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Coach.....Darrell Hammond Danny.....Jimmy Fallon Cheerleader.....Maya Rudolph Brandon.....Jeff Richards Jackson.....Finesse Mitchell Eric.....Justin Timberlake [ int. – Northville Coyote football locker room. Half Time. Players milling about. Sweat abounds ] Coach: [ enters in a huff ] Listen up! [ speaks briskly and harshly throughout ] We’re only up by three and the Lions will eat us alive if we don’t step our game up! Danny, you’re our wide receiver, what do I keep telling you? Danny: Pay attention, even when defense is on the field. Coach: That’s right! And what were you doing? Danny: Making out with cheerleaders. Coach: And what else do I keep telling you? Danny: No cheerleaders in the locker room. Coach: That is right! [ Throws open Danny’s locker to find cheerleader. Cheerleader meekly exits, Danny mimes phone call ] Danny, pay attention! This about the team, not just you! Pop quiz, who is this? [ grabs Jackson by the shoulders ] Danny: Umm… [ weakly ] Mike? Coach: No sirree, Bob! This our tackle, Jackson! You know, the guy doing all the work while you try your damned hardest to get some sort of salival disease. Course the day you finally think with your head instead of your effin testicles is the day I use ten gallons of cow’s blood ‘stead of gasoline! [ Brandon laughs at the last remark ] Don’t you laugh at that Brandon! It has an octane of 15, you know! Stop laughing! You’re such a joker, always the joker on the field. Just cause you’re quarterback doesn’t give you no free pass to be Bob Hope, God rest his soul. To start, no more of this crazy hike crap you been pulling! You go “1 .. 5 .. 27 .. HIKE” and Derek gives you the ball. That is it! I don’t want to hear you saying “34” or fancying it up with a “19” and I most definitely do not ever what to hear “86” ever again, understood! Brandon: Yessir! Coach: I can’t hear you! Brandon: YESSIR! Coach: I’m glad that’s covered! Now, you boys played a decent game out there, but my buddy Chip in ‘Nam was decent a soldier and all they ever found of him was a handful of molars and a bicuspid! If you guys can’t step your game up, then I might as well just shove goat liver down your throats! Everybody out there must be doing their absolute damnedest to win this game! Absolutely everyone! Especially you, Eric! [ Eric in mascot costume, is taken aback ] Coach: Don’t give me those little beady squirrel eyes, you are a Coyote and you sure as hell better start acting like one out there! Let me hear your howl. Eric: [ weakly attempts a howl ] Coach: That was absolutely terrible; do it again! Eric: [ another weak howl ] Coach: Jackson, show squirrel boy over here how to howl! Jackson: [ howls loudly ] Coach: That’s all I’m asking from ya, Eric. Eric: I’m sorry… Coach: Sorry? That time I was left behind, surrounded by commies, with nothing to eat but Dead Albert’s left arm, I couldn’t just say “Sorry, I’m not gonna eat that!” I ate that arm and got the hell back to base! Them other school mascots can have their chicken dances and electric slides. They can let the dogs out ‘til there’s no more left to let out! But not you, you are a Coyote! And you better damned well start acting like one! If you can’t do that, you’re not just letting yourself down, you’re letting the whole team down! Eric: But I’m just the mascot. Coach: Just the mascot? Just the mascot? Just you listen; my battalion, down there in ‘Nam, we had a Rottweiler named Savage. Even he didn’t get out of the fighting. We strapped a rifle to that bastard’s back and I’ll be donkey snot on a stick if he didn’t shoot a half dozen commies himself. Everyone is important! Everyone needs to give 110% if the team is going to win, Eric, understood! Eric: This is just too much pressure for me! I can’t take it! I quit! Coach: You can’t quit! Eric: Yes I can! Coach: Look at me, Eric. Eric: I mean… Coach: C’mon Eric, look at me. Eric: What… Coach: If you walk out on the team, just where do you think you’re gonna go? Back to where you were? Fourth trombone in the marching band? They didn’t need you—you were nothing more than a walking clothes hanger to them. You weren’t worth half a pig’s fart to them. But I took one look at you and said, ‘I can make a Coyote out of him.’ Eric: I don’t feel like a coyote though… Coach: Jackson, does he look like a Coyote to you? Jackson: Yessir, he does! Coach: That is right! I never said being a Coyote’s easy, but that’s what makes us Coyotes! We never go down, we never give up! The team is depending on you, Eric! Now are you ready to go out there and win us this football game? Eric: Yessir, I am. Coach: Say it like you mean it! Eric: Yessir, I am! Coach: That is right! Now let’s get out there and kick some Lion ass! [ Team yells and screams and files out of the room. Coach grabs Danny while he’s walking by ] Coach: You get that damned lipstick off your face before you take one step on my field, understood! Danny: Yessir! [ black out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
