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Glenn Herpson (Host).....Fred Armisen Announcer V/O.....Don Pardo Mort Waltman.....Jerry Stiller (guest star) Johnny Gallo.....Al Pacino [Sketch begins with shot of the host, Glenn Herpson (Armisen), at a podium to the left and the two contestants at podiums to the right. The host speaks in a typical, overly cheery game show host manner. Contestant Mort Waltman (Stiller) is dressed in a dingy button-up shirt and speaks in a rough Jewish accent, like Jerry Stiller’s character on Seinfeld. Contestant Johnny Gallo (Pacino) is dressed in a black suit, sans tie, with a red butterfly collar, and speaks in a semi-Italian, grandiose manner, like Al Pacino’s characters in Any Given Sunday and The Devil’s Advocate. Enter with corny game show music.] [Sound effects (spoke in a computerized but brusque Northeastern accent) are heard over the music and say, "HEY!" "WATCH IT!" "YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME???"] [TITLE CARD: The Yelling Game!!!] Announcer V/O: It's time to play...The Yelling Game! [The music fades out as the camera zooms in on Glenn Herpson, the host. The camera will cut to those which are speaking.] Host: Hi...I'm your host Glenn Herpson and welcome to The Yelling Game...the wacky new game show where speaking quietly and politely is not encouraged! (a quick cut to shot of audience laughing) Before we get to the rules...let's welcome our first contestant...Mort Waltman! [Audience applause.] Mort Waltman: How are ya Glenn. Host: Fine! Now Mort...you are a...(looking at the card closely) mortician in Queens, correct? Mort: That is correct... Host: (chuckles) A mortician named Mort huh...man that's wacky! Mort: Now why...is that wacky? Are you trying to insult me??? Host: Of course not Mort! Let's... Mort: (interrupting quietly) I believe you were trying to insult me... Host: Ok...let's meet your contender! Hailing from Trenton, New Jersey...Johnny Gallo! [Audience applause.] Johnny Gallo: Well halle-frickin-lujah! Someone finally acknowledges my presence in this place! How are ya Glenn? Host: Good...and you work in waste management, right? Johnny: I certainly do! Host: (chuckles) So are you a garbage man or a goombah? Johnny: (angrily) What are ya tryin' to say, huh??? Host: Oh nothin'...how 'bout we get things started! The rules are simple...I will read a scenario from a card, and you are to yell the correct smarmy, sarcastic, or angered response. Ready? [Both say "sure" indicating they are ready.] Host: Then let's play...The Yelling Game! (audience applause) Alright...for one hundred points...you're in a deli...and some artsy guy wearing a thousand-dollar toupee and pleather pants asks for your place in line because he's late for an appointment with his manicurist...go! Johnny: (ringing in and yelling) Ya think ya soooooo frickin' special, huh?! [A "ding" sound effect indicates he's right.] Host: That is correct! (quick cut to audience applauding) Next up, for another hundred points...you're at a bar...and some punk teenager starts playing obnoxious rap music on the jukebox...go! Mort: (hands are gripping the podium and outstretched) I don't...like bars. They're too stuffy...(lifts his head up higher) and it affects my...respiratory abilities. [A "NO!" shout sound effect indicates he's wrong, as Mort looks upwards for the voice.] Host: No...I'm sorry. (the audience groans) Mr. Gallo, can you steal? Johnny: Sure...(yelling) kid...if ya don't turn that crap off...I'm gonna break it over ya friggin' head! [A "ding" sound effect indicates he's right.] Host: Correct again! Mr. Gallo takes a commanding lead! (audience applause) Alright, for another one hundred points...you're sitting in a parked car, and some mime... ["IT'S GONNA BE HARDER NOW, STUPID!" shout sound effect is heard.] Host: Oh boy...that means the questions are now worth double the points! Mr. Gallo's our current leader with two hundred...(audience applause) however Mr. Waltman has yet to score... Mort: Not to worry...in the coming round, I will rise like the Phoenix!!! (lifts his hands into the air as if he's sprouting wings) Host: Yes...and you can start by responding correctly to this...you're in the park, and you witness a homeless man getting beaten to death by African-Americans with clubs...go! Mort: (ringing in quickly and excitedly, but after realizing the content of the scenario, pauses uncomfortably, then speaks uneasily) Uh...police! Somebody...police! ["NO!" sound effect indicates he is wrong. The audience groans, as Mort again looks upward searching for the voice.] Johnny: (ringing in, slightly less grandiose) Uh...help...help! This man is dying! ["NO!" sound effect indicates he is also wrong. The audience groans again.] Host: No...I'm sorry...both of you missed out on that one! The correct answer was..."Why don't you stop bleeding...and start getting a job!" [Both contestants appear uncomfortable with the answer. Cut to quick shot of audience clapping half-heartedly with similarly uncomfortable looks on their face.] Host: No points awarded there! Let's see if you guys can pick it up with this one, ok, and remember...this isn't called the humanitarian game...it's called The Yelling Game! (cut to shot of both contestants appearing confused) Alright...your at a family reunion...and several of your relatives come up all accusatory demanding you stay away from their children due to last year's "shower incident"...go! [Both contestants are stunned into silence. After five seconds, a "TIME'S UP, LOSERS!" shout sound effect is heard.] Host: Oh come on! Not even a guess? Johnny: That just sounds sick! I can't imagine myself ever being in that kinda situation... Mort: Me neither... Host: Well too bad...the correct answer was..."Hey everybody...it's not my fault my wife won't do anal...I had to find somebody!" [Cut to shot of audience clapping even less than before. They appear to be weirded-out.] Host: Alright contestants...here's the last one...and for you Mr. Waltman, this is your final chance to catch up with Mr. Gallo. Are you ready? Mort: I...I don't know...I... Host: Good! Ok...you're home watching the big game...but your so-called friend keeps calling with sob stories about how his depressed son wants to commit suicide...go! Mort: (ringing in) I don't think that's...appropriate... ["NO!" sound effect indicates he is wrong. The audience is silent.] Johnny: (ringing in and sounding concerned) Um...I don't know...that sounds kinda bad! I'd probably... ["NO!" sound effect cuts him off and indicates he is also wrong. The audience remains silent.] Host: Oooh, sorry! Once again...no points will be awarded! The correct answer was..."Let him blow his pansy-ass brains out...he's better off dead anyway!" [Cut to shot of audience looking repulsed and disgusted.] Mort: What??? That's horrible! ["NO!" sound effect is heard.] Mort: (looking up) Why...did it do that? ["NO!" sound effect is heard again.] Mort: Who the hell is doin' that?!?! [Cut to shot of the host holding a remote control with a big red button. He pushes it again, causing the "NO!" sound to be heard. He is smiling like an idiot.] Mort: (noticing the host) You know...you're a sick man mister! ["FINAL ROUND...ASSWIPE!" shout sound effect is heard.] Host: Oh boy...that means it's time for the final round, and it looks like Mr. Gallo is our champion today! [Cut to the audience as they appear confused as to whether they should be clapping or offended.] Johnny: (completely out of character) Uh...I don't think I want to be champion... Host: Sure you do! Come on up here! [The corny game show music starts up as the host runs to the front of the stage. Gallo reluctantly walks that way as an old lady, who is apparently asleep, is rolled out in front of them in a wheelchair with an IV in her arm. The music fades out.] Host: Alright...the object of the game is to yell obscenities into this senior citizen's ear until you literally scare her to death. Now remember...although her heart is weak, her hearing is hard...so be sure to be extra loud, ok? Johnny: What??? I'm not... Mort: (interrupting) Wait a minute...that's my mother you prick! [Mort runs over and attacks the host. Several stage hands come out of nowhere to pull him off as frenzied madness ensues. The corny game show music starts back up as the title card is shown.] Announcer V/O: Join us next week for...The Yelling Game! Come to think of it...we'll probably be yanked off the air after this...never mind! [The craziness continues as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
