[Open on megastore full of shiny, multi-styled cannons. Chip (Parnell) is standing in the middle of his establishment pitching his product in an excited manner, like a used car salesman. Cheesy, upbeat music plays.]

Chip: Hello folks, this is ol’ Chip Canonical comin’ at ya from the largest cannon store in the upper midwest! I’m here to tell ya that genuine Canonical cannons are the best in the world! We have the largest selection!

[Camera pans over hundreds of cannons throughout the store. One looks patriotic, with red, white, and blue stars and stripes; another has a naked lady painted on the side of it; another has Seth Green’s picture on the front; and yet another has Al Pacino’s gun-toting Scarface character emblazoned about the barrel.]

Chip: The lowest prices!

[Camera pans over several monochrome cannons with tags that include prices under $100.]

Chip: And the best guarantee!

[Up from the screen are these words in big bold letters: GUARANTEED FOR LIFE!!!...after that, several paragraphs of unreadable fine print race up the screen.]

Chip: Plus, you don’t have to wait ten days to have your cannon made...all you need is right here in the store! (close-up to his face) See if you can beat that, you dirty Amish freaks!

[AMISH = QUEERS flashes on the screen.]

Chip: (zoom out to wide shot) So come on out to Chip Canonical’s, because unlike the Amish, we don’t have sex with our cannons!

[Music stops as the screen fades to black.]