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Doctor.....Will Forte Nurse.....Halle Berry (Open to a basement storage room with cement flooring and walls. A few cabinets decorate the background and the left wall is covered by a long white curtain. Next to the curtain is a TV with a chair sitting in front of it.) Nurse: How long do we have to stay down here? Doctor: Relax, Friends is a rerun. Besides, we have to make sure it's safe. Nurse: Safe? The orderly was only kidding about Wedgie Wednesdays, you know. Doctor: I know! - He was? Anyway, the world up there doesn't exist anymore. Nurse: What do you mean, it doesn't exist? Doctor: (Stepping forward into a reverie like state) I mean, that in the time between changing 442's bed pan and how long it took us to get down here, in basement 4 Room 33 G-A, the world has been destroyed. It's due to a new fast food taco taste test gone wrong. I warned them the secret sauce was actually a radio active fluid which would in fact create killer tomatoes. Alas, the industry didn't listen to me and were attacked. Now it's just you and me. Nurse: (Tentatively, as if dealing with an unstable patient) Were you the guy stealing the patients' meds? Doctor: (Suddenly on the edge) Uh, not recently. I stopped doing that, about, um, a month ago. It was that Donald Heiner, guy. I saw him. (Normalizing) But don't worry about him or meds, I have everything we need. I've been creating a collection ever since I became a surgeon, I always knew at some point at some time I would be desperate and in need. Be it, Tomatoes, Gremlins, spiders, Smurfs, somehow this world was fast departing, but I wasn't going with it. Nurse: But why me? Of all the people to save from killer tomatoes, why me? Doctor: (Cheesy love music ensues) I should think it'd be obvious. I've loved you since I met you; laid eyes upon you - went to bed thinking dirty thoughts about you. Nurse: Gross! (Cheesy love music abruptly stops) Doctor: Look, seeing as it's just the two of us I see no point in needless formality. Nurse: I see no point in what I guarantee will be unsuccessful advances. Doctor>: What about procreation? We are the only two people left on the planet. Nurse: (Dismissing his statement) Ugh. Look, if we're going to be down here for a while let's make a deal, you don't get to have sex with me and I don't have to have sex with you. Doctor: What do I get out this deal? Nurse: You get to show me where the supplies are. Doctor: (Excited) Right here! (He throws open the curtain on the left wall of the room triumphantly, revealing endless aisles of various supplies) Nurse: Where did you get all this? Doctor: It was uh - donated by patients. Nurse: You've been stealing from them? Doctor: No, you see, ever since I became a surgeon I have been "storing" items of necessity for safe keeping. (They begin walking down the corridor) I stashed this stuff in people during surgery and they sued the hospital and when it was kept for evidence I "recovered" it before the hospital threw it away. Nurse: (Holding up a bodily fluid soaked towel and grimacing) Why didn't you just take supplies from the storage closet? There are plenty of extras. Doctor: (Appalled) That would be stealing! Plus, the human body is an excellent space for safe keeping. Nurse: (Holding up some unrecognizable item) I am not eating that. Doctor: Of course not, it's a sponge. You know ... you use it to clean things, absorb spills. I mean, you didn't think things clean themselves down here do you? Nurse: This is ridiculous, I can't stay here. Doctor: You can't go up there! You'll die! The tomatoes have devoured everything except cancer. Nurse: You can't devour cancer. Doctor: Which is why they haven't. Nurse: Cancer isn't a germ or a virus it's - Doctor: (Leaning in and speaking seductively) Less talk, more - (Suddenly at a loss for words) non-talking - Nurse: Living with you would drive me crazy! I'll take my chances with the tomatoes. (Turning to leave) Doctor: NO! This was my only hope! You always told me you'd have sex with me if I was the last man on earth! Nurse: I didn't think you'd ever actually be the last man on earth. Doctor: Well - (Excited) looks like you thought wrong! Nurse: (Appearing nauseous) I am still not having sex with you. Doctor: (Dreamily) But we could lie here, tonight under the cold cement ceiling conceiving our love child. We could even name it after our place of love making, Basement 4 Room 33 G-A. Nurse: (Flatly) No. (Walking towards the door) Doctor: What if I said I cured cancer! (Ensuing after her) We'd be famous! Nurse: There's nobody left alive to care. (Opening the door) They've all been mauled to death by killer tomatoes. Doctor: Aren't you worried about the killer tomatoes? Nurse: Frankly, I don't believe they even exist. (Exits) Doctor: (Appearing grief stricken as she leaves) Alas, the love of my life! At the mercy of merciless killer tomatoes! (Screams can be heard from outside the door) Oh well, you win some lose some. Good thing I remembered the porn. (Sits in the chair next to the curtain and inserts a DVD.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
