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Dr. Heinz.....Al Pacino Bosco.....Fred Armisen Villager.....Horatio Sanz Kumbalu.....Jeff Richards Announcer V/O.....Darrell Hammond [Scene begins with Dr. Heinz (Pacino) standing in the middle of a South American jungle appearing aimless. He is wearing dingy khakis with a white, untucked shirt and loosened tie. His hair is all over the place, as if it hasn't been washed or combed in weeks. He is accompanied by Bosco (Armisen), his hapless assistant. Bosco is dressed in loose, dirty clothing and is perpetually hunched over...his posture seemingly indicating constant deference to Dr. Heinz.] Dr. Heinz: (speaks in a grandiose, pretentious manner) Bosco! Bosco: (running in from the right and speaking in a heavily accented voice) Yes...Dr. Heinz? Dr. Heinz: I think we may be onto something here! (reaches down and picks something off the ground) Smell this leaf...(holds it to Bosco's nose) Bosco: (sniffing) Yes...smells interesting, Dr. Heinz... Dr. Heinz: Yes it does, Bosco. (sniffs it himself) It smells sticky...and mustardy. Now lick it! [Bosco sticks his tongue out to lick it.] Dr. Heinz: Does it taste poisonous? Bosco: I don't think so, but... Dr. Heinz: Good! Let us grind it up and mix it with that monkey dung you stepped in before. I have a feeling such a concoction may indeed provide us with what we've been looking for... Bosco: What's that, Dr. Heinz? Dr. Heinz: Bosco you imbecile! The cure...the cure! With this leaf, we may have finally found (now with loud, booming voice) a cure for AIDS!!! Quick! Get one of the petrie dishes! (Bosco searches through the backpack he carries) Find the one with the most powerful HIV we have! Bosco: (excitedly hands him a dish) Here, Dr. Heinz... Dr. Heinz: Now...lift up your shoe, my good man! [Bosco lifts his leg up and Dr. Heinz scrapes the brown substance off his shoe with his finger.] Dr. Heinz: (holds the finger up and sniffs it heartily) Bosco ol' boy, it smells like our mission will soon be over! [Cut to a shot of Dr. Heinz and Bosco sitting on a log looking dejected.] [SUPER: Thirty minutes later] Dr. Heinz: (speaking lowly) Bosco...that's the 35th petrie dish we've been through, and still no cure for AIDS. How many samples do we have left? Bosco: Let me see...(looks in bag, counting slowly) one...two...three...four! Only four samples left, Dr. Heinz! What are we going to do? Dr. Heinz: I don't know, Bosco, I just don't know. I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble finding...(standing up and speaking in a booming voice) a cure for AIDS!!! (now sitting back down) I mean, I really thought the tree bark and bird poop powder we made the other day would surely kill the virus. But alas, it did not, just like every other plant-slash-animal feces compound we've produced. Bosco: Well, maybe one of us should start peeing in it or something... Dr. Heinz: (chuckling) Oh Bosco, you disgusting savage! That's why you step in the poop, and I make cures out of it! (a short beat) But don't kick yourself too hard Bosco...we will soon find (now a booming voice as he stands) a cure for AIDS!!! [Cut to a view of Dr. Heinz and Bosco stumbling upon what seems to be a village as they walk towards a small straw hut.] [SUPER: Four hours later] Bosco: Dr. Heinz...I'm growing tired and weak... Dr. Heinz: Once again Bosco, I'm sorry for having that snake bite you earlier. I thought combining the venom with some fronds and aardvark crap would surely provide us with the salve we've been looking for. Bosco: Yes, Dr. Heinz...it's just...I don't know if I can walk anymore... Dr. Heinz: Yeah, well if I don't find a cure for AIDS, I'm back in Ohio selling Preparation H over-the-counter at Walgreens, so we have to keep moving! Bosco: But Dr. Heinz, I can't breathe... Dr. Heinz: Look Bosco, unless the next words out of your mouth are "I found a cure for AIDS!"...keep it shut! [A beat as they walk a couple steps further.] Dr. Heinz: I think we've came upon a village...maybe they'll have anti-venom here... [A villager (Sanz) suddenly accosts them from the right. He's wearing nothing but a loin cloth of some sort and necklaces containing animal teeth and beads. He carries a pointed spear.] Villager: (speaking in a deep voice) Halt! Dr. Heinz: Oh thank god Bosco! Someone has found us... Villager: What is your business here, strange-looking man? Have you come to disturb the peace my peoples have shared for over 1,000 years? Dr. Heinz: No no kind sir. I am here searching for a cure to a horrible disease. Please, let me introduce myself...my name is Dr. Heinz, and this is Bosco, my loyal and faithful assistant. Listen my good man...Bosco here is dying from a snake bite...can you help him? Villager: Maybe...Kumbalu, get over here! [Kumbalu (Richards) approaches from the right. He is dressed similar to the Villager, but is painted up to appear darker. He looks ridiculous.] Kumbalu: (speaking normally, but with a lisp) Yeah... Villager: (motioning to Bosco) Take this fellow to the medicine tent...he has a snakebite. Kumbalu: What-ever... [A beat as Kumbalu leads Bosco off to the right.] Villager: So doctor...what is it you have come here for again? Dr. Heinz: I have come in search of (once again in a booming voice) a cure for AIDS!!! Have you heard of this disease? Villager: I don't think so...any luck so far? Dr. Heinz: Not at all. I'm beginning to think I'll never find...(booming) a cure for AIDS!!! Villager: (puzzled by Heinz's second outburst) Uh...maybe I could help you. A couple months ago, a lot of the other villagers were dying from some kind of sickness...until our medicine man was able to devise a cure for it. Dr. Heinz: (excited) Oh really? You know, maybe I've come to the right place! Maybe, in the midst of all of my fruitless wandering, I have finally found...(booming) a cure for... Villager: (interrupting his mantra) Will you stop that? Dr. Heinz: Sorry...uh, could you please tell me what makes up this remedy you speak of? Villager: Well, I think it was derived from mixing some kind of rare grass with bat guano. Dr. Heinz: So I was on the right track all along! Villager: You mean, with the whole plant-slash-poop thing? Dr. Heinz: Of course! Villager: Yeah...that always seems to work. I tell ya...I sure wish you could cure premature ejaculation with poop... Dr. Heinz: (looking down) Me too...(a short beat) Villager: Well hey, maybe if you describe this AIDS to me, I can determine whether or not it's the same disease that was killing off my people and then we can offer you the cure you've been searching for. Dr. Heinz: Well...(thinking for a second) basically, if a person gets AIDS, their immune system slowly shuts down, making them susceptible to death by all kinds of sicknesses, such as influenza or even the common cold. Villager: (proudly) Well doctor, we developed a cure for colds a long time ago. Maybe you could bring that back to your country and make your employers proud... Dr. Heinz: No no...that's no good. We've long had a cure for those also, but my company makes wayyy too much money off over-the-counter cold medications to introduce it to the public. Villager: Hmm...capitalism's a bitch, huh. Dr. Heinz: Yes it is...but we're getting off-track. Could you please tell me if the disease I described is anything like the one your people were dying from? Villager: Well, it doesn't really sound like it too much. I mean, the illness our villagers were dying from caused them to have high fevers, and they would also develop this real dry cough, and the worst thing was everyone around them would get sick also. We had to take all those people and put them in a separate hut so the whole village wouldn't die off. Dr. Heinz: We're they having sex or sharing needles? Villager: Oh no, not at all. No one wants to make whoopie with someone who's hacking away like David Letterman. Nah...it was like a severe, respiratory problem or something... Dr. Heinz: (suddenly angry and dejected) Dammit! Your people weren't dying from AIDS! Oh curses...I haven't found the cure after all! [Bosco and Kumbalu approach from the right.] Dr. Heinz: Oh Bosco, are you ok? Bosco: (coughing and wheezing) Dr. Heinz...I don't feel so good... Kumbalu: (coughing and weezing also) Yeah...like, me neither...we got a real severe, respiratory cough from this wrinkly old lady we passed on the way back... [Bosco coughs really close to Dr. Heinz's face.] Dr. Heinz: Will you get out of my face! I don't want to catch cold! Villager: Oh, Dr. Heinz, he's got more than a cold...he's got something that's real...uh...what's the word...acute! Yes, it's real acute! But we got a cure for that kind of syndrome, we can help... Dr. Heinz: Oh forget it! Damn you, damn you all! To have my hopes up like this? To lead me to think I could have found the cure for an ailment that's got my country up in arms right this minute! (looking up) Damn you South America...damn you!!! C'mon Bosco, let's get outta here...for we must continue onwards, as we must never relinquish, not until death at least, our search for (booming) a cure for...(begins coughing several times) a cure for...(coughing resumes) Oh god...my head hurts! [Screen freezes as saddening orchestral music plays and the announcer's words began to come up from the bottom of the screen as he speaks them.] Announcer V/O: Well, Dr. Heinz never found a cure for AIDS. In fact, he contracted another deadly disease, known as SARS, and died, alongside his Puerto Rican assistant, somewhere deep within the South American jungle. But the worst thing is when the villagers found his petrie dishes full of lethal HIV, they thought it was some sort of expensive American cuisine and proceeded to eat it. It actually tasted good when mixed with pine cones and alligator turds...but anyway...the virus then spread throughout their entire community until every one of the kind and peaceful villagers were dead. I tell ya...the white man sucks, ya know? [Music comes to a crescendo as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
