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Greg.....Seth Meyers Andre.....Finesse Mitchell Customer #1.....Chris Parnell Customer #2.....Darrell Hammond Customer #3.....Maya Rudolph (ext. Daylight shot of a Home Depot, customers walking in and out. Dissolve to the interior of the store, where an employee (Greg) stands behind the counter, running a machine to make house keys for a customer. He takes the completed keys out of the processor and gives them to the man.) Greg: Okay, Mr. Johansen, here you go. Four new house keys. And, just in case you might happen to lose any, we will keep a spare copy here should the need arise. Customer #1: Wow, that's quite nice of you. And Lord knows it would be very helpful for me and the missus. We'll lose anything if our eyes go off of it for more than two seconds. (Chuckles lightly. Greg joins in with fake laughter.) Greg: Ha ha, yes, good one. Now, I just need to ask you a few questions for verification if you ever need this spare. (He pulls out a pad and pen.) First, where exactly do you live? Customer #1: I live at 314 Birch Avenue. Greg: (writing it down) Uh huh, good. Now, what hours are you and your family out of the house? Customer #1: Well, I'm gone from 7:00 until 4:00, the wife's out between 9:00 and 3:00, that's when she picks up the kids. Greg: (still writing). Great. Uh, where exactly do you keep your valuables? Customer #1: Hmm, let me think. We keep the jewelry box under the bed, the wall safe is hidden behind the family portrait in the dining room... Greg: (still writing) Perfect. That will be all. Have a nice day, Mr. Johansen. (The customer leaves. Greg puts the sheet of paper and the spare key into his pocket, a huge grin on his face. Andre, another employee, joins him behind the counter.) Andre: Did you get him? Greg: (laughing) Yeah, it's just so easy to get these fools. Looks like the Johansens are gonna be paying for my new Corolla. Andre: Go for it buddy. Oh, here comes another one, I got him. (Greg goes off as the second customer comes up to the counter, carrying a can of paint.) May I help you, sir? (The man sets the paint can down.) Customer #2: Yeah, I'm doing my guest room over, and I need to give the walls a coat of turquoise. Andre: Ah, a good color choice. (He rings it up.) You know, this will produce some very nasty fumes, I'd recommend staying out of the house for a day or two after you're done, you know, to let it properly ventilate. Customer #2: Well, I guess I could stay with my sister, I don't think she'd mind. Andre: Of course she wouldn't mind, you're family! Now, if you want it to ventilate very quickly, I'd recommend leaving the windows open while you're gone, ALL the windows. Leave them open VERY WIDE. Customer #2: (thinking it over) Does seem like a pretty good idea. I'll do it. Andre: Great. Where do you live, anyway? And when do you plan to get started? Customer #2: I'm at 7500 Walnut Street, you know, the really big house. And I have one of those new fillable rollers, so I should have the whole room done over by tomorrow. I could call my sister tonight and schedule the arrangement for the next day. Andre: Wonderful to hear. Have a good day, sir. (The customer heads off. Andre pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles down the address.) Andre, you are too good. (Greg comes back behind the counter. He slaps him a high-five.) Greg: Man, that was superb. I can't believe these fools never catch on. Andre: See Greg, you have to remember that WE have the intelligence, and WE put it to proper use, so that despite our low-ranking positions in the American economic job market, we shall be able to achieve greatness. Greg: Amen to that, bro. (Gets a happy look on his face.) Ooh, sexy-so-most-probably-stupid babe coming in at 11:00. Let's do this girl together. (The female customer comes up and puts a lighting fixture on the counter. Greg and Andre have huge grins on their faces.) Can we help you, madame? Customer #3: I just need to buy this porch light. The old one gave out, so I have to replace it. God, I wish I didn't have to, though. I just hate reattaching the wiring. Andre: Oh, I agree, that is a painful chore. Now, there's something you should know. When installing new lighting fixtures, there is a chance of an electrical overload in your house. (cues Greg to come in) Greg: Yes, it happens oh so many times, the fuses give out, and the whole house is dark. It's really upsetting. We'd recommend that, after you hook it up, you keep some of your "unnecessary" electrical equipment off for a few hours. Preferably overnight. You know, your TV, microwave... home security system if you have one. Andre: He's right, having your security system on after installing a new electrical device can prove devastating. Turn it off. Customer #3: Well, it seems a little unorthodox, but I don't want to risk a power failure. Greg: Of course you don't. Now, we'd also like to suggest that you wear some earplugs while you sleep tonight, because when the new wiring settles itself, it just produces some very noisy sparks. Andre: Mm-hm, you need some very good plugs to block out the noise of a low electrical hum, some irritating sparks, or, say, the sound of breaking glass after someone takes a crowbar to your window. Customer #3: Oh, well I'm a pretty light sleeper, so I don't want any of that waking me up. Greg: Who does? Now, where exactly do you live, in case we want to see your beautiful new porch light. (He and Andre pull out their papers and pens, and prepare to recieve the information from their latest quarry) (fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
