|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Doug.....Will Forte Mr. Kelly.....Finesse Mitchell Mrs. Kelly.....Halle Berry [ open on Will Forte as Doug, dressed in a pirate outfit including a patch over his eye, fake pegleg and a three-corner hat. He's ringing an old-fashioned schoolbell in the air. ] Doug: Come one, come all, to Doug's Ye Olde-Fashioned Scare House! It's scarier than the deep bowels of Hell itself! If you don't walk out of my scare house frightened for your life, I'll double your refund! That's how cocky I am about my ride! [ a trio of children exit the scare house with tears streaming furiously down their face ] Look at that! Three more satisfied customers! You think you've been scared before, well Doug's Ye Olde-Fashioned Scare House will redefine the art of psychological torture! Step right up! [ a pair of angry parents walk up to Doug ] Mr. Kelly: Hey, are you the guy in charge of this house? Doug: Yes, sir! I'm Doug, the owner, designer and proud creator of Doug's Ye Olde-Fashioned Scare House! You look a little older and probably don't scare as easy.. but step inside anyway, I'm sure my Scare House will give you a goosebump or two just the same. Mrs. Kelly: Our two kids were in your Scare House an hour ago, and they haven't stopped crying since! Doug: [ beaming with pride ] You don't know how happy I am to hear that. [ sniffing ] I think it's my turn to cry now.. Mr. Kelly: [ angry ] You gonna be crying blood when I'm through you, you dirty sonofabitch! My kids told me what you did to them inside your Scare House! Doug: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What's this about what I did to your kids inside my Scare House?! I've got surveillance cameras out here that can prove I haven't stepped one foot past the Scare House porch all evening! Mrs. Kelly: We're talking about your methods for scaring poor, innocent children, by showing them inappropriate things and sending them running scared into the street with tears in their eye! Doug: Maybe you don't understand what this attraction is all about. Let's take a look at me sign, and I'll break it down for ya: "Doug's Ye Olde-Fashioned Scare House." First, you got "Doug's" - that's me. Then you got "Ye Olde-Fashioned"; alright, that doesn't really mean much of anything, I just though it would make the attraction sound more old-timey. Then it says "Scare" - because I'm gonna give you a scare. A fright! A chill up and down your spine! [ a beat ] Then, there's "House".. because, you know, it all takes place in a house. Any questions? Mr. Kelly: Yeah, what are you using to scare the kids? Because my kid said you were showing videos of planes crashing into buildings! Doug: [ sighs ] You make it sound so.. ordinary. It's more than just videos of "planes crashing into buildings". It happens to be footage of terrorists suicide-bombing the World Trade Center from September 11th. Yuo trying to tell me that's not scary?! Because when I saw that footage on TV that day, I screamed like a little girl and peed in my pants! And then I got it on tape, because I thought it might come in handy one day. Mr. Kelly: [ outraged ] Come in handy for making kids cry?! Mrs. Kelly: You got a screw loose, mister, you know that! Doug: Look, you party-poopers.. I've seen that footage hundreds of times, and I still twitch every time I see those people jumping to their deaths instead of enduring the flames and carnage. Maybe you're too tough to get scared, but I'm not operating my Scare House for adults! Mrs. Kelly: We were expecting our kids to be scared by traditional Halloween frights, like blood-sucking vampires and hairy werewolves. Doug: [ sarcastic ] Oh yeah, that's scary 'cause it's so real. Mr. Kelly: We don't want real! We want our kids to be entertained by fantasy and make-believe! Doug: Sir, I am not in the business to entertain! My job is simple: to scare the kids! If that means showing videos of the Twin Towers collapsing, fire ants eating a dead hobo, or Nazis gassing Jews - so be it! Mrs. Kelly: [ outraged ] You're showing videos of Nazis gassing Jews?! Doug: [ in his defense ] And fire ants eating a dead hobo! It's the kind of thing that would scare a kid off of fire ants - or dead hobos. Mr. Kelly: That's it, mister! We're reporting you to the Better Business Bureau, so you'll never scare again! Doug: [ hangs his head in shame ] You're right.. [ lifts his head ] But maybe this will scare you instead! [ raises a dagger above his head and thrusts it down to repeatedly stab Mr. Kelly Psycho-style ] [ Mrs. Kelly screams as Mr. Kelly falls to the ground ] Mrs. Kelly: You killed my husband!! Doug: Oh, he's alright.. he's just in a bit of shock over that make-believe you two were raving about. See? [ lifts the dagger to reveal bloody red spots ] Now, wait a minute.. [ touches the sharp edge of the dagger ] Oh, my.. [ pulls second dagger from pocket ] I meant to stab him with the rubber joke dagger. See? [ pretend-stabs his own chest with the rubber dagger, making corney slasher sound effects ] Now, ma'am, I know this a tragedy and all that.. but do you suppose I could keep your husband's body for use in my Live Death room? The corpse of the last guy this happened to is starting smell pretty ripe, and.. [ Mrs. Kelly quickly runs from the scene ] Doug: [ calling out ] Well, wait, I was gonna pay you! [ Doug shrugs his shoulders and drags Mr. Kelly's body into the Scare House. Three seconds later, a second group of kids come running out the entrance in tears ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
