[Scene begins in Gary’s (Black) apartment. He is sitting on his couch watching television when the phone rings.]

Gary: (picks up phone and screen splits to show both Gary and the caller) Hello...

Caller: (Forte, in a real sinister voice) Hello...Gary!

Gary: Uh...hey...who is this?

Caller: I’m a terrorist!

Gary: (suddenly frightened, but silly in his overreaction) Oh god...a terrorist???

Caller: Yes...a terrorist...your worst nightmare!

Gary: Am...am I your next victim? Oh...what did I do?

Caller: You’re a filthy, stinkin’ American...that’s what you did, and I’m sick of you...all!

Gary: Oh no...I am an American! Oh god...how could this happen to...(tone changes to inquisitive) wait a minute, because I’m an American?

Caller: Yes...because you’re a close-minded, xenophobic American!

Gary: But...you sound American...

Caller: Well...but...I renounce America...I renounce it!

Gary: Oh ok...(back to overreactive) Oh no...a terrorist! What am I to do?

Caller: I’ll give you a choice...you can renounce your country and join me, or I will continue to terrorize you!

Gary: Oh man...I don’t know what to do, I...I...(tone changes completely) hold on a sec...so you’re wanting me to join you now?

Caller: Well...yeah...

Gary: Oh ok...and if I don’t, you’ll terrorize me?

Caller: Yes!

Gary: Now exactly what would that entail? (picks up a magazine)

Caller: Well I could...uh...call you more, except for like late at night...when you’re sleeping and stuff! And I could....

Gary: Woah woah woah...hold on there buddy. I don’t know if I’d call that terrorizing, you know. That’s more like, just annoying really. You’d be annoying me, not terrorizing me.

Caller: Yeah? Well...I could do some worse stuff, you know!

Gary: Like what? And please give specific examples.

Caller: Specific examples?

Gary: Yeah. How ‘bout you start by going over what you’ve done in the past that’s terrorist-like.

Caller: Well I uh...I did this one thing where I went to the police station and reported a crime!

Gary: (sarcastically, as he flips the page) Yeah?

Caller: Well...the crime didn’t really happen! I was lying!

Gary: Oh I see...because at first, I was gonna say you were just being a good citizen. But in this case, I guess it was more like a bomb threat or something.

Caller: Yes! And I’ve done those too!

Gary: Hmm...reporting a fake crime...that’s not necessarily unheard of, right? But bomb threats? That’s just plain done to death. I mean, kids call in bomb threats!

Caller: Yeah...but I uh...

Gary: (puts magazine down) Listen, if you’re gonna be a terrorist, you gotta really terrorize people, you know? And there’s gotta be an element of originality to it! There’s gotta be some sort of deadly surprise, and if it’s your trademark, you know...your own thing...that would make it all the more deadlier!

Caller: (approaching a new level of understanding) Yeah...you’re right...

Gary: Yeah! I mean, what’s the worst thing you’ve done as a terrorist?

Caller: (thinking) Well...there was the time I pulled up to Wendy’s and ordered Taco Bell food. And then, another time I went to McDonald’s and pulled their fire alarm. That’s all, I guess.

Gary: So to recap, most of your experiences as a terrorist involve annoying fast-food workers?

Caller: (lowly) Yeah...

Gary: Now see how I used the word annoying again?

Caller: Yeah...

Gary: And what I’m saying is you’re not really a terrorist, man. You’re more of an...uh...annoyist, I guess. I’m not sure if that’s a word or not...but you get what I’m sayin’...

Caller: Yeah, so...what do I do?

Gary: Well I don’t know...I’m not a terrorist...lately...

Caller: Ok...but could you just give me some minor suggestions or something? You seem to know what you’re talking about.

Gary: (grabs an apple from the table and takes a big bite into it) Well...(munching) first off, the whole thing about asking me to join or else...

Caller: Yeah...that’s a good idea isn’t it?

Gary: Well...the recruitment of new followers is key for any good terrorist outfit. However, I figure you should distinguish between those you terrorize directly, and those you actually recruit. Otherwise, you just come across as desperate, catch my drift?

Caller: Hmm....yeah...

Gary: Second...you really gotta start picking more appropriate targets.

Caller: Like what?

Gary: Well...I mean it’s the government you’re rising up against, right?

Caller: I guess so...

Gary: (mocking him) I guess so??? Listen man, you’ve got to get your cause down! So far, all you’ve done is bother a couple of minimum wage-earning teenagers. I mean, even if you blew up a Wendy’s or a McDonald’s...no one’s gonna care if a bunch of future life-long losers are wiped off the face of the earth! You gotta hit the big boys where it hurts! Hit a government building, like a post office...or a school. Then, and only then, will people listen to ya.

Caller: God, you’re right!

Gary: And this brings me to my final point. You gotta change your methods of terrorizing, dude. Instead of just calling places and stuff, you need to buy some explosives, or hijack something!

Caller: What about suicide bombing? That seems to work pretty well...

Gary: Eh...I mean, it’s not the most original idea or anything, but I have to admit, you can’t beat the ol’ tried ‘n true.

Caller: Thanks man...you’ve been a big help! By the way, sorry for terrorizing you earlier...

Gary: Well again, it was more annoying than terrorizing...but I won’t beat a dead horse.

Caller: Right...but again, I apologize.

Gary: Hey, don’t worry about it! Just be sure and put in a good word for me with Allah and the virgins, ok? See ya.

[Gary hangs up the phone, and the shot is back on him only. A few seconds pass as Gary is finishing his apple, but soon the phone rings again. The screen splits again as he answers it.]

Gary: (answering) Hello...

Caller: (using a poorly-disguised voice) Hey Gary...I’m a terrorist!

Gary: What did I just say about calling people?

Caller: (clearing his throat) Uh...what?

Gary: I know it’s you!

Caller: Damn you’re good!

Gary: Idiot!

[Gary slams down the phone and shakes his head in frustration as the screen fades to black.]