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Commander Sonny Listin.....Jack Black Seaman Shakes.....Seth Meyers Lieutenant Domingo.....Darrell Hammond Ensign Smith.....Fred Armisen Seaman Olly.....Chris Parnell Ensign Nelson.....Finesse Mitchell Seaman J.R. Pagan.....Jimmy Fallon [Scene: Control Room in a submarine. Entire cast is in scene. Commander Sonny Listin stands next to Lieutenant Domingo. The rest mingle in a tighter grouping.] Commander Sonny Listin: Alright settle down boys. Time for inspection. Lieutenant Domingo: Present asses! [Crew turns around and show Commander Sonny Listin their butts.] Commander Sonny Listin: (approaching the crew's butts) I've said it before and I'll say it again. With all the climbing you have to do on a sub, if you've got a soft butt that means you're not pulling your weight! (grabs Seaman Shakes' butt) Good. (Grabs Ensign Smith's butt) Excellent, I see that you've been doing more than your share of the work (smacks him on his butt). (Grabs Seaman Olly's butt) Good. (grabs Ensign Nelson's butt) Good. (grabs Seaman J.R. Pagan's butt) Damn. (gets that crazy Jack Black look in his eyes) Take a break once in awhile Pagan. Okay good work everyone. Now, I didn't just call you all here so I could feel your asses. I have a much more important reason. Seaman Shakes: More important than feeling our asses sir? Commander Sonny Listin: Well...maybe it's not...but it kinda is...damn you Shakes you know I'm not good at making decisions! Seaman Shakes: Sorry sir. Commander Sonny Listin: (pensive) I should have never let those German Tourists drive. Oh well, regret won't bring back that cruiseliner...and it won't cure my syphilis either. Only time can do that. Ensign Smith: Time sir? If not treated early with antibiotics syphilis can be fatal. Commander Sonny Listin: Oh really... (mocking tone) well somebody certainly knows a lot about syphilis. (to Lieutenant Domingo) Am I right? Ha ha ha... [Commander Sonny Listin looks at Lieutenant Domingo who begins laughing as well. The forced laughter filters through the crew.] Commander Sonny Listin: Anyways, back to the problem at hand. Can anyone tell me what this is? Ensign Nelson: It's a periscope sir. Commander Sonny Listin: Yes...can you be more specific. Seaman Shakes: It's a blue periscope sir? Commander Sonny Listin: Alright...good eye. I was looking for something a bit more abstract though. Who does it belong to...Seaman Olly? Seaman Olly: The good people of the United States sir? Commander Sonny Listin: No no. Dammit it's my periscope and I don't want you guys touching it and that's an order! I'm the Commander and looking through this periscope is what I do. I've seen the way you guys have been eyeing it...wanting to look through it. But it ain't gonna happen, you hear me? Now I know you've heard rumors. Perhaps you've heard that the periscope is some kind of porno 3D viewmaster. I mean...that's ridiculous. This is nothing more than a normal periscope. I use it to check surface conditions and what not. Alright? Now if you'll excuse me I have to check on the weather. Dismissed. [Crew nod their heads. They give appearance of leaving but don't actually leave the scene.] Commander Sonny Listin: (looking into periscope) Oh yeah. Ohhh baby. (clicks a switch on the side of the periscope which looks suspiciously like the switch used to advance a viewmaster frame) Oh ho ho...(thrusting hips) uh uh uh uh. Seaman Shakes: Ummm excuse me sir? Commander Sonny Listin: (turning away from periscope.) Yeah what? What is it? Seaman Shakes: I was just wondering...how...the weather was. Commander Sonny Listin: Looks alright Seaman. At first it looked like it was gonna be stormy but the clouds have spread out to the horizon and all I can see is (pensive) sweet sweet sun. Ensign Nelson: Wouldn't that be blue blue skies? Commander Sonny Listin: Boobs and thighs? What is your problem ensign! Now I suggest you all get back to work. I have to make sure that there are no enemy ships in the area. (moves towards the back of the periscope. Removes a large disc that looks like a large viewfinder disc from the back of the periscope and puts into into a cabinet. Takes another large viewfinder disc from the cabinet and puts in in the back of the periscope. Then looks into periscope.) Ohhh yeah. I'd luv to torpedo you! Lieutenant Domingo: Is there a problem sir? Commander Sonny Listin: Sorry? Lieutenant Domingo: Have you spotted an enemy...it sounded as though you had. Commander Sonny Listin: No. (looking at the crew who is still assembled)No, everythings fine. I thought I dismissed you guys? Seaman J.R. Pagan: Look I'm just gonna come out and say it. I think it'd help quell any unrest that might exist if u just allowed us to look into the periscope. I mean, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here. Commander Sonny Listin: You're right, it is obvious. Obvious that u have your mind set on mutiny Mr. Pagan! "I'll live to see you...all of you...hung from the highest yardarm in the British Fleet!" Ensign Nelson: I know we're allied with the British but I doubt they'd let u do that. [Crowd nods their agreement. The Commander appears incensed.] Commander Sonny Listin: Alright Lieutenant Domingo, this is on your head. I have very important matters to attend to and I will not be disturbed. You hear me! Lieutenant Domingo: Aye sir! Alright u guys...move it out of here. [Commander Sonny Listin goes back to looking in his periscope. Crowd again gives appearance of leaving but they don't actually leave.] Commander Sonny Listin: Oh yeah. (Presses switch) Oh yeah...that's what I like. Prepare the feast! Uh uh uh. (Presses switch) Yee-haw, all hands on deck! Lieutenant Domingo: (a beat) You heard the Commander...get moving! Ensign Nelson: What? What did he even mean by that? Lieutenant Domingo: (hesitantly) Well...from the sounds of it...I'd say he wants us to go outside...for a surprise picnic in the sweet sweet sun. Ensign Smith: What? C'mon...look at him. [shot pulls out to show Commander Sonny Listin doing an obscene dance.] Lieutenant Domingo: It's one thing to question whether your Commander is using the periscope to view pornography in 3-D, it is quite another to disobey a direct order! Now go! [The crew quickly leaves. Commander Sonny Listin takes his attention away from the periscope.] Commander Sonny Listin: Those guys finally go back to work? Lieutenant Domingo: Sort of sir, they are following your orders to go above and enjoy a picnic outside on the deck, sir! Commander Sonny Listin: What? Lieutenant Domingo: Yes. I clearly heard you say something about a feast and 'All hands on deck.' sir. Commander Sonny Listin: What? No I was...oh by the gods, we're still underwater! I have to go save them. (Commander Sonny Liston begins walking up a ladder but stops half way to catch his breath.) Damn my saggy behind! [Lieutenant Domingo watches as Commander Sonny Listin leaves. Lieutenant Domingo checks to make sure Commander Sonny Listin is gone and quickly runs over to the periscope.] Lieutenant Domingo: Oh yes, finally you're mine! (advances viewfinder) Oh Wilma, you're one lusty stone age wench! [Fade Out to 'The Flintstones' song.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
