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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell .....Britney Spears .....Halle Berry Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon:I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. On Friday, the New York Post mistakenly printed an editorial which grumbled about the Yankees’ loss in Game 7. Said the editorial, “The Yankees haven’t been trounced like that since Dewey was president.” Showtime announced this week that they are in the process of putting together a film about former New York Times writer Jayson Blair. Blair was fired from the New York Times after it was revealed that he was submitting false and plagiarized stories. We here at Weekend Update would like to say this story is absolutely true. Or is it? It was reported that actress Emma Thompson would be joining the cast of the next “Harry Potter” film. Hearing this, movie critics commented, “Oh, great! The next Harry Potter film is going to be even more boring than the last!” In an interview, this week, Ben Affleck didn’t refer to Jennifer Lopez as his fiancée. Affleck, instead, referred to Lopez as “that chick with the big can I’ve been seeing!” On Sunday, a car bomb went off just outside a Baghdad hotel, which killed 6 and injured 35. Other information includes, the hotel was a 1 star, and it has a crappy mini-bar, to go along with a crappier lounge band. A study this week recommends that babies get flu vaccine shots at an earlier age, instead of when they become toddlers. Hey, you know what – I’ll remember that the next time I’m a baby! NBC executives are questioning themselves as “Friends” continues to drop in the ratings. Gee, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that they really aren’t friends! It was reported this week that Texas Governor Rick Perry would appear in an upcoming film that stars Tommy Lee Jones. Hey, Governor Perry, you’re supposed to appear in films before going into office, not the other way around! This week, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” debuted at a Singapore film theatre for the first time in the country's history. Asked to comment on the debut, one of the film's stars, Tim Curry, said, “I haven’t looked that gay since yesterday!” A new study shows that excessive pot smoking may lower a male’s fertility. And it is for that reason and that reason only no one has ever heard of the sons of Cheech & Chong. Ads touting new enhanced money have saturated the airwaves of cable television. When reached for comment, one network head stated they have yet to receive any compensation for running the ads. Apparently, money has yet to pay up. Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was Ian Fleming’s inspiration for James Bond, died this past week at the age of 90 when the slow-moving platform he had been strapped to since 1988 finally entered the shark tank. Over 100 British McDonald’s have opened their kitchens to tours in hopes of boosting public opinion. Major attractions on the tour include the French Fry station and the Big Mac preparation area where customers are encouraged to spit on their own burgers. Barbiconi, the official Vatican tailor shop, is currently inundated with orders for formal cardinal wear after Pope John Paul II surprisingly named over thirty new cardinals. Said the Pope, “I like to keep people on edge around here. I can be a pretty wild guy sometimes.” FDA advisors have recently stated that they support the return of currently banned silicon breast implants to the market. Also supporting silicon breast implants: trashy lingerie. A Catholic cardinal, who believes condom use is like playing Russian roulette, wants to place mandatory health warnings on condom packets. The warnings will read: “Choking Hazard – Keep away from small children.” And now here with an announcement is the President of the United States, George W. Bush! (Enter George W. Bush) George W. Bush: Thank you…good to be here, Jimmy, Tina. Thank you. Tina Fey: Mr. President, apparently you have an announcement for us? George W. Bush: That’s right, Tina. Now, all my advisors have been talking to me saying I gotta change my image for ’04. And that is just what my announcement is about. America, get ready for so changes! Okay, first off…I will be dropping the heart attack case Cheney as VP. My new running mate will be…get ready for it…Sponge Bob Square Pants! Another change, I have dropped Laura as my wife, I have since picked up a younger, better-looking woman to take her place. Jimmy Fallon: Who is your new wife? George W. Bush: Come out honey! (Enter Britney Spears) Jimmy, Tina, meet my new wife, Miss Britney Spears! Britney Spears: Hey y'all! Tina Fey: Mr. President, I hate to pry, but how do your daughters feel about this…you married a woman who is just one week younger then them? George W. Bush: Tina, that’s neither here, nor there. Baby, I gotta ask you, are you still a virgin? Britney Spears: Not after what we did in limo coming here! Jimmy Fallon: Mr. President, how did the two of you hook up? Britney Spears: I sang with him on his recent country/rap album. George W. Bush: Yeah, fact I’d like to sing that song with my wife here on Update, right now if I could? Jimmy Fallon: Go for it! George W. Bush: My fellow Americans, this is a song for you and me and everyone else…for the love and for the hate! (Music Track begins – “A Lover’s Twist”) Britney Spears: (singing) Don’t go wakin’ me up in the morning, let me lay in our former bed, Just leave, let me be, someday I’ll think of an alternative end. George W. Bush: (singing) Don’t go wakin’ me up in the morning, let your love walk out the door, Just leave, let me be, someday I’ll think about us something more. (Music Track fades out; Music Track jumps back in with hip-hop) (Enter Halle Berry) George W. Bush: (rapping) Yo, cuz it don’t matter, I get this other bitch on my side, in my bed, and she is a-willin’ to give head. Britney Spears: (rapping) I wish you was died, I’d like to think about you and me, but you see, this can’t be…I love you baby, but, but, but…I got a gat in my back and I’m gonna use it if I may. George W. Bush: (rapping) Baby, please calm down, it don't need to end this way. Gimme the gun and we can sit down and we can talk about this, You and me, my Chocolate baby makes 3. Baby, please don’t be mad, I just love, and I love, you see this was a foreign policy. This was me, 1 country of 3 that wanted a nation that was a division of 3. I unite and divide my power for love and war and a threesome is all this could be, So let’s go under the cover, and be lovers, you and me and my chocolate baby makes it 3. (Britney and Bush step back and make out; Halle Berry steps up in the spotlight) Halle Berry: (singing) This was a lover’s twist, it wasn’t just a kiss or miss, it was a twist, a lover’s twist of 1 and 2 and me made it 3. That’s all that is was. It was a lover’s twist. (Britney, Halle and Bush come together to do a triple kiss) Jimmy Fallon: Mr. & Mrs. President Bush and the President’s Chocolate Baby, everybody! Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
