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Commissioner Gordon.....Horatio Sanz Robin (Dick Grayson).....Al Pacino Batman (Bruce Wayne).....Jimmy Fallon Sindy.....Maya Rudolph Sandy.....Amy Poehler [Open to a dark screen with the Batman theme from the Tim Burton movies playing. An image of Batman looking in a mirror practicing pick-up lines such as: "Woah". Super "Keanu Reeves". Dissolve to an image of Robin going mad crazy while playing pinball culminating in his jumping on top of the pinball machine. Super "Seth Green". Dissolve to image of Commissioner Gordon eating donuts, then somehow noticing the camera is on him and putting the donuts away. Super "Cliff Claven". Dissolve to a split screen of Sindy and Sandy preening for the camera. Super "Monica Bellucci". Dissolve to an Image of Balls "adjusting himself". Super "And Crispin Glover". Fade to darkness and super "in". Fade out "in" and super "Batman: The Dark Knight". Fade to darkness and then the shot opens to Batman sitting in the Bat Cave in front of a needlessly extravagant computer enjoying a Latte. Robin bursts into the scene.] Robin: Batman, urgent news from Gotham Prison: ...Balls escaped! Batman: No! Balls? Robin: Yes. Check out these headlines. (Holds up a newspaper with the headline: "Balls at Large") Batman: That vile fiend, I wasn't directly involved with his case, but I remember it was Wonder Woman who finally tied Balls down with her golden lasso and got him into handcuffs. Robin: Alas, she's retired to the life of a soccer mom. Batman: I don't even know how to start handling this situation. We need support. Call the commissioner! Robin: Yes...he'll know how to handle Balls. (Batman dials the Bat videophone and calls the commissioner. The videophone has a screen about the size of a computer monitor, which hangs vertically on the wall so that both Batman and Robin are in the shot as well as the commissioner and his office, which are seen via the videophone screen.) Batman: Commissioner, any plans on grabbing Balls? Commissioner: (clearing his throat) Batman, I don't know what to do. (Calling off stage) Sindy can you bring me that file? (Turning his attention back to Batman) You've got to get your hand on this Balls situation, Batman. (Enter Sindy) Batman: (Aside) What if I can't. Sindy: Here's the file you asked for, I have to say .. I find Balls fascinating. Robin: Holy sizzling sexbombs Batman...who's that? Hoo-hah! Batman: Easy, Boy Wonder, we're not here to think about hot chicks .. we're here to get Balls. Commissioner: (Gleefully) Great, with the two of you on the Balls case it looks like my hands are free! And while you're taking a whack at it .. I think I'll get a donut. I'll send you his police file. (Commissioner faxes the file and then exits. Batman attempts to press the end call button on his videophone as he turns away from the videophone, however, unknowingly presses a button, which serves absolutely no function. Sindy stays in the Commissioner's office, although out of the videophone's range, in order to overhear Batman and Robin's conversation without being seen.) Robin: Geez Batman...Balls is a slippery character...even his name is freaky ... Balls? Batman: That's because he collects balls, eyeballs, a token from his victims. He sucks them right out of their head. (A beat) He's an optometrist. Robin: I wouldn't want Balls anywhere near my head! Batman: (Reading from the police file) And keep in mind, Balls is mighty sweaty. Robin: Hmmm ... sweaty, eh? Batman: (Striking a ridiculous melodramatic pose) He trained himself to sweat profusely, so that he could use the bodily fluid as a lubricant when removing his victim's balls..eyeballs. Robin: Holy colossal cojones! He's a nut job! Batman: (Reading the file) He had a practice located in the basement of an old office building downtown. Very low key, cool and damp .. it was a great location for his..(Meaningful glance into the camera) eyeballs. Robin: (Glancing over the file the commissioner faxed) And if I know Balls, which I'm beginning to think I do, then he's bound to drop in the same place. So all we have to do is take his picture, and search every downtown basement office until we find this sweaty guy and his balls! Batman: I'm afraid he won't be that simple to locate. Even though we have his picture, he's a master of disguise. As a skilled rubber mask maker, he's able to drastically change his appearance in a very short period of time. They're very realistic masks; he could even look a chick! We're going to have to search long and hard for Balls. Robin: Well, I'm up the challenge. Batman: Alright Dick .. let's get Balls. (Sindy's grins slyly as she walks to the desk and presses the end call button on the videophone. The camera gets closer, with only her torso and above in the shot. Determinedly she raises her right hand and makes a fist as if wrapping it carefully around a .. round object.) Sindy: I have to find Balls first! Fade Out. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
