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[Scene opens with a shot of Catholic Church congregants taking communion. Organ music playing in the background] [Shot cuts to a man sitting in the pews with a forlorn look on his face.] Man: All my life I strived to be the best Catholic I could be. I attended Catholic schools from grade school through college. I was an alter boy and in the choir and never missed a mass. I go to confession every week. I never even wore a condom or even dreamed of sex for other than pro-creation. But when my doctor told me I had cholesterol above 300, I had to cut back on fat anywhere I could. [Sigh] Unfortunately, this meant giving up communion. [Shot then cuts to a haggard woman in the pews, a baby in her arms and many small children fidgeting and crying around her.] Woman: After my twelfth child, I wanted to get back into swimsuit shape. Raising twelve children and being a dutiful wife leaves me little time to plan a good healthy diet. Cutting out my weekly host just made sense for my weight loss plan. [Shot then cuts to a priest standing in front of the alter with a big grin on his face.] Priest: The Catholic Church recognizes that many of our faithful have special dietary needs. We are constantly working to make our services accessible to all our congregants. With that in mind, we have developed a new low-fat version of host. Rosary Crisps. [He holds up a small wafer in front of him] Baked by the nuns of the Lady of the Firm Buttocks Convent in Hollywood, California, Rosary Crisps have 50% less fat than a traditional host. So, ask your pastor to switch to Rosary Crisp. [He holds up the wafer again] Rosary Crisp. Half the fat; all the Jesus. Announcer: Coming soon, Blood Light, a lower calorie sacramental wine. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
