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Paul Muttonberry.....Jimmy Fallon Rhonda.....Rachel Dratch Walter.....William H. Macy Linda Snailstorm.....Maya Rudolph Officer.....Darrell Hammond [ Open on decently busy security checkpoint inside an airport terminal. PAUL MUTTONBERRY places a duffel bag on the x-ray machine conveyor, his keys and change in the basket, and then walks through the metal detector. RHONDA is seated behind the x-ray machine, while WALTER, a security guard, stands by with a search wand. Paul collects his things from the basket, and turns to grab his duffel bag ] Rhonda: [ defensively holding the strap of the duffel bag ] Sir, I’m going to have to take a look inside this bag. Paul Muttonberry: Go right ahead. [ Rhonda opens and rummages through the bag ] Rhonda: Mm-hmm. [ a pause ] Walter, you wanna come take a look at this? [ Walter walks over, rummages through the bag, and then lifts out a clear plastic squirt gun, Rhonda returns her attention to the x-ray screen ] Walter: Sir, is this your pistol? Paul Muttonberry: Well, actually it’s a squirt gun. Walter: I don’t care where it’s made. What boggles my noggin is that you thought you could waltz onboard with this. Paul Muttonberry: Well, I’m going to the beach and thought it’d be a fun thing to bring. Maybe even put a little vodka in it… Walter: You must be taking me for a fool, sonny. Why would I let someone who stinks of vodka onto an airplane with a loaded gun? Paul Muttonberry: There’s no vodka in it right now. I was just saying for later… Walter: Ah! So you drank all the vodka already. Paul Muttonberry: I haven’t been drinking at all today, I drove here. Walter: Driving under the influence! And with a loaded gun, no less! Paul Muttonberry: No! I did not drink ANY vodka and the squirt gun is NOT loaded. Walter: [ examining squirt gun ] So where do you put the bullets in anyway? Paul Muttonberry: There are no bullets… It’s a squirt gun! This has to be a joke. Walter: I’m going to have to confiscate this firearm. Can I have your name? Paul Muttonberry: [ bitterly ] Paul Muttonberry. Like I said, though, it’s not a real— [ LINDA SNAILSTORM, carrying a bag, breaks free of the crowd and runs up to Paul ] Linda Snailstorm: Paul Muttonberry? Paul Muttonberry! Paul Muttonberry: Linda Snailstorm! Linda Snailstorm: Wow, I haven’t seen you in years. How have things been going for you? Paul Muttonberry: Well, I got a great job, but I’ve been stressed ever since my girlfriend moved out on me four months ago so I’m headed down to Tampa Bay to unwind a little. Walter: [ trying to interject ] Uh… excuse me Linda Snailstorm: Hey! That’s where I’m going too! We should get together or something. Walter: [ slightly more forceful ] I believe I was talking… Paul Muttonberry: Yeah, definitely! I’m staying at Pearl Sands, where are you staying? You look fantastic by the way. Walter: [ ever louder ] This is a matter of importance. It’s not just scallywags and beans! Linda Snailstorm: Thanks. You look great yourself. I have a room booked at the Westward Shore, it’s just down the— Walter: [ interrupting and screaming ] Quiet! I am the commanding security officer here, and I am dealing with a possible terrorist threat right now! Ma’am, you must stop talking, now! [ Linda looks at Paul quizzically ] Paul Muttonberry: [ to Linda ] He thinks my squirt gun is a firearm and I’m trying to sneak it on board or something… Walter: We have rules and regulations that I must follow. How can I tell it only squirts water? Linda Snailstorm: Maybe because you can see right through it? Look, [ pointing at the squirt gun ] here’s the trigger, and the pump, and the reservoir, and the hose… There’s no way it could be confused with a real gun. Walter: Ma’am, you’re sounding awfully suspicious to me. Do you know this man? Linda Snailstorm: Of course I know him, he took me to Senior Prom! Walter: Ma’am, this is difficult for me to state, but I believe you may be insurrectionists. May I have authorization to search through your luggage? Linda Snailstorm: [ puzzled ] Sure… not like you’ll find anything. [ a beat ] Insurrectionists? [ Walter opens and searches through Linda’s bag, tossing stuff to the side, including a skimpy red bikini ] Paul Muttonberry: Wow, that’s some swimsuit. Linda Snailstorm: Well, I gotta wear something; I can’t just go around naked. Unless, of course, you were interested in going to some other beaches… [ looks Paul up and down ] You’ve been working out, haven’t you? Paul Muttonberry: Yeah, well, it helps me get through some of the stress, especially from the ex. Linda Snailstorm: No kidding. I near lived at the gym the week I found out my cheating boyfriend had been paying his half of the rent by shacking up with the landlady… Walter: [ brusquely interrupting and holding up a shirt dramatically ] Ma’am, just what in the seven hells is this? Linda Snailstorm: [ surprised ] Uhh… that’s a T-Shirt I bought at a Guns and Roses concert… [ Walter turns shirt to reveal a large drawing of a revolver and rose on the front ] Walter: It looks like a firearm to me. Paul Muttonberry: That’s just a drawing. It’s not a real gun. Walter: I have a sworn duty to protect the passengers on these airplanes! Linda Snailstorm: This is insane. Paul Muttonberry: It’s gotta be one of those prank tv shows. [ Faces camera and makes a goofy face, uses a goofy voice ] HI! [ turns back ] Come on, Linda, I’m getting out of here. [ Paul grabs his squirt gun, and absent-mindedly has it pointed towards Walter as he reaches for his bag ] Walter: [ dropping to his knees ] Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! Help! [ four SOLDIERS and their OFFICER rush in, rifles trained on Paul ] Officer: Everybody down! [ all extras jump down onto the ground ] Sir, put the gun down… We don’t want anyone hurt here. Just release the girl you have hostage… Linda Snailstorm: [ turning towards Officer ] Hostage? What are you people talking about? [ lifts up T-Shirt as she slaps her head in irritation, showing the gun drawing ] Officer: She’s also armed! Repeat, female is armed! Soldiers, safeties off! [ to Paul and Linda ] Now, are yous gonna come quiet-like or are we gonna have to shoot yas? [ Paul and Linda shrug at each other as they raise their hands in surrender. Soldiers grab them and hustle them off ] Officer: [ to Walter ] You’re a good man… Walter: Walter. Officer: Walter. Good eye, there. Eagle eye. I’ll make sure I mention you in my report. Walter: I’m just doing my sworn duty, sir. [ cut to jail cell, where Paul and Linda sit, staring into space ] Linda Snailstorm: What is wrong with those security guards? Paul Muttonberry: Tell me about it. Absolute morons. [ a pause ] You know, even though we’re stuck in a jail cell, I’d still really like to see you in that bikini. [ Linda laughs good-naturedly and gives Paul a mock punch to the shoulder as scene fades out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
