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Draeger Martinez, J.P. Ragan & Mark Jennings Reese II
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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Arnold Schwartzenegger.....Darrell Hammond .....Captain Democrat Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. This week, Congress released a list of domestic issues that are troubling them. One domestic issue that stood out was ‘the situation in Iraq’, leaving many to ask, “isn’t Iraq a foreign issue?” The U.S. Department of Energy launched a probe this week into whether oil companies have gouged Americans following the Northeastern power outage and Labor Day weekend. Reached for comment, John Q. Public said "I'm bleeding from the bunghole already, so for God's sake, please: no probes!" Jimmy Fallon: An English company has created a James Bond-style convertible that goes up to 100 mph on land, which can also retract its wheels and become a speedboat capable of reaching 32 knots on water. The car costs $235,000 to start, $250,000 nicely equipped, and $475,000 with a Briton-tested power toothbrush. In Amsterdam, customs officials found 2,000 baboon noses packed in a suitcase left behind at the airport. Quiqui, a Dutch baboon capable of simple sign language, announced to area skycaps: "Quiqui wanted tell boss -- friends losing noses. But Quiqui met weirdo -- he had power saw -- so..." On Wednesday, an unknown assailant threw an egg at gubernatoral candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger as he arrived for a campaign rally at California State University. Proving that politics comes first, Schwartzenegger waited until after he finished his speech to kill the assailant. And Gary Coleman unveiled his political platform this week. To no one's surprise, the platform was constructed of six phone books stacked on top of one another. Now here to tell us more about the state of California politics...Arnold Schwarenegger! Arnold Schwartzengger: Thank you Tina, thank you Jimmy. Okay...everybody watching at home is probably thinking, "Wasn't I just watching the fabulous sexy Tina Fey and the handsome Jimmy Fallon on SNY? How come I'm suddenly watching Arnold Schwarzenegger in the biggest blockbuster of the summer, Terminator 3?" Well, let me put your mind at ease. I am Arnold, but this isn't Terminator 3, nor is it any of the Terminators which were all fantastic in their own right. Actually you are not watching any of my many fabulous movies like Commando, Running Man, Predator or my personal favorite True Lies. In fact, my movies are no longer even being shown on cable television in California due to my pending candicy for governer of that fine state. As sort of a public service for the great people of California I'd like to take a moment and suggest going to your local Blockbuster and renting or buying those movies. Who r the big business cable companies to tell u what u can or can not watch? It's innovative ideas like this which make me an ideal candidate for the office of Governor of California and which also makes The Last action Hero DVD with audio commentary, a must have for your DVD collection. Roll the clip. [Cut to clip of The Last Action Hero.] Arnold Schwartzengger V/O: There's a mistake. There's another mistake. There's a mistake. Oh ha ha ha there's another one. [Cut back to Arnold] Arnold Schwartzengger: Oh yeah ha ha so many things in life are just one big mistake, you know Tina? Tina Fey: Yeah, Arnold, I do. Some say u've made many mistakes yourself...don't u want to use this time to maybe say something to your detractors? Arnold Schwartzengger: I welcome all detraction. I mean I love it. It's free speech. The accusations of Steroid abuse...recreational drug use...orgies...disrespect of women...anti-latino sentiment. First off, u show me a Californian who hasn't tried drugs or hasn't been involved in an orgy or two and I'll show you someone who just moved here from Utah! Or possibly Wyomming. I''m only joking. Despite what people have said about me, I sincerely believe I represent the real spirit of California and it's people including my many detractors and those crazy latinos! As for my behavior with women...well (singing kinda)I wish they all could be California Girls...cause they r all so damn hot! Now if that isn't a respectful attitude towards the women, I don't know what is Jimmy. Jimmy Fallon: (nods) I...have a question. Um... enquiring minds would like to know exactly how one gets invited to an orgy? Arnold Schwartzengger: (Very seriously) Well, when you're in the Guiness Book of World Records under the heading of World's Most Perfect Body, you're pretty much on everybody's short list. Jimmy Fallon: I see... Arnold Schwartzengger: Whereas, if u're Tina Fey's co-anchor named Jimmy Fallon...u're on a whole nother SHORT list. (laughs) I'm joking with u. I made up all that orgy nonsense. It was all acting Jimmy. I was creating an image to entertain people. So people in Utah and Wyomming please feel to vote for me as well! Jimmy Fallon: Right, well your political personna is certainly a far cry from your on-screen personna. Arnold Schwartzengger: Thank you Jimmy, that's a very good point. I am not someone who resorts to violence to solve problems. I believe in calm rational dialogue. I'm a very calm person. Jimmy Fallon: So, uh, this doesn't bother you Mr. SchwarzenEGGer? (Cracks an egg open over Arnold's head) Arnold Schwartzengger: (chuckling) Not at all Jimmy, like I told the protester from the other day, if you're going to serve me eggs you might as well serve me a whole breakfast. Where's my bacon? Ha ha ha. Jimmy Fallon: Oh don't worry, I came prepared. (pulls out two strips of bacon from under the desk and inserts them, gleefully and while giggling into Arnold's nose)So...that...that doesn't bother u either. Arnold Schwartzengger: I've never been served bacon this way before. (shakes his head so the bacon wiggles, hanging from his nose, and laughs.)Free speech, I love it! Jimmy Fallon: Wow, you're being really good spirited about this. Arnold Schwartzengger: I told you Jimmy, I'm a very calm person. I don't get angry. Jimmy Fallon: I see that. But hey, what breakfast would be complete without a nice hot cup of coffee. (Jimmy pours the coffee down the front of Arnold's shirt. Arnold's face contorts in pain as the sound of sizzling flesh can be heard.) Arnold Schwartzengger: (standing up) Can we please see some more of that great The Last Action Hero DVD. [cut to more of The Last Action Hero] Arnold Schwartzengger V/O: There's a mistake. Oh ha ha that's a blockbuster of a mistake. There's a glaring mistake. How much more of this do I have to do... [cut back to the studio. Arnold has one hand around Jimmy's neck and his other arm drawing back to punch Jimmy whereupon he notices the camera is on him, releases Jimmy, and turns to the camera.] Arnold Schwartzengger: (laughing into camera.) In retrospect, I guess I should have ordered orange juice! Tina Fey: The very zen-like Arnold Schwarzenegger ladies and gentlemen.... Arnold Schwartzengger: (menacingly to Jimmy) I'll be back...(gleefully to crowd)as Governor of California! Jimmy Fallon: There is a contest going on for fans of Eminem. To who ever wins the contest, they will be allowed to meet Eminem in his studio, where the fan will be called "A gay motherf**ker" by the rapper. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have set a date for their wedding...the day they have set is September 14, 2003. Many critics have questioned the couple’s romance, because after all, Affleck is gay and Lopez is obsessed with her huge ass. It was reported this week that actor Ewan McGregor became depressed during the filming of “Star Wars: Episode 2”. Along with his depression, McGregor was led to boozing heavily. How ironic? That makes two of us that were led to the bottle because that movie. Tina Fey: A test by the federal government has shown that the crime rate has dropped to a 30 year low. However, this rate is expected to go up after the premiere of the new fall season on the WB. China Life is seeking to raise $3 billion…for one reason or another. In response to this, China Life has opened a fortune cookie factory and has tried to tell their own fortune. Jimmy Fallon: It was rumored this week that super divas Jennifer Lopez, Madonna and Britney Spears are in the works to form a supergroup. On a side note, they form a supergroup in my mind every night! Tina Fey: Musical journalists have begun profiling the possible super group and have been questioning, “What does each bring to the group?” Here with a comment on this is Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon: Jennifer Lopez brings her huge ass, Madonna brings her old ass, Britney Spears brings her fake tits and they all bring very large egos. Tina? Tina Fey: Ted Nugent said in an interview this week that "I am not a racist", although he did admit he does have a personal vendetta against people who don't like him and people who are not white. Asked by People magazine why he is dating actress Demi Moore, actor Ashton Kutcher said, “I am a huge collector of brat pack memorabilia." Jimmy Fallon: At last week's MTV music awards Britney Spears and Madonna stole the show by sharing an open mouth kiss on stage. Look for pictures of the big event to be featured in Britney's upcoming book "I have Sex too." At the time of the kiss, astronomers say that Mars was the closest it's been to Earth in 60,000 years. Perhaps it moved in for a better look? (Pause. Smiles) I know I did. Tina Fey: Actress Cameron Diaz broke her nose this week, and yet, somehow, the Earth managed to find a way to keep spinning. Whoopi Goldberg’s new series on NBC this fall takes hits at everything. The new sitcom features an Iranian immigrant unhinged by terror alerts, a conservative black lawyer with a hip-hop-talking white girlfriend and jokes about President Bush mispronouncing "nuclear". Trent Lott calls it, “COMEDY GOLD!” Jimmy Fallon: And now for a Weekend update exclusive. Tonight, the identity of the recurring character “Captain Democrat” will be revealed. Tina Fey: So let’s get the ball roll and introduce the creator of Captain Democrat, Jim Downey. (Enter Jim Downey) Jim Downey: Thank you, it’s great to be here. I am here tonight to reveal the identity of Captain Democrat. I think Captain Democrat is ready to come out. I don’t even know Captain Democrat’s true identity. So, I am just as surprised as you are, Jimmy and Tina. So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Captain Democrat! (Captain Democrat enters wearing a superhero-esque get up) Captain Democrat: Thank you, Jim. I am ready…to introduce my…true identity to you, the…audience. I’ve been thinking about this…awhile. And I have decided to do one last Republican diss before I reveal myself. (Clears Throat) George W. Bush is a friggin’ moron. He is a muppet! He’s dumber than Special Ed from Crank Yankers! Jimmy Fallon: That’s hilarious! Captain Democrat: Okay, here I go…(pulls off his superhero mask)…my name is Pat Robertson of the 700 Club! Jimmy Fallon: Wow! Tina Fey: Boy is my face red. Jim Downey: I was representing the Christian people for the matter of an appearance on Weekend Update? Goddamn! (Jim Downey exits) Pat Robertson: No, Jim…you shouldn’t talk about God in that manner. You have to blame the Jewish people about that one. Jimmy Fallon: Well, that will do it for this exclusive. For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
