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Subtitles Roll: The Royal Saudi Ministry of Communications presents the following locally-created entertainment programme in cooperation with and licensed by the Bravo Network and with the hopes of creating increased cultural understanding and bringing the people of the United States and the subjects of his Royal Saudi Majesty closer together. After the show, please stay tuned for a special message and gift from our sponsor, The Royal Saudi Ministry of Petrochemical Exploration, Mining and Environmental Protection. Theme music plays. Introductory sequence, including close-ups of our five regulars: Mahmud ibn-Samil (Fashion) Said ibn-Gamil (Grooming) Yassir Muhammed (Interior Design) Bendar al-Ibrahim (Food) Tamil Benazir (Dentistry) The scene opens as we see the five regulars traversing the Saudi desert on camelback. They are dressed in traditional garb, except Mahmud, who wears a mini-skirt / robe that barely covers his loins and certainly not his smooth-shaven legs, and a big-buckled Gucci belt. His head is covered by a head-covering imprinted with the Chanel logo. Mahmud: All right men, what is our mission? (Bendar takes out a binder and begins reading from it.) “This is Abas al-Harthi. He is twenty-nine and a council leader of his nomadic tribe. He is also a part-time petrochemical engineer and has six wives.” Tamil: Busy guy. Mahmud: (excitedly) “And Six wives? I haven’t seen that much action since my trip to Thailand.” Bendar: “And he is getting ready to receive an emissary from the Royal Court. It’s a big occasion and he needs our help.” Said: (toying with the camel’s hair.) “Jeez, next step after this is my own show on the Animal Planet network. Animals never exfoliate ! Can you believe it ? (Taking out a hairdryer) Where do you plug this thing in ?” A camp of several tents holding their own against a ravaging sandstorm appears. Tamil: Is that a mirage ? Mahmud: “No, baby. A Mirage is a hotel in Vegas where gay albinos hump each other. Tamil: Oh, Yes, I have been there. Those tigers are so massive and beautiful. Mahmud: No, I meant Siegfried and Roy. Said: Who said “Oy ?”. Did I hear someone say “Oy ?” Zionist posers, all of you ! Mahmud: Quiet everybody. Lets get fabulous. I think we are here. They stop in front of one of the tents and enter. A guide comes out to greet them. Guide: (a rather corpulent fellow dressed like a genie) Welcome, welcome dear guests. This is the home of Abas Al-Harthi, son of Hamud Al-Harthi, descendant of the prophet, and your most gracious host. I am his assistant and spiritual guide. Please come inside.” He guides them inside the tent. Mahmud: (whispering) Who rubbed the 2-liter bottle and let him out ? Yassir: (giggling, whispering back) Yeah. Ooo Ooo, my first wish is that you get a thigh master and work on that ass jiggle. The inside is decorated with Moroccan pillows on the floor, and animal skins are used for everything else. Yassir: Well, I see I have a lot of work in front of me. It's so dark in here, I feel as if I’m in a colonoscopy. And I haven’t seen this much back hair since you dragged me to the Log cabin republicans convention. Mahmud: Ok, enough already. Don’t be a metaphor whore. Yassir: I know but how can people not know that animal hide’s been out since, like, the Ayatollah. Ow, ow, ow. Said: What’s wrong ? Yassir: I am suffering from acute style allergy. Where’s the Pottery Barn ? I need some major furnishing shopping therapy. I’ll even take Pier One with that Christie Allen heifer. We hear talking in the next room (yes, there are multiple rooms in this tent. Heck there’s even a swimming pool with turtles). Camera pans to Abas in a traditional robe, surrounded by his six beautiful wives. Guide: Your eminence. May I present “The five Kuwaitis”.! Said: Not Kuwaitis, Queers. Guide: Ah yes, a thousand of my apologies. Yassir: (whispering) Save those for your poor chairs. Abas: Brothers. I have called you here on a most important mission. I need your help. I am receiving an emissary from the royal court but as you can see I am but a pauper. I cannot embarrass myself before our beloved Royal Highness’ counselor. Can you help me ? Mahmud: “Can we help you ? Is Ashton Kutcher bigger than Jesus ? Ok, guys let's get to work. Said: Show me to your bathroom. Said and Abbas walk over to the lavoratory which consists of a hole in the ground and a sad looking eucalyptus bush next to it. Said: Wow, when did you move here from Tragicistan ? What kind of tree is that ? Abas: (embarrasedly) It is a eucalyptus bush. Said: Eucalyptus ? Are you sure its not a beech ? That reminds me of a joke: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!". (Laughs to himself) Anyway… You can’t wipe with eucalyptus leaves. No, no, no. Palm is much better. I have gotten you a palm tree. See how soft and wide the leaves are ? Trust me, your ass will thank me. Yassir: (walking by, eating peas) Ah, if asses could talk. Mmm, some more of these delicious desert peas and mine will. Said: (back to Abas) And remember eat with the left, wipe with the right. Let’s practice. Eat with the left, wipe with the right. Then make sure to apply some of this Sore-Ass brand Aloe oil. Its a fabulous new men's line from the Evil Empire. It will leave you soothed and fresh and smelling sweet as the Rose of Sharon. Now, I also brought you some styling products from Riyadh. Lets see what you have. (He takes off his headcovering). Eeek, I haven’t seen angry band hair like that since I picked up John McEnroe at Wimbledon. Let’s see what we can do. (He applies some hair tonic to Abbas’ hair). And zhuzh, zhuzh, remember to go from the back to the front and zhuzh, zhuzh. Ok, I think you’re ready. Abas walks over to his bedroom where Mahmud has laid out some clothes on top of his bed. Mahmud: (searching through Abas’ closet and showing him items before he disguistingly discards them to the floor.) (Takes out a Nehru jacket) Too Beatles. (Takes out lime-green suit) Too Miami Vice. Crockett meet Tubbs. More like Crappy meet Tubby. (A Camelhair jacket) I think his mommie is parked outside. (A missile launcher hidden in the .) What no liquor to relax me first ? (A Burberry suit) Argh, worse than an Israeli stamp in your passport ! I’ve gone to the local Shuk and picked out some things for you. Try them on. In rapid sequence, we see Abas trying on a burka, a lavander turban and several other items while the guys watch and comment. They finally settle on an outfit that looks exactly like the one Mahmud is wearing: A half-height traditional robe barely covering the crotch and a loud Gucci belt. Pink sandals are optional. “I love it,” exclaims Tamil, “Its better than a “Girls gone wild” video.” The rest of the guys are shocked. They look at him with mouths agape. Tamil: “What? whaaat ? I accidentally flipped to it when I was watching Al-Jazeera.” Mahmud: (sternly) “We’ll talk later !” Bendar next takes Abas to the kitchen. We see about a dozen Phillipino ladies rummaging about preparing dinner and admonishing each other in Tagalog. Bendar: Now, there’s nothing that impresses a guest more than preparing a custom-made meal in their honor. Knowing you cared enough to make something with your own hands warms the heart and excites the palette. I’ve had this Samak A-Saif fish flown in from the Palestinian territories especially for this occasion. Now You can’t find this species of fish anywhere else except the West Bank and Gaza. It’s has the fatty consistency of a nice Pacific Northwest salmon tempered by the meaty substance of a Patagonian tooth-fish. What I like to do is use a pincer to gently debone (Proceeds to work on it) and at the same time, remove the rubber bullets (takes out a few with pincers, as he takes one out it exlodes.) Oops (laughs to himself), sometimes you get a live one. Said: (walking by) Has anyone seen my Elizabeth Arden pincer ? Bendar and Abas embarrasedly shake their heads “no”. Said: Are you zhuzhing ? (Makes the motions with his hair) Less cooking, more ZHUZH ! Bendar: Ok, now let’s place some butter and lemon and grind some pepper. (Hands the pepper mill to Abas, who wearily takes it but cannot operate it.) Clockwise. Bendar: And that’s all there is to it ! Simple, right ? (Smiles, then screams at the top of his voice to the Phillipino assistants in Tagalog. We see the translations in subtitles: “Prewarm the oven to 450 degrees and debone the fish, cook precisely 15 minutes on each side, then flambé at medium for 12 minutes. Mix the basmati rice with saffron essence and cook for 15 minutes, then hand grind seven persimmons and a pomegranate using a silver sieve to make the sauce. Obtain some fresh goat-milk crème and gently mix into the sauce. Let’s go. Hurry, hurry.” (Turns back to Abas.) Its amazing how useful those trips to the Phillipines turned out to be !:) Lets go back to the living area. I think Yassir has a surprise for all of us. Theme music comes on. A 360-degree before montage of the room is shown. Then a 360-degree view of the new room, which has been replaced with Louis XIV ornate furniture, ornate mirror frames, everything in gold and lots of votive candles . Everybody exclaims their love for the new interior. Yassir: What I’ve done is replace the animal skin with Louis XIV baroque. Most of these pieces are from Vincent (a photo of Vincent, a French tough-guy hoodlum), the fabulous guy who runs the museum giftshop (here he makes the quotes sign with his fingers) at Versailles. (Blows kisses) “I love you Vincent.” I’ve also replaced the photo of Saddam and King Abdullah with a stylized print of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, still retro, but a bit more updated. Tamil: And to match your new fabulous living room from Yassir, I have created custom golden tooth veneers. Please… (he motions for Abas to sit in the dentistry chair and begins work. We hear his screams, the sound of the drill, perhaps a few high-powered jets of blood.) The four remaining regulars gather in front of the dentristry procedure. Bendar: That was hard work. I need a Mojito. Said: Make that a summer-berry spritzer and I’ll join you. Mahmud: Come on guys, our work here is done. (They sprint out of the tent.) Fade out. Fade in to the regulars resting in the dessert, propped up against two sitting, chewing camels. Tamil’s robe is covered with blood spatters. With a small TV hooked up via a gigantic satellite dish they are monitoring what is going on back at the Abas household. On the Television monitor, we see Abas getting ready for the big visit. He goes to the lavoratory and uses the palm leaves. He looks at each of his hands and decides on the right one to wipe with. The guys cheer this. He goes to the kitchen and screams at the ladies making dinner. The guys cheer this also. He sits on his new Louis XIV sofa and waits nervously. The emissary comes. Abas again decides between his hands to choose which one he shakes the emissary’s hands with, then hugs and kisses him. Mahmud: I always suspected it. He’s one of ours. A stern looking gentleman, from the Saudi security forces, dressed in indigo robes on horseback interrupts them. Policeman: “Salam aleikum. Brothers, do you not know that al-cahol is prohibited in our great kingdom ? I am afraid you will have to come with me. The punishment for consuming the evil al-cahol is two weeks in prison.” Said: Prison ? Prison, like late night Showtime movie prison or like HBO “The Oz” prison ? The guard appears confused. Mahmud: Oh, well I guess we have committed a wrong against our great regent and the kingdom and we must do as he says. Yassir: I’ve got dibs on our last bar of soap. Said (his voice trailing off as the skit comes to a close): Soap, soap ? Do you know what kind of sticky film residue that leaves ? Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
