|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Lorne Michaels .....Maya Rudolph .....Jimmy Fallon .....Al Pacino Marlon Brando.....Darrell Hammond [ open on crowded hallway in Studio 8-H. In the background, we can see an extra dressed in a Superman costume, an elderly man walking a camel, and five women walking around in bikinis. In the foregound, we see Lorne Michaels, Maya Rudolph and Jimmy Fallon looking impatient. ] Lorne Michaels: Where's Al? Jimmy Fallon: No one's seen him since yesterday's rehearsal. Maya Rudolph: Relax. He's Al Pacino. So he's fashionably late. Lorne Michaels: Al Pacino disrespects me by being late. Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling glibly ] You think that's disrespectful, you should see the poem about you in the men's room! Lorne Michaels: [ sternly ] What's that?! Jimmy Fallon: [ petrified ] Nothing! I said.. can I shine your shoes, my Lord? [ kneels on the floor and kisses Lorne's shoes ] [ Al Pacino saunters down the hall in a cool fashion ] Al Pacino: Heyyyyyyyy, Lorne! Your shoes look great! Can Jimmy do mine next? Lorne Michaels: Al, where have you been? We're already a minute into the show! Al Pacino: It's just one minute, what's the big deal? Lorne Michaels: The big deal is that you're in the cold opening? [ leaving Jimmy and Maya behind, Lorne leads Al through the halls ] Al Pacino: I am? Oh yeah, yeah.. I advise President Bush on his vacation schedule. Fine, fine.. where do I go? Lorne Michaels: Actually, Al, the Bush sketch was cut. We decided to try something a little more innovative, since it's our final show of the summer. Al Pacino: No problem! I can do a different scene. Keep the cue cards steady, I can do this. Lorne Michaels: Well.. the cue cards aren't exactly going to make or break this piece, Al. I guess you could say it's more of a conceptual piece. [ Lorne and Al finally reach Home Base in front of the studio audience. The stage is bare, with only a blue curtain behind them ] Al Pacino: [ confused ] What, you want me to pose nude, or something? Lorne Michaels: Not exactly. Uh.. [ faces the back curtain ] Bring out the cannon! [ "Thus Spoke Zarathrusta" (the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey") pots up, as the curtain slowly rises to reveal the Saturday Night You cannon, polished to perfection and shining with brilliance ] Al Pacino: [ looks on astonishingly ] My God.. what is it? Lorne Michaels: It's Saturday - you can just call me "Lorne". And.. it's a cannon. Al Pacino: Okay, I see that. But what am I supposed to do with it? Lorne Michaels: It's simple. You climb into the cannon, and we're going to shoot you across the studio. Al Pacino: What kind of humorous concept is that? I don't get it. Lorne Michaels: You don't need to get it, you just need to do it. Al Pacino: [ apprehensive ] But.. I don't know, Lorne. I mean, shoot myself out of a cannon? Didn't you stop Seth Green from doing that earlier in the summer? Lorne Michaels: Seth Green is a squirrel. He's not a major star like you. Al Pacino: I'm not going to argue with you about that. But I'm Al Pacino! I'm not someone who gets stuffed into a cannon like.. like.. like something that gets stuffed into a cannon! That's not something I would do. Lorne Michaels: Neither was "S1m0ne", but you went through with that. Al Pacino: Come on, Lorne - Catherine Keneer was in "S1m0ne". I would have signed on for "Gigli" if it meant getting close to her. Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] But you were in "Gigli". Al Pacino: [ defensive ] I know! But I didn't have a good excuse for it! What do you want?! Lorne Michaels: I want you to climb into that cannon, so we can start the show. Al Pacino: No! Get the little guy out here, let's do the Bush spot. I'm not climbing into a cannon. Lorne Michaels: Al, I own this show.. which means, at this moment, I own you. So quit stalling, and get in the cannon. Al Pacino: I said I'm not doing it, Lorne. Lorne Michaels: I anticipated a struggle, so I brought some resistance of my own. [ looks offstage ] Marlon? Would you come here? [ Marlon Brando walks onstage, to thunderous applause ] Marlon Brando: Why you called me "Marlon"? I told you, always call me "King". Al Pacino: Marlon, what are you doing here? Marlon Brando: I'm not here to argue. Michael.. get in the cannon. Al Pacino: What? Marlon Brando: I said get in the cannon. I turned you into a star by having my character in "The Godfather" killed off so you could take over the role in the sequels. This is how I want you to pay me back. Al Pacino: But that wasn't your influence. The book was written that way! Marlon Brando: That may be.. but it still happened. Now.. get in the cannon. Al Pacino: I won't do it! Do you hear me, you dumb f[bleep], I'm not doing it! Lorne Michaels: Al, you're out of order. Al Pacino: [ pricks his ears ] What's that? Lorne Michaels: I said, you are out of order. Al Pacino: [ charged, begins shouting ] I'm out of order? I think.. you're out of order! This whole.. show is out of order!! Marlon.. Brando is out of order! And the audience.. is out of order for encouraging your sick, crazy, depraved stunt that we did not rehearse!! [ a pair of NBC security guards enter the stage to restrain Pacino, and, though with a great struggle, stuff him inside the cannon as he continues to scream ] Lorne Michaels: Thanks you, boys. Marlon, do you have a match? Marlon Brando: No, no.. you see, I'm making $10 million for a two-minute appearance, so I get to ask you for a match. [ a beat ] Do you have a match? Lorne Michaels: Yes, my Lord. [ removes a match from his jacket and hands it to Brando ] Marlon Brando: Good. Now, get on all fours and clean my shoes. [ Lorne straddles the floor and licks Brando's shoes, as Brando strikes the match on Lorne's collar and lights the fuse ] Marlon Brando: This thing's gonna blow, you fool! Get up and run for it! [ Brandon and Lorne run from the stage, the camera following them as they run through the audience ] [ cut to wide shot of stage, as the cannon goes off, firing a dummy of Pacino across the stage ] [ cut to camera shot zooming inward to a "flying" Pacino zooming toward the screen ] Al Pacino: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiighttt!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
