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.....William H. Macy .....Lorne Michaels .....Bill Macy Dave Letterman.....Jeff Richards Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, William H. Macy! William H. Macy: Thank you! Thanks! It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! This is almost a dream come true for me, because I’ve always wanted to do something like this, and now I almost am! But I’ll tell you, despite the fact that none of this is real, I’ve had a great time working with the cast here, they are absolutely amazing! [A beat] Of course, as everyone does, I guess I could put in a quick plug about my new movies— [William is distracted as Lorne Michaels walks onto the stage] William H. Macy: Oh, uh, hi Lorne… what’s up? I was just about to mention Seabiscuit and The Cooler… Lorne Michaels: Will, we need to talk. William H. Macy: What about? Lorne Michaels: It’s about your monologue, Will. It’s kinda… stale. William H. Macy: [Taken aback] What? Whaddaya mean “stale”? Lorne Michaels: Look, you know it, I know it… hell, the audience knows it. Everyone who has ever hosted this show throws that crap in their monologue. You know; “it’s great to be here, the cast is amazing, I’ve had a great time, I’m here to promote my new movie”… it’s all been done before. Why don’t you try something new? William H. Macy: Well, I mean I would, but I don’t know… I mean, I was just about to sing a song about how much I love New York and everything… Lorne Michaels: Oh, come on Will, cut the shit… just do something no one else has ever done before, it can’t be THAT hard. [An uncomfortable beat] William H. Macy: Um, actually, it is. Lorne Michaels: Look, I don’t want to embarrass you on national – not to mention LIVE – television, but I WILL bring in another host right now if I have to! [Cut to a dressing room scene where Bill Macy is seen warming up naked.] Bill Macy: Unique New York, Unique New York, Unique New York, Unique New York… [Cut back to 8H.] Lorne Michaels: Just do something new, dammit! William H. Macy: Alright, alright! I’ll think of something… [Lorne walks off as William continues talking to someone off-stage] um, hey, Danny! Do we have a camera on the roof? We do? Alright, gimme a sec to get up there, okay? Be right back… [With that, William walks off-stage down the infamous 8H hallway, and after he goes through a doorway, we see him on the roof of 30 Rock (the segment is obviously taped).] William H. Macy: [directly to the camera] Alright, I have here, in my hand, a blender. Just your regular, everyday blender. And I was wondering, what would happen if we dropped a blender off the roof? You guys wanna find out? [The audience inside cheers.] William H. Macy: Alright, on the count of three, ready? [William holds the blender over the edge of the roof] One… Two… THREE! [William lets the blender drop, and we wait a beat] Voice of Dave Letterman: [out of the shot] OW! William H. Macy: Oh shit! [William runs off-screen, and the camera pans down to a birds-eye view of the sidewalk, where we see Letterman, standing next to a broken blender, rubbing his head in pain.] Dave Letterman: [Shouting] Unoriginal jerks! That’s my intellectual property! [Walking away] Geez, CBS isn’t even this bad… [Letterman continues walking down the street, and we cut to a shot of Macy, back in 8H, just getting back up on stage. The audience, at this point, is laughing hysterically.] William H. Macy: Well, I tried. Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight— Lorne Michaels: [off-screen] I said ORIGINAL, Macy! William H. Macy: Okay, okay… we have a totally ORIGINAL show for you tonight, Evanescence will be performing for us this evening, so don’t go away! We’ll be right back! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
