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Alfred.....Darrell Hammond Robin (Dick).....Al Pacino Batman (Bruce).....Jimmy Fallon Sindy.....Maya Rudolph Sandy.....Amy Poehler Balls (Dr. Ipstein).....Will Forte Officer.....Lorne Michaels (Open to a shot of a the bat symbol, the movie music for Batman plays as the symbol splits vertically down the middle opening to Batman standing outside a plain office door.) Batman: Dammit, Robin! You're never here when I need you! (Cut to a shot of Robin being pulled over by a cop) Robin: No, officer, it's okay for me to speed, really. (Eating an ice cream bar) Batman needs me; and if you think Batman can handle Balls alone, you are sadly mistaken. Balls will slip right through his fingers, especially if he's really sweaty. Officer: Alright, I'll just give you a warning, now you kids be safe. (Waving goodbye as Robin speeds off. To himself) Ahh, young love. (Batman kicks the door open and the shot cuts to a full view of an office which Batman has just burst into and Dr. Ipstein (Balls) sitting at a desk. There are bookcases covering each wall of the office and each shelf is full of jars containing eyeballs.) Batman: Alright Balls, it's over. Balls: Hello, Batman. I've been expecting you. Batman: (taken back as he takes in the setting and Balls himself) Seriously? Balls: Well, it was bound to happen. Murphy's law, all that can go wrong will. Batman: True, can I just ask one thing, I mean of all the masks to wear. Balls: Excuse me? Batman: Well, you're wearing a mask right? Balls: What are you talking about? Batman: (to self) Woah. (quickly) Nothing. You just don't look like your picture. Balls: I'm not photogenic. Batman: (hesitantly) Okay. (Sindy comes out with Sandy holding her hostage) Batman: Sandy! Sindy: If you know what's good for her you'll get out of here and leave us alone. Balls: Ah, the lovely Sindy and the wonderful hostage she supplied. You see, Sindy warned me of your imminent arrival and convinced me that if I wanted to spend more time alone with my beautiful balls I needed to move to a town without (menacing look) any meddling superheroes. (Dreamily as he packs a box of jars) I hear Metropolis is nice this time of year. Batman: But why? Why balls? Why eyeballs? Balls: Because they look cool, they're easily stored, they keep my mom out of my room. Plus I have a ball saying the word "ball." Ball, ball, ball. Batman: You should consider being an Umpire. Balls: Do you really want to go there .. BATman? Batman: Touché, Balls. (Robin bursts in and starts breaking all the jars with eyeballs in the them) Robin: Give it up Balls, you're busted! Balls: NO! My balls! My beautiful balls! (Batman uses the diversion to knock out Sindy freeing Sandy) Sandy: Please don't hurt me. Batman: Dude .. It's me, Bruce. Sandy: Bruce? Batman: Yes, Bruce. Sandy: Sorry, not ringing a bell. Batman: (Motioning to the bad guys) I can't take off the mask right now, but you've got to remember me. I'm Bruce. Sandy: Oh! (Breathy) B-uh-ru-c-uh. (The two of them begin making out. Sindy crawls over to Balls who is trembling with rage and shock behind his desk.) Balls: You're going to pay for that! And don't think your insurance will cover a cent of it! Robin: Please, I have Aflack insurance. Quack quack, boo-yah! (Pause) Curious how I found you? Balls: NO! Robin: Well, first I found your old office, which had the banner on the building wall. Then I saw the door with the eyeballs wanted sign, next to the window covered with Police tape. But none of it made sense until I was buying an ice cream and I noticed the "We've moved" blimp with your phone number and picture and inmate number on it. Balls: Drat! Foiled again! Robin: That was great ice cream. Sindy: At least we still have each other. Balls: What are you mad? What is a man without his balls? Fade Out. (As credits roll, open to Bruce, Sandy, and Dick sitting on a couch when Alfred enters holding a tray.) Alfred: Sir, would you care for some meat .. balls? (Sandy, Dick and Bruce all throw pillows at Alfred and they all enjoy a hearty laugh. Super "This has been a Canon Production in association with SNY pictures".) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
