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Allison Bittercake.....Halle Berry Pink.....Britney Spears Torturer #1.....Finesse Mitchell Torturer #2.....Horatio Sanz Prisoner #1.....Seth Meyers Prisoner #2.....Jeff Richards [ int. Study – day ] [ Pink seated upon a fancy chair, recalling Masterpiece Theater. Bookshelves and a bust of Shakespeare. Unlit fireplace ] Pink: Hello and welcome to Historic Feminists. I am your host, pop-rock singer Pink. Today we will be looking at a feminist from the middle ages: Allison Bittercake, the first female torturer. In a career long dominated by men, Allison faced many challenges. She first found work during the Hundred Years war, where she worked as an interrogator for the French. Gaining acceptance among her colleagues was tough, but Allison was no weak housewife. [ int. Torture Chamber – day ] [ shot in brown and white, like old film. Allison Bittercake and two other torturers, all dressed in black robes, similar to monks, and masks, similar to bank robbers ] Torturer #1: [ incredulously ] So you’re the new torturer they hired? Torturer #2: Funny, I thought you’d be a bit more… Allison Bittercake: Male? Torturer #2: Exactly. Allison Bittercake: Just because I don’t have a penis doesn’t mean I can’t do this job. I can do this just as well as any man. Torturer #1: Why would you think a stupid thing like that? Obviously, only men make good torturers. Allison Bittercake: Why should only men be able to do it? My academic background in the Tormental Arts is just as good as any man’s—I have a GPA of 3.9 and my GRE scores were in the 90% percentile. I spent a semester abroad interning with Khan and Associates Inc. in the Gobi. After all my years of study and devotion, how dare you say I am unqualified? It has been my dream to be a Tormental Artist since I was a little girl and you will not stand between me and my dream. This is not just for me; this is for every little girl that dreams of being a professional Tormental Artist! We shall not be denied! Torturer #2: Whatever. [ int. Study – day ] [ Pink seated on the edge of the chair, doing arm curls with a barbell ] Pink: None of her colleagues were happy with her presence, but most simply ignored her. Every so often, however, Allison was required to prove her mettle. [ int. Torture Chamber – day ] [ Allison Bittercake and Torturer #2. Prisoner #1 chained to wall ] Torturer #2: You think you’re so special just because you got good test scores. Well, you know what? There’s more to hurting people than just books! Allison Bittercake: Whatever you want to see me do to show I’m capable of this job, I’ll do it. Torturer #2: [ grabbing a metal bar off a work bench ] Alright, where on this prisoner’s right arm should I hit for the most pain without breaking any bones? Allison Bittercake: Five inches down from the Ulna-Radius intersection. Torturer #2: Wha...? Just point it out, I know it’s wrong. [ Allison Bittercake points at a spot on the forearm ] Torturer #2: No! [ grabs Prisoner #1’s head, and forces mouth open towards Allison Bittercake ] See those teeth? This sack of horsepiss has weak bones. [ releases prisoner #1 ] You need to hit it right [ slams rod onto prisoner’s upper arm; Prisoner #1 screams ] here or you’re going to break something. Allison Bittercake: [ picking a rod up off the bench ] Well, if you’re going to use the Kennison Bar wrong, sure. But you should be coming down at angle like this [ slams rod onto the spot she pointed at earlier; Prisoner #1 screams louder ] and you can do it all day and won’t even leave a scar. Torturer #2: I’m just about sick of you and your smart talk, Ally! Allison Bittercake: My name is not Ally, it is Allison! Torturer #2: [ advancing on her ] I can think of a few alleys I’d like to take you into. Allison Bittercake: Not unless you’d want to exit that alley a eunuch [ moves away, brandishing rod ] Prisoner #1: [ laughs ] Allison Bittercake: Shut up! [ slams rod onto Prisoner #1’s head ] [ int. Study – day ] [ Large punching bag is now visible next to chair. Pink now wears boxing gloves and a boxing helmet ] Pink: [ leaning on bag ] Besides difficulty from her peers, Allison received thousands of taunts a day from the prisoners. [ int. Torture Chamber – day ] [ Allison Bittercake and Prisoner #1, still chained to wall. Prisoner #2 is led in and chained next to him ] Prisoner #2: A woman? For a torturer? Prisoner #1: Don’t push her, she’s bloody psycho. Prisoner #2: Right you are. She’s gotta be psycho to think she can do what is so obviously a bloody man’s job. Allison Bittercake: [ sternly ] I can do this job just as well as any man! Prisoner #1: She bloody can. You’ll here not a word outta me on that one. Prisoner #2: [ to Prisoner #1 ] You’re a bloody fairy, aren’t you? Prisoner #1: Sod off. Prisoner #2: Blood and ashes! You really are! A fairy! I always thought tha— [ Allison Bittercake hits him over the head ] AAAAAAHHHH! Well… Lassie, you bloody well can do better than that. Allison Bittercake: That? That was just a love tap. Here comes the real thing. [ Allison Bittercake smashes Prisoner #2 in the ribs repeatedly, who is in extreme pain ] Prisoner #1: I had the right of that one. Allison Bittercake: Shut up! [ slams rod onto Prisoner #1’s head ] [ int. Study – day ] [ Pink, now dressed entirely in camos, wearing Top Gun style sunglasses, cigar sticking out of her mouth, polishing a large high-caliber rifle ] Pink: An uncaged beast, Allison commanded respect, but rarely found friendship. All her colleagues kept their distance except for one. [ sighting through the scope ] And that one scared her most of all. [ int. Torture Chamber – night ] [ Allison Bittercake is alone, cleaning the instruments of torture. Torturer #1 enters ] Torturer #1: Allison, I’ve seen the way you’ve hold that whip… You have a lot of power. [ stands against the wall ] Perhaps we could practice our Tormental Arts together… Allison Bittercake: [ looking down ] If there’s anything you need to know, just as— Torturer #1: That’s not what I mean Allison… [ Allison looks up, and they lock eyes ] Allison Bittercake: Davy, you are one sick, disgusting, perverted flagon of swinepiss. Torturer #1: Don’t you know it… [ Freeze picture on Allison pulling back to whip Torturer #1 ] Pink V/O: A week later Davy was hit by a stray arrow. Narrowly surviving, he ran off to join a monastery, leaving Allison alone to raise their daughter. Despite this, she still never gave up, never gave in. Every working woman everywhere, especially those in the field of the Tormental Arts, owes a bit of their livelihood to a courageous woman, a courageous mother, named Allison Bittercake. [ black out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
