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George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell Condoleeza Rice.....Maya Rudolph Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond Laura Bush.....Amy Poehler SCENE BEGINS WITH BLUE SCREEN PRESIDENTIAL SEAL Pardo V/O: And now a special message from the president of the United States. SWITCH TO SHOT OF OVAL OFFICE IN COMPLETE DARKNESS GEORGE SITS IN HIS CHAIR HIS ONLY LIGHT ARE TWO FLASHLIGHTS HELD ON EACH SIDE BY CONDEE AND DICK George Bush: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight I have taken this time not to update you on the situtation in Iraq, or the do not call list, or Ben and Jen's on again off again nuptuals. Tonight I have come to show my new energy policy. The Rolling Blackout Across America Campaign. To save energy for our children's future and profits for our friends (wink), we must install this policy as soon as possible. And here's how it works. GEORGE PULLS OUT A MAP OF THE US AND HIS OWN FLASHLIGHT As you know by now the United States is divided into three grids. The eastern grid, The western grid, and the texas grid. The eastern grid will have rolling blackouts on mondays and thursdays. The texas grid will have rolling blackouts on tuesdays and fridays. And then the program will end where it all began with Mr. Davis in California as the western grid will have blackouts on wednesdays and saturdays. Give em hell, Arnie! There will be no blackouts on Sunday, because that's the Lord's day...and because of NFL football. Go Texans! Condee Rice: (w/o makeup) Sir, how long do we have to hold these flashlights? George Bush: Condee, aren't you the one who lied to me about the yellow cake? Condee Rice: (sighing) Yes. George Bush: Then you can hold that flashlight till your arm falls off for all I care. (noticing Dick) Hey, Dick I'm losing a little light over here. What gives. Dick Cheney: Sorry sir, I'm just reading the Congressional 9-11 report. George Bush: Can I see it. I haven't even looked at it yet. Dick Cheney: Of course sir. Pick a number between 1-50. George-28. DICK RIPS 28 PAGES OUT OF THE REPORT THROWS THEM INTO A NEARBY TRASH CAN AND HANDS THE REPORT TO GEORGE. Dick Cheney: Much lighter read now sir. George Bush: Thanks, but I still can't read in the dark. Condee give me the phone so I can call the power company so I can get 3 minutes of juice to skim through this. CONDEE HANDS GEORGE A CORDLESS PHONE George Bush: Not the cordless, Condee! The battery's dead. Give me the presidential princess phone. CONDEE HANDS GEORGE A 1980'S STYLE PRINCESS PHONE WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL ON IT GEORGE CALLS THE POWER COMPANY Automated voice: Hello, you have reached the power company. George Bush: Damn automated crap! Automated voice: If you would like to report a power outage, press 1. George Bush: Okay 1. Automated voice: Our records show that power has already been restored to 1600...Pennsylvania...Avenue. George Bush: (to Dick) Dick, have we even tried the switch? Go try it. DICK FLICKS ON THE SWITCH AND THE LIGHTS COME ON George Bush: Figures. GEORGE HEARS A KNOCK ON THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR George Bush: Now what?! Come in. LAURA ENTERS THE OVAL OFFICE CARRYING A FIDDLE AND BOW GEORGE LOOKS PERPLEXED George Bush: What the hell have you got there, Laura. Laura Bush: I'm sorry honey, I thought you told me to bring you this to you when "ROME" started to burn. George Bush: Get that out of here! It ain't burning...yet. LAURA STARTS TO LEAVE (changing his mind).... No wait. Give me that stuff. LAURA GIVES THE FIDDLE TO GEORGE Got to keep the people entertained. (looking around) Any requests. Laura Bush: How about the "Camptown Lady". George Bush: Works for me. GEORGE CLIMBS UP ON HIS DESK GEORGE POUNDS HIS FEET TO THE BEAT George Bush: (counting down)- A...1..and...A...2...and...A...3! (singing) "Camptown Lady, sing this song. DO-DA! DO-DA!" LAURA, CONDEE AND DICK DO-SI-DO IN FRONT OF BUSH'S DESK George Bush: (still singing) "Camptown racetrack 5 miles long. OH! DO-DA-DAY!" (to camera) "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
