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Jeff Richards.....George Rachel Dratch.....Diane Jack Black.....Cory (Open to a nice, middle-upper class, suburban living room, with a staircase ascending against the back wall. The room is decorated in warm earth tones featuring a cream colored couch and love seat with a few pictures on the wall. Jack (Seth) enters upon the sounding of a doorbell.) George: (Opens the door, revealing Cory) Hey! Come on in, glad you could make it. Cory: (Taking his coat off and hanging it on a coat rack next to the door) Thanks for having me, sorry Grace couldn't come she's... sicker than a dog. (Makes puking noises and motions) George: Well, there is that flu going around. Cory: It's been a while since I've seen you! (The two embrace) George: We go way back. Cory: We've been friends since we were three. Saltin' slugs… George: Dipping them in ranch and ketchup… Cory: And making your little brother eat 'em! (Both enjoy a hearty laugh while pantomiming Cory forcing slugs into a terrified looking George's mouth.) George: Yeah, he's in therapy now. Cory: Really? George: His turn signal was always a different rhythm than all the cars around him, he just cracked. Cory: Can't say I'm all that surprised. Diane: (Entering from the kitchen door on the right of the room) Dinner's ready! Cory: What are we having? I am famished! Diane: Well, we're starting with Caesar salad and chicken wings, followed by Vietnamese spring rolls, some hazelnut-butternut squash soup, rotisserie fire grilled ribs, finishing with chocolate oblivion torte, and some zabaglione with homemade wine throughout the evening. Cory: A full five-course meal, I'm impressed. Diane: Actually it's seven, eight if you count the homemade wine. Cory: Are you working right now? Diane: I'm still working at the school. Cory: Where do you find the extra time? (George and Diane exchange a pained look.) Diane: Here and there. (Laughing under her breath) When I'm frustrated I cook. Cory: Frustrated? Is there trouble in paradise, my homies? George: That's kind of why we invited you over…. Diane: Because you're a doctor…. Cory: A proctologist. George: And you're my best friend. Diane: The thing is … we trust you and we need your advice. Cory: Okay, when you're going out for sushi, don't get the chili cheese fries, they will only give you gas. And when a fart smells like beans and fish, it does not come out of carpet. George: Uh, it's not really that kind of advice. Cory: (A beat, before epiphany strikes him) Oh! I see, you need advice from the master … of (gyrating with his hips) l-ee-uh-v-ah and getting' it ON! Diane: YES! Cory: So what's up? Diane: We can't have sex. Cory: Hey, I know that waiting until you got married thing was important to you, and that's cool, but you're married now. It is normal and healthy, and if you don't have sex you're going to die. George: (Through gritted teeth) I KNOW! God! I know! Cory: What's the problem? (George and Diane exchange a somber look and sit down on the couch.) George: I'm allergic. Cory: To sex? George: To her. Cory: (Laughing) Man, you're joking right? George: No I can't even touch her, watch. (George reaches up Diane's skirt, and after a few seconds screams and removes his hand. It is covered with a rash of pus filled blisters boiling up off his flesh.) Cory: OH MY GOD! Diane: He was in the hospital for three and a half weeks after our wedding night. George: It took 8 days to come out of shock completely. Cory: Ok … I've got your solution right here: prostitutes. I know an escort service, I got a friend who has a friend and his cousin's a real slut … I can get you a deal. George: Okay. Anything it takes. Diane: NO! I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband. That was the point of being a virgin! Cory: Okay, how about mutual masturbation evenings, sort of like family game night, right? Pop in a porno and pull out some toys you do your thing he does his thing and you both make the best of it. George: It's not the same. Cory: (Matter-of-factly) Then get a divorce and find someone you can have sex with. George: (Whining) I hate lawyers. Her mom's a lawyer. Cory: Look you asked me for my advice and I gave it to you, so… Diane: Well, we did have this one idea. George: But you've got to hear us out all the way. Cory: Bring it on. George: I want you to have sex with her. Diane: And then have sex with him. Cory: What? Diane: With all the exchange of fluids, it's almost like we had sex with each other. Cory: Woah, are you joking? George: Look, you're my best friend and if anybody were to boink my wife other than me I'd want it to be you. Cory: My wife would kill me! George: Just be a friend, man! Diane: (Seductively) I'll do anything. George and Cory: What? Diane: Uh…to have you help us. (Smiles and clears throat.) Cory: Look, I can't … (Grabs his coat, and starts heading toward the door.) George: You are not leaving here until you have sex with my wife! Cory: You're nuts! I'm out of here. (Exits out the font door.) George: I thought we were friends! (George and Diane sit on the couch.) Diane: This is never going to work. Maybe Cory was right. George: About the divorce? Diane: No, about the hookers. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
