[Sketch begins by showing footage of elementary-age schoolchildren practicing football on what looks to be a beautiful fall afternoon. Cut to Jeffster and Doug (Richards and Fallon) sitting on bleachers watching the action. Parents are seen seated around them cheering on their kids.]

Jeffster: (sipping a sports drink) You know Doug, I was sittin’ here lookin’ at this Gatorade bottle and I noticed something...

Doug: What’s that?

Jeffster: Well, if you read the label, it says "When you’re going all out, Gatorade replenishes and rejuvenates so you can keep giving it everything you got."

Doug: Ok...

Jeffster: It goes on to say that it is "designed to quench your body’s deepest thirst"...

Doug: And...

Jeffster: And it says it refuels your body’s "working muscles"...

Doug: So?

Jeffster: So...I mean, it’s like designed to quench your body’s deepest thirst so you can give it everything you got, right?

Doug: Yeah...you just said that...

Jeffster: Well, I’m thinkin’ the "working muscle" it refers to is your penis during sex.

Doug: What???

Jeffster: Yeah...I mean, isn’t it obvious? Can't you see the innuendo?

Doug: No dildo, I can't! Plus, it says "muscles" not "muscle"...so unless you got two or more dongs, you're an idiot!

Jeffster: Well anyway, from now on I’m gonna drink this stuff when I can’t get it up.

Doug: Dude, you can’t get it up because your penis is the size of a tack and your girlfriend’s uglier than Tracy Morgan!

Jeffster: I know! Just shut up so I can watch my cousin practice, ok!

Doug: Alright...take it easy!

[A beat as they settle down.]

Jeffster: So, how do you think they’re doin’ out there?

Doug: Well, so far, they look to be in top football condition...and by "top football condition" I mean fat and flabby from playing Grand Theft Auto all summer.

Jeffster: Yeah, and watch how the coach coddles ‘em after every play...like he wants them to just have fun or something...

Doug: Yeah, I mean, don’t they realize this crap is for real? Hell...I got 30 bucks ridin’ on their showdown against Sunflower Elementary! I hear they got a hell of a gunslinger over there...

Jeffster: Yeah...well, I tell ya what these kids need...after every screw-up, the coach needs to just pull down all their pants and whip em’ ‘till they crap blood on the field.

Doug: Yeah...I bet they’d think twice about goofin’ off after that!

Jeffster: And if any of ‘em start crying, he should just tie em' up to the goalpost and leave em' out there overnight...no food, no water...no anything!

Doug: Dude, that sounds pretty harsh...and by "pretty harsh" I mean good one!

Jeffster: Yeah!

[A beat as the two slap fives and look on.]

Jeffster: (looking up) Dude, you ever notice how when it gets this time of year, the grass starts to die and leaves start falling off trees...isn’t that weird?

Doug: No...

Jeffster: I mean, it’s like some kind of nature demon comes along and kills everything off!

Doug: Dude, what are you talking about?

Jeffster: Nature demons dude! They’re the real problem these so-called environmentalists need to start worrying about!

Doug: Dude, it’s called autumn. You know, the season? Ya heard of it?

Jeffster: Yeah, I think I remember something about that from fourth grade...nevertheless, I think my theories will stand the test of time!

Doug: God, you’re a moron...

Jeffster: Just wait and see, dude...just wait and see.

[A beat as Doug looks on in exasperation.]

Jeffster: Say, you been watchin’ these last couple plays?

Doug: I can't...it looks like they’re tryin’ to embarrass themselves out there...

Jeffster: Right, but watch the quarterback...when he passes it, he looks like a bride throwing her bouquet at a wedding!

Doug: (chuckles) Yeah, but...but when the other kids catch it, instead of them being most likely to get married next, they’re just the most likely to turn gay and be thrown out of the house at 13!

Jeffster: (chuckles) Yeah, and what’s with the defense?

Doug: I know, dude. I tell ya, if I was out there, I’d knock some little fat kid’s head off! I’d be like...BOOM!...and then when he’s cryin’ and his parents are whimpering over his broken body, I’d say "off to the emergency room for you, little piggy!"

Jeffster: Hey, I got an idea...(standing up to shout) Hey coach! Let this guy (pointing at Doug) out there! He’d show these little fruits how to play some real football, prison-style!

Doug: (pulling at his friend’s shirt) Dude, sit down! I was joking...I could never do that to a kid...

Father in Bleachers: (from behind) Hey ass...sit down! We’re tryin’ to watch our children!

Jeffster: (looking behind him) Hey! I can yell all I want! It is a free country!

Doug: (looking back) He’ll be quiet from now on, ok. (talking to Jeffster, who is now sitting) Dude! Are you crazy?

Jeffster: No! There's nothing wrong with me voicing my opinion!

Doug: Your opinion about what...how I should get out there and play???

Jeffster: Yeah...I think you'd make a great Pop Warner-level D-lineman if ya shaped up a bit...

Doug: My god, you’re stupider than I thought...

Jeffster: Whatever...I’m just sayin’...

[A beat as Doug appears frustrated, and looks on.]

Jeffster: Hey, how much you puttin’ on our boys against Tiddlywinks Consolidated?

Doug: Tiddlywinks? You mean last year’s champs? (thinks about it) Dude...I’m puttin’ 50 on Consolidated...our guys just aren’t ready.

Jeffster: Yeah, I know. I mean, look at them now. Our backs run like the field’s covered in molasses, our receivers couldn’t catch SARS in a Chinese sweatshop, and our lineman won’t pass-block unless you put a cheeseburger stand in the backfield. It’s just sickening...

Doug: Hey, I got an idea about how to make our players faster...coach could time em’ all in the forty and if they don’t run at least a 4.5, he should make em’ walk barefoot on hot coals until their feet are skinless stubs.

Jeffster: I hear that’s what they got em’ doin’ down at Coolidge Prep...

Doug: Yeah, and if a kid misses a tackle, he’s punched in the face, no questions asked.

Jeffster: Hey, I got one! How about if they make a bonehead play on the field, they have your mother go in the locker room and get naked while the kids are undressing! (laughing) They’ll be so disgusted they’ll never mess up again!

Doug: Oh that's it!!!

[Doug lunges at Jeffster and both begin wrestling around vigorously. After a couple of seconds, the crowd begins to stand up and look onto the field with horror.]

Man in Bleachers: I think Johnny broke his leg! (looking over) Isn’t that your son, Jim?

Father in Bleachers (Jim): Yeah! (shouting) Johnny! Are you ok?

Coach: (walking up) Hey everyone...just calm down, alright? (Jeffster and Doug stop fighting) Johnny’s hurt real bad...we’re gonna take him to the hospital for some x-rays and...

Jeffster: (interrupting) What? Hospital??? Coach, you better tell that crybaby to get the hell up!

Father in Bleachers: What???

Doug: (quietly to his friend) Dude, just stop...

Jeffster: (ignoring Doug) That kid ain’t hurt! He just needs a nice kick to the chops!

Father in Bleachers: My son’s bone is stickin’ out of his leg you jerk-off!

Jeffster: Coach listen, just rub some dirt on it and put em’ back in...I mean, he’s the quarterback for god sakes, he’s supposed to be a leader! (yelling to the kid) C’mon Johnny, don’t be like your father...be a man for once in your life and get up and play!

Father in Bleachers: You son of a bitch! (comes down from his seat and rares back as if he’s about to punch Jeffster, but the coach hops up the bleachers and steps in between them)

Coach: Hey! That’s enough! (to the father) You’re outta here Mr. I wanna be the coach!

Father in Bleachers: What??? Didn’t you hear what he just said?

Coach: Sir...I don’t tolerate fighting in the stands...

Father in Bleachers: (pointing to Jeffster and Doug) You just saw them fighting and you didn’t say anything! (as he is being led out) This is outrageous!

[A beat as everything calms down.]

Doug: Dude, I hope that kid’s alright...

Jeffster: Yeah...he’s our only hope against Sunflower...

Man in Bleachers: (leaning over) Hey...you two got money on next week’s game?

Jeffster and Doug: (simultaneously) Yeah...

Man in Bleachers: Me too, but don’t worry about Jim’s boy...he’s just a little punk jackass who can’t throw the ball anyway. Just wait ‘till you see my boy Timmy...he ain't ate nothin' but raw eggs and mountain oysters since his teeth grew in...now he’s gonna show off his arm strength!

Doug: Sounds great! (cheering loudly) Go Timmy!

Jeffster: (also cheering loudly) Yeah, we hate Johnny...and we love Timmy!

Man in Bleachers: Yeah...that’s the spirit!

[Fade to black.]