[Scene begins with Fred (Forte) at a lavatory brushing his teeth.]

Fred: If God is indeed a merciful god, (brushes some more) I will win back Jenny’s heart.

[He continues to brush and brush. Soon, he has to spit, but his spit is very thick.]

Fred: (pulling his head back and forth trying to release the spit into the drain) What the hell?

[His spit won’t release. He is soon, by the magic of special effects, pulled into the drain. Cut to scene where he is in the bottom of his sink’s drain.]

Fred: (shouting...his echo can be heard) Oh my god...where am I?

[The germ (Black) magically appears in front of him.]

Germ: (speaks in a deep, booming, electronically-altered voice, which echoes) You are in the bottom of your drain, Fred.

Fred: How did I get here?

Germ: I brought you here using my magical powers. I am a magical drain germ.

Fred: Wow...really?

Germ: (loudly) Listen! I have news for you...I don’t like Jenny. I’ve been listening to you opine over and over about how you will win her back...but I don’t want her here again.

Fred: Hey...how do you know about Jenny?

Germ: I just do! Now understand, I inhabit many people’s drains, but since your Jenny has been gone, I have took up permanent residence in your sink, because there have been no problems...

Fred: Problems? What do ya mean problems?

Germ: Well...like sticky, excess make-up...hair clogs...you know, typical girl stuff.

Fred: But listen Mr. Germ, I gotta have my Jenny back...I just gotta!

Germ: Oh really? Is she gonna bring my Helga back?

Fred: Your Helga?

Germ: Yes...my Helga! I lost her after the great hair clog of ‘02. Many of my friends, along with my Helga, were caught up in your precious Jenny’s copious, long, and deadly hair for minutes...

Fred: Minutes?

Germ: Yes...minutes. To a germ, minutes are like your human years.

Fred: Oh I see...

Germ: Anyway, I had nearly untangled them all when Jenny called a plumber, and just like in the commercials, he took to pouring Draino down here and killed nearly everyone, including my poor, poor Helga.

Fred: Wait a minute...you’ve seen commercials?

Germ: Yes...

Fred: You get TV down here?

Germ: No...I sometimes inhabit the bodies of humans. Then, I watch TV...you know...to keep up with pop culture and politics and such...

Fred: Woah...do they ever remember what happens when you inhabit them?

Germ: No...they usually die afterwards.

Fred: That sounds pretty bad...

Germ: Indeed it does, now that you mention it.

Fred: Anyway...uh...listen man, I gotta have my Jenny back, ok?

Germ: Do you?

Fred: Yes I do...I’m still in love with her!

Germ: (bowing his head...his voice eases up) Oh...I see. I have to admit, I know how it feels.

Fred: Yes, and I’m sorry about your Helga, ok?

Germ: Thanks...(a beat)

Fred: I know this will sound strange, but...is there anything you could tell me that would help me get Jenny back?

Germ: Let me get this straight...you’re asking a magical drain germ, who detests and sometimes kills humans, for advice on the mysteries and intricacies of love and attraction?

Fred: Well...uh...I guess so. I mean, you had to have done something to make Helga love you...that is, before she was dissolved into goo by the Draino...

Germ: Fair enough. I guess my first piece of advice would be to just be yourself.

Fred: Hell, everybody tells me that...

Germ: Yeah...and come to think of it, that may not be the best advice...I don’t know...

Fred: What do you mean?

Germ: Well...to be honest, you’re kind of a dork.

Fred: What???

Germ: Come on Fred...look what you’re wearing...brown button-fly pants, a plaid shirt with butterfly collar, mutton chops...I mean, are you supposed to be John Ritter from Three’s Company or something?

Fred: But he’s dead...

Germ: Believe me, I know...

Fred: (a beat as he looks at him puzzled) Well, I guess it’s settled then. I’ll never get Jenny back.

Germ: Wait a minute (exits for a second; comes back with a big, gold ring) I found this down here a few weeks ago...

Fred: Oh my god! That’s our promise ring! I remember now...she lost it in the sink!

Germ: Yes...she did. It squashed one of my best friends, Speedy the Spirochete, so you’ll need to clean the bits of thorax off...but it should help you win her back.

Fred: It will! Thanks man, you’re a lifesaver!

Germ: Well sometimes, I’m the opposite...but I’ll make an exception this time!

[Both chuckle heartily. Afterwards, we hear what sounds like a woman’s voice coming from outside the drain. It is initially soft, with a big echo.]

Female Voice: Fred! Fred! Are you here?

Fred: That’s Jenny! She must still have keys to my apartment! Can you beam me out of here?

Germ: Well...I could...

[The germ is interrupted by the voice, which is louder, making it sound nearer the bathroom.]

Jenny’s Voice: Well...he’s not in the bathroom. I guess I’ll wash my hair before we go...

Germ: Oh no! She’s going to...

[They are soon submerged by a huge wave of water coming from above. Then...long, stringy hair (which looks to be foam masking as hair) comes down from the top of the stage. As the germ and Fred scramble around, they soon get caught up in the "hair" from above.]

Fred: (yelling over the splashing water) Oh my god man! What’s going to happen?

Germ: (also yelling) Well...we’re gonna be stuck here unless she stops soon!

Fred: Hey...you gotta get me outta here!

Germ: There’s no way I can tangled up like this...

Fred: But you gotta do something! I can’t die in my own drain!

Germ: I could inhabit her body and pull us out, then I could transform you to normal size again.

Fred: But that would kill her!

Germ: I know...but it’s the only way!

Fred: (a beat as he thinks about it) No...no! I can’t let you do that! I’d rather die down here than see my Jenny pass away!

[A male voice is heard from outside the drain.]

Male Voice: Honey, are we gonna get your CD’s and leave sometime soon?

Fred: (angrily) That bitch! She’s found someone else...and he’s in my apartment!

Germ: That’s great...that’s just great! I could inhabit him and get us the hell outta here!

Fred: No! Inhabit her! That whore will pay for her sins! She will burn!

Germ: But I thought...

Fred: Do it!!!

[SUPER: 30 minutes later...]

[Cut to scene in the bathroom. Fred and Jenny (the latter of which is inhabited by the germ) are standing by the sink. The male whose voice was heard before (Parnell) is tied up beside the bathtub with a wad of toilet paper shoved in his mouth.]

Fred: Well...looks like everything turned out alright after all.

Jenny/The Germ: (speaking with the germ’s booming voice) Yes it did...everything ok here...with the guy and all?

Fred: Oh yeah...we’re gonna have a lotta fun! (the male squirms a little harder and makes a loud, muffled sound) Well Mr. Germ, I guess this is goodbye...

Jenny/The Germ: I guess so. It was nice meeting you...but, no draino down the pipes, ok?

Fred: Yeah...(pointing at the captive) His blood wouldn’t mess anything up, would it? (after this comment, we hear another loud but muffled groan from the male)

Jenny/The Germ: (chuckles) Nah...that’d be fine, if not welcomed! See ya later!

Fred: Bye!

[We hear a loud, whooshing sound as he leaves the body. Jenny falls over dead.]

Fred: (looking towards the drain) Goddamn that cool little germ! (bending down to address his captive) Now...have I got a surprise for you!

[The male moves and squirms and tries to scream even more so as the screen fades to black.]