[Scene begins with a father (Armisen) and mother (Berry) approaching a house at night. There is a paper pumpkin affixed to the front door, among other decor there in celebration of Halloween.]

Father: You think this is the right place?

Mother: He said it was the house with the gray door and a tow truck out front...

Father: Well good...because I’m about to give this guy a real piece of my mind!

[The father knocks on the door. After about two seconds, it is opened by a guy (Forte) wearing a vampire costume.]

Guy in House: Hello, trick-or-treaters! Oh goodness, it looks like you two kids are disguised as the Lusterman’s from down the street! I have to commend you on those costumes, they’re so realistic!

Father: Listen...we are the Lusterman’s, ok...and our boy just came home from trick-or-treating with this rusty old motor oil can in his bag. Do you know anything about this?

Guy in House: Well geez...I don’t know...I...

Mother: (interrupting in anger) Our son said he got it from you!

Guy in House: What? Are you absolutely sure about that?

Mother: Yes...he said it was your house...with the tow truck, and...

Guy in House: (interrupting and somewhat sarcastic) And the gray door, right?

Mother: Right...(gives a puzzled look to her husband)

Guy in House: Yeah...well, I’m as clueless as you people are in regards to the identity of the culprit who gave that rusty old motor oil can to your child. Let me ask you a question...does your son have a set of keys to your car or, perchance, know how to do oil changes?

Father: (giving a puzzled look to his wife) No...

Guy in House: Is he, or has he ever been referred to as a greasemonkey?

Father and Mother: No!

Guy in House: Oh I’m sorry...that term must be insulting to your son. I meant mechanic...

Father: Listen...he’s only eight! He’s not a mechanic!

Guy in House: Ok...my bad! So...does he regularly work at a mechanic’s shop or...repair cars in some capacity?

Father: No!

Guy in House: Well, given full consideration of the evidence, I think he might have received that rusty old motor oil can from me then.

Father: So you did give this to him? (holding up the can)

Guy in House: I’m not sure...let me check my master list...

Mother: Master list?

Guy in House: Yes...I keep a list of all the kids that come by here trick-or-treating. I write down their costume and what I give out to them.

Father: Why do you do that?

Guy in House: Oh...just one of those things I like to do! Every man needs a hobby, right? (a beat as the parents look on in astonishment and he reaches inside the house, coming out with a notebook in his hand) Let’s see here...was your child wearing a...superman costume?

Father: No...

Guy in House: How about a Rosie O’Donnell costume or...some sort of padded fat suit?

Father: What? No!

Guy in House: Ok ok....was he uh...dressed up as a bag of...rusty old motor oil cans?

Father: No! Let me see that! (snatches the notebook from the guy’s hands and briefly looks through it) Every kid on here got rusty old motor oil cans from you!

Guy in House: Yeah...I guess you’ve got me there! (chuckles) But listen man, this is my first Halloween here in America, ok? I’m sorry I’m not as keen on your American traditions...

Mother: But you’ve lived in this neighborhood longer than we have!

Guy in House: Listen, if my wife could bear children, I’d like to believe I’d teach them tolerance of others’ cultures...

Mother: Where is your wife, anyway?

Guy in House: Oh...she’s uh...probably out trick-or-treating or something...

[A woman (Dratch) walks up with a bag full of what appears to be rusty old motor oil cans.]

Woman: Where do you want these to go, dear?

Guy in House: (talking quietly to her) Put those out back...(now louder) for recycling...later...

Father: Listen...just stop giving out rusty old motor oil cans to children, ok...or we’re gonna report you to the police!

Guy in House: Hey...I’m sorry, ok? All I have is rusty old motor oil cans...and a couple bags full of...miniature Reese’s cups.

Mother: (with a very confused look on her face) Why don’t you just give out the Reese’s cups?

Guy in House: Well, God forbid your kid becomes a fat ass addicted to candy because of me!

Father: So you’d rather them eat motor oil cans?

Guy in House: (chuckles) No, not eat! They could play with them, and or build race cars out of them, or create some sort of communication device using a piece of rope...you know, like in the old country. Hey...maybe I should start giving out rope...I sure got plenty of that!

Father: Frankly, I don’t care what you do...just stop giving kids rusty old motor oil cans for Halloween!

Guy in House: Ok...sorry guys...I’ll try harder next year to acquaint myself with your traditions.

Father: (frustrated) Whatever...let’s go honey.

[A beat as the parents walk away. A couple seconds later, a few costumed kids walk up.]

Kids (altogether): Trick-or-treat!

Guy in House: Oh hey kids! Boy, have I got a treat for you! (reaches inside the house and comes out with three pieces of rope, each of which are fashioned into nooses) Here ya go!

[As he passes a noose to each child, the screen fades to black.]