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Robin (Dick).....Al Pacino Batman (Bruce).....Jimmy Fallon Sandy.....Amy Poehler 1st Bruce Doctor.....Fred Armisen 2nd Bruce Doctor.....Rachel Dratch 3rd Bruce Doctor.....Jeff Richards (Open to the TV Batman theme, and a Bat symbol that splits vertically down the middle in order to reveal Bruce sitting in an optometry examination chair. The doctor (Armisen, wearing a beard and mustache) enters and sits down leaning in close to Bruce.) Bruce V/O: I must concentrate and look for sweat. This doctor smells as I would expect Balls might .. but with facial hair it's hard to see actual sweat. Doctor 1: (Holding up a gizmo) Okay, I'm going to check your eyes, you're just going to feel a quick, little puff. Okay? Keep your eyes open wide..that's it. Now on three, one, two.. (The doctor sneezes in Bruce's face. A quick shot of Bruce Wayne as he frantically wipes his eyes, looking disgusted.) Bruce V/O: Not cool.. not cool. (Cut to Dick who is standing outside an office, with remnants of police crime scene tape, and a very large, dirty, and crooked sign hanging from the wall reading: "Sweaty Optometry Clinic in Basement Office. Door around Back". ) Dick V/O: This investigation stuff is so obscure. Dick: Man, I'm sweaty. Dick V/O: Wait, what's that say? (Squinting, noticing the sign) Dick: Sweaty..orifice .. door .. round.. back? Dick V/O: Sweaty..orifice..just the doctor I'm looking for. Dick: I could really go for some ice cream right now. (Cut back to Bruce who has entered into a second optometry office decorated with lit candles and burning incense, the doctor (Dratch) sits cross-legged on the floor. Bruce moves to greet her.) Doctor 2: Don't say anything, you'll tarnish the aura. Bruce: Excuse me? Doctor 2: Why do they always do that? For the love of God, what did I just say? Bruce: But.. Doctor 2: (Silencing him) Let me explain. (Bruce, annoyed and confused sits carefully onto the floor) Doctor 2: I practice a rare form of optometry, which diagnoses the state of the eyes based on the patient's aura that reveals itself to me through deep meditation. Bruce: Say, with all this incense burning, do you find yourself especially sweaty? Doctor 2: At first it was a problem, patients would complain that I was sweaty and that they didn't want me to touch them which really stifles the process of aura reading, so I had my sweat glands removed. Bruce: So you don't sweat? Doctor 2: No, I have a catheter that comes out just under my chin. (A thick stream of clear sweat falls from the doctor's chin quickly.) Alright, we've got 74 seconds until the next one so come put your head in my lap so I can examine your aura. (Cut to a Bat symbol with "Kapow" written on it, and upon the coinciding sound effect open to Bruce who is waiting in a third doctor's office when a nurse enters guiding the doctor by the arm. She sits him into the examiner's chair, a dog lies beside him wearing a harness.) Bruce: So..you're blind? Doctor 3: Yes. Bruce: And you're an eye doctor? Doctor 3: Yes. Bruce: But you can't see. Doctor 3: That's correct. Bruce: Alright. Doctor 3: Read the third letter on the third line off that chart on the wall for me. Bruce: E Doctor 3: (Cheerfully) Sounds great. I'll take your word for it. Bruce: Are you particularly sweaty? Doctor 3: No, just blind. (Cut to Dick who is standing on a sidewalk, behind him is the office building.) Dick V/O: I hope Bruce is having better luck than I am. Dick: Holy Neapolitan fudge bars! Is that the ice cream man? (Cut to Bruce who has entered the last optometry office to see Sandy, the twin of Sindy, awaiting him.) Sandy: Hello, Mr. Wayne... (As Sandy extends her hand in formality their eyes meet in a deep gaze) Bruce: Please, call me Bruce. Sandy: Yes, well Dr. Ipstein isn't in today, he's renting that (pointing) back office over there, but something came up, so I'll be filling in for him ... (Breathy) B-uh-ru-c-uh Bruce: Well, it's a pleasure ... to have you filling, today... (Reading her name badge) Ms. Jansport. Haven't I seen you at the Commissioner's office? Sandy: Oh, that's my twin sister Sindy. In any case, let's go check out those balls of yours...eyeballs rather, today ... Bruce. Bruce: (Alert) What did you say? Sandy: I'm sorry...I didn't mean anything by that...just a slip of the tongue. Bruce: Of course. Bruce V/O: She's too hot to be Balls...of course it wouldn't be the first time I fell for a hot chick that turned out to be a dude. (Shudders) Don't think about that. Focus. Is she sweaty? (As he studies her brow and upper lip very carefully for signs of sweat) Sandy: Uh, well, have a seat and I'll check your eyes. Bruce: Yes, please do that. (As he walks to the chair he notices a jar with an eyeball in it) Bruce: What's this? Sandy: It's Dr. Ipstein's. I know it's creepy looking but it's really just for demonstration purposes. Bruce: Is that so? Sandy: Yes, we use it to discuss eye anatomy, to practice fitting contacts, and for small children to chew on. Eyeballs are surprisingly soothing. Bruce: May I touch it? (She hands him the jar and he examines it for a few seconds before he sets the jar down and sits in the chair while Sandy pulls down the refractor and places it in front of his eyes in order to determine his prescription.) Sandy: Now, I just need you to tell me better one or better two. Bruce: Better two. Sandy: Okay, (She adjusts the strength of the lenses and in the process faces herself directly in front of the refractor so her face and Bruce's face are almost touching; a romantic tune ensues in the background. The two are breathing heavier than normal people taking part in an eye exam should be and are separated only by the giant Elton-John-glasses-esque piece of optometry equipment) now better one, or better two? Bruce: It's hard to tell with your face in the way. Sandy: Right (Sitting back) well, your eyes are fine..but I think there's something wrong with mine. Bruce: How so? Sandy: I'm getting mixed signals. Bruce: (Moving the refractor away from his eyes and leaning in) Let me clear them up for you. Better one? Sandy: (Leaning in almost close enough...but not quite) Better... Bruce: I can't. Bruce V/O: Dammit! Yes I can! Sandy: What? Bruce V/O: She could be an accomplice to Balls. But she's hot! Plus, it's a really bad idea to mess around with a woman already dealing with another man's balls .. eyeballs. Bruce: Uh .. I have to get my aura cleansed. (Exits) (Sandy watches him leave longingly) Fade Out. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
