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Doctor.....Kenan Thompson Karen.....Maya Rudolph Ryan.....Justin Timberlake {Open to a stock exterior shot of a science lab. Super: Genetic Engineering Lab 2039. Cut to the interior as a doctor leads a couple into a plain room with only a desk adorned by a computer and phone.} Doctor: Alright, Mr. and Mrs. Choppenhaggen, this computer will allow you to choose the characteristics you want for your child, down to the slightest detail and ability. It will send us the report, we'll construct the embryo, implant it into you and Ba-bam! Nine months later you've got the perfect baby. Karen: Thank you, we're really excited about this. (Karen and Ryan sit down at the desk, the computer situated between them.) Doctor: If you have any questions or concerns this phone (Motioning to phone on table) will automatically dial my pager. I have to meet some patients who accidentally selected two heads for their baby. Two heads are better than one right? Wrong! (Doctor laughs, but upon seeing the deadpan reaction from Karen and Ryan leaves uncomfortably.) Karen: Okay, let's get on with the baby making! (Looking at the computer screen) Ryan: Ooh, let's make sure it can do that eyebrow thing where you only raise one. Karen: But make sure it can do it with both eyebrows. Ryan: Obviously. Karen: First question: gender.. Ryan: (A beat as they both ponder) I stand firm that I do not want to know the sex of this child. I want to be surprised, just like God intended. Karen: I agree. I want to be a mother to my child, not a control freak. Ryan: So .. skip the question. Karen: I don't know how, maybe we should call the doctor. Ryan: Okay. (Picks up the phone and pages him.) (Karen busies herself with the screen, trying to figure out how to skip the question.) Doctor: (Entering the room) Is there a problem? Ryan: Well, we we'd rather leave the question of gender up to nature, so we wanted to skip it. Doctor: You can't skip gender. A lot of the other questions are gender specific .. Ryan: We want the sex of our baby to be a surprise. We believe having a child should be as natural as possible. Doctor: Well, to be honest, this process is intended to take nature out of the equation. Nature leaves a lot of room for error, and by taking control of Mother Nature we can reduce that margin. Ryan: I don't want to hear your doctor mumbo jumbo. Karen: You promised us we could have the child we always dreamed of, but nowhere in that dream was the monstrosity of twisting the future of our child. Boys lead totally different lives than girls. I can't predetermine that! It takes the fun out of shopping. Doctor: Fine, I will bypass the question. (Turns to the computer and types in a few commands) But, it's going to increase the risk of undesirable traits. Karen: Our child will always be desirable in our eyes. Doctor: Whatever you say. And ... if you want to skip any other questions just press Alt Tab Shift X. (Exits annoyed.) Ryan: I can't believe he was so insensitive about that. Karen: You'd think a doctor would be more open minded. Ryan: Anyway, next question. Karen: Intelligence level - Genius? Ryan: Though I hate to admit it, we need to remember some questions are gender specific. Karen: Intelligence isn't gender specific. Ryan: Yes it is. Men need to be smarter than women. Karen: I can't believe you just said that. Ryan: Honey, it's just that, smart women are intimidating and I wouldn't want our daughter, in case we have a daughter, to be unapproachable, thereby never having any friends. Karen: (Annoyed, her voice starts rising) Well, fine, but even casual conversation with a man who isn't above average intelligence is absolutely annoying. And if we do have a boy I don't want him to be shunned by society. Ryan: (Making peace) We're not getting anywhere like this. Karen: (Still a little upset) You're right. Let's just skip the question. (Cut to exterior shot, super: 55 minutes later. Cut back into the lab room.) Ryan: Okay - breast size. (Automatically) Double DD, triple if that's an option. Karen: (Argumentative manners once again ensue) What if we have boy? He's just going to be fat. Ryan: But if we have a girl she's going to be stacked. Karen: And will have horrible back problems by the time she's 45. Ryan: Everybody knows 20-40 are the prime banging years anyway. Karen: This is our daughter you're talking about! Ryan: Then just skip the question. Karen: Fine. (Cut to exterior shot, super: 2.46 hours later. Cut back into the lab room.) Karen: Penis size? Ryan: Huge. Karen: But if it's a girl that'd be disgusting. She'd have all sorts of problems. Ryan: Why do you always have to be the devil's advocate? I'm just trying to give our son, if we have one, a fighting chance. Karen: Well, you do just fine. Ryan: What's that supposed to mean? Karen: Uh - just that some, I've heard, are bigger than yours - (Quickly) but I love yours ... and - Ryan: STOP! Karen: We're skipping this question too? Ryan: You think? Karen: That was the last of the questions. Ryan: How many did we skip? Karen: All of them. Ryan: So we just wasted 20,000 dollars. Karen: Yeah. Ryan: Okay, well then, that's the way it is. We'll skip the doctor crap and... Karen: (Coyly) Make this baby the old fashioned way? Ryan: Right here, right now. Karen: I was hoping you'd say that. (She opens her purse and pulls out a tube of "Pillsbury Baby Buns".) Ryan: I think the oven's in the other room. Remember to set it all the way to nine months this time. Karen: Right. (Standing up to exit, Ryan playfully smacks her butt) Hoo-hoo! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
