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Wayne.....Dean Edwards Jean.....Amy Poehler Homeless Dude.....William H. Macy Wal-mart person.....Maya Rudolph Food Court Lady.....Rachel Dratch Policeman.....Horatio Sanz [Scene: Outdoors, Wayne and Jean are picking up garbage in a park as part of a court enforced punishment. Wayne is a clean cut guy and Jean is a punk chick with blue hair and piercings. Jean is also wearing a short plaid skirt and some kind of crazy pair of boots. There is a waste paper basket behind them and a large pile of garbage right next to it.] Wayne: Damn, it just keeps getting hotter. Jean: (exasperated sigh) Uggg. I hope it's because the Earth has broken out of it's orbit and is heading straight into the sun. Once you've melted maybe you'll stop complaining. Wayne: Dude, if I melt you'll melt. Jean: Whatever. At least you'll melt first since a)your dark skin will more readily absorb the sun's rays and b)you're taller. Wayne: Don't forget c)...You're crazy. And I'm glad I'm annoying you because this is all your fault. I can't believe you got me sentenced to an entire summer of picking up garbage in the park for stealing tampons from Wal-mart. Jean: First of all...it wasn't technically stealing, since as you may recall, last week I declared a state of Anarchy. It's not my fault that those rollbacking totalitarian wholesale wannabes don't recognize (to an imaginary audience) Anarchy rules! Wayne: You're of course referring to the incident in the food court last week. I was there yeah...as a matter of fact...let's see here. (starts pressing buttons on his small mp3 player type device a.k.a. the YakBak.) Okay I've got it cued up, let's relive the moment uyo declared 'Anarchy rules' shall we. [Wayne presses button on YakBak] YakBak: (Food Court Lady's voice) Uhhh...you're gonna have to pay for that. (Jean's voice) Let go of my tray. My meal is on the de facto state of Anarchy! (Food Court Lady's voice) Don't make me kick your ass little girl. (Jean's voice) Dammit, I'm declaring Anarchy rules! Jean: (ignoring what she's just heard and looking at YakBak) Hey...what is that thing? [Jean tries to grab the YakBak but Wayne holds it up and out of reach.] Wayne: (holding up YakBak) What this? It's a prototype for a new updated Yak-Bak. My father gave it to me. It has a 120-gig hard drive capacity allowing it to store approximately 2500 hours of conversation, all ready for instant recall. Cool huh? Jean: Yeah I guess. [Wayne presses button on YakBak] YakBak: (Jean's voice) Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Jean: Uh...could you stop that. [Wayne presses button on YakBak] YakBak: (Jean's voice) Yeah I guess.(pause)Anarchy. Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Jean: Seriously could you stop that. [Wayne presses button on YakBak] YakBak: (Jean's voice) Seriously could u stop that. Yeah I guess. Anarchy. Jean: If you don't stop that...okay look, I'm sorry about the tampons...(going back to picking garbage) but hey, you knew the risks going in. Wayne: Knew the risks? I don't hardly know you. I happened to be walking down the aisle when you bumped into me. Apparently taking the opportunity to slip a hand full of no-name tampons into my jacket pocket. I guess you planned to bump into me again in the parking lot to get them back? Jean: Basically. How was I to know those Wal-mart LAPD wannabes would be tagging you so closely. Wayne: Right. [Wayne presses button on YakBak] YakBak: (Jean's voice) It was him...he stole the tampons! It was him! (Wal-mart person voice) What? Why would he steal tampons. (Jean's voice) Why? Dammit woman, didn't they teach you racial profiling! Jean: (embarrassed) Heh. Well, at that point they had me so roughed up I would have said anything. Wayne: Roughed up? You were talking to the Wal-mart greeter. I was half way through the parking lot when she came and grabbed me. Jean: Complain complain complain. Anything else you want to complain about Super-complain-a-lot-man? Wayne: Well actually, I was wondering why you decided to shop lift no-name brand tampons? (sarcastically) Wouldn't stealing brand name stuff be more of a blow to the system? Jean: Stealing brand-name tampons is just as bad as buying them. The store has to buy more either way, right? You steal you buy...it's win-win for those corporate cash-humping 'luv to see you bleed' tampon companies. Screw them! (to imaginary audience) If you love Anarchy, steal only no-name brand products! Wayne: Oh no...I think I'm actually understanding you. Jean: Cha right. You'll never understand me! The fires that forged me don't burn in your reality, slick. Wayne: (taken aback) Wait a second, that was kind of nice...are you into poetry? Jean: (shy like) I don't know...maybe. Wayne: (shy like) Well...if you are...I'm part of a poetry group. We meet every Thursday at the 'Bean around the Block' coffee house on 13th street. Jean: That's the one owned by Madonna isn't it? Wayne: Yeah, but she hardly ever shows. Jean: (laughs) That's funny. [Closeup as Wayne and Jean lock their gazes and get closer and are about to kiss. Suddenly Jean slaps Wayne.] Jean: How dare you grab my butt! Wayne: I didn't grab your butt! [Pull out camera to reveal Homeless Dude sitting up in the big pile of garbage and smiling] Jean: (to Homeless Dude) Uhhh, did you just grab my butt? Homeless Dude: (shrugging his shoulders) Well, that's a fine piece of ham and I'm a hungry man. [Jean pushes herself against Wayne as though trying to stop him from beating up the Homeless Dude.] Jean: No. No, Wayne don't. It's not worth it. You could kill him but that wouldn't solve anything. Wayne: (confused) What are you talking about? Jean: You're right, we'll just turn the other cheek. (pause) OW! [Cut out to wide shot.] Homeless Dude: Turn the other cheek? C'mon, you were begging for it! Jean: Yeah, I WAS hoping you were gonna do that again. [Jean proceeds to kick the crap out of Homeless Dude. Cut to closeup of Wayne wincing as punching sound effects get more and more exaggerated. Cut to wide shot showing Jean kicking Homeless Dude.] Police Officer: (offscreen) Hey you guys, freeze! Jean: Quick, let's Bonnie and Clyde it! [Exit Jean] Wayne: What? No way...you're crazy. (tilting head and watching her run off) But oh so DAMN sexy. [Enter Policeman. Policeman grabs Wayne's arm. Wayne throws YakBak up into the air at the Policeman. Policeman let's go of Wayne and catches YakBak.] Wayne: (starting to run) ANARCHY! (now running off screen) Am I saying that right? Policeman: (to self) Dammmit, I always fall for that one. The catch respone is just so damn instinctive. (notices Homeless Dude lying in a heap) Oh sir...are you alright. It looks like those kids tap danced all over you and then came back for a Texas two step encore. (picking Homeless Dude up) Let me help get you home. Homeless Dude: Thank you kindly officer, but I don't have a home. I'm homeless. [a beat] Police Officer: (slowly laying Homeless Dude back on the ground) Alright then...I guess you'll be fine right there. (throwing Yak Bak 2000 onto Homeless Dude) Here's a souvenir, maybe you can can sell it for crack or something. [Exit Policeman] Homeless Dude: Pff shows what you know! I might hang with crack whores but I'm an alcoholic not a crackhead! (to self) I'd hang with those alcohol whores but they're way too high class. (sits up. to Police Officer while waving YakBak) Anarchy rules, so screw u! (looking at Yak Bak) Now what's this. (plays with yak bak) [Homeless Dude inadvertently presses YakBak button.] YakBak: (Homeless dude voice) So screw you! Homeless Dud: Hmmm... [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button.] YakBak: (Homeless dude voice) So screw you! Homeless Dude: Hmmm... (studies YakBak a bit. Then into YakBak) You suck! No way, you're a failure. Everyone hates you. Now you're talking. (Gets to his feet, adjusts his clothes and talks to self) I feel good today. [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button] YakBak: (Homeless dude voice) You suck! Homeless Dude: Oh. Well, maybe today I can find a job...make something out of myself. [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button] YakBak: (Homeless dude voice) No way, you're a failure. Homeless Dude: That's not what my friends say. [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button] YakBak: (Homeless dude voice) Everyone hates you. Homeless Dude: Damn you're right, maybe I'll just go get something to drink. [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button] YakBak: (Homeless Dude voice) Now you're talking. Homeless Dude: Oh baby this thing is sweet. It's gonna take a lot of the legwork out of staying homeless. [Homeless Dude presses YakBak button] YakBak: (Homeless Dude voice) You suck! [Exit happy Homeless Dude.] [Fade Out to Dead Milkmen's 'Punk Rock Girl.'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
