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Announcer....Don Pardo Bill Bennett....Chris Parnell Arnold Schwarzenegger....Darrell Hammond Steve Bartman....Fred Armisen Ali Wentworth....Britney Spears Rush Limbaugh....Jeff Richards [Open on a garish game show set with a Jeopardy-style wall of screens and three contestant mic-stands. Pot up on wacky theme music.] Don Pardo [v/o]: Have you spent years building your credibility, only to ruin it when a big secret leaked out? Or maybe you minded your own business, never bothered anyone -- until the day you screwed the pooch and it was caught on camera? Hey there, don't be sad, just say [audience joins in] "Woops, My Bad!" [close-up on show host] Don Pardo [v/o]: And here's our host, disgraced ethics guru Bill Bennett! Bill Bennett [annoyed] Mr. Pardo, I told you to drop the "disgraced" part a month ago. We're having a talk after taping, got it? [brightening] And welcome to Woops, My Bad! Before we introduce this week's contestants, let's welcome back last week's big champion, Arnold Schwarzenegger! [Arnold enters amid huge cheers with a bikini-clad bombshell tucked under each arm.] Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hallo Bill! It's just like I told you: I'll be bock! And let me introduce my campaign workers, Skankanya and Judy! [The girls smile for Bennett, then Arnold whacks their fannies for them to move along. They scurry off.] Bill Bennett: [scowling] Arnold! You can't manhandle women like that on TV! Arnold Schwarzenegger [bashful, only not] Woops, my baaad! [Both men laugh, followed by the audience.] Bill Bennett: To recap, last week Arnold did extremely well. He faced a front-page L.A. Times expose quoting a longer list of pissed-off women than at Kobe Bryant's trial, but he hung in there! Don Pardo, remind everyone what Arnold won. Don Pardo [v/o]: Millions in free publicity, sympathy from people who thought of the story as dirty politics -- and no lasting damage at the polls! Arnold Schwarzenegger: Imagine my surprise! I didn't even think a game show could offer such rewards, but there you are. [winks at Bennett and shakes his hand] Bill Bennett: Well congratulations, Arnold. Or should I say, Herr Cali-fuhrer? I have a hunch we'll be seeing you again, sooner than you'd think! [Arnold exits] And now let's welcome our new contestants. Don Pardo [v/o]: He's the ball-deflecting bonehead destined to go down in Chicago Cubs infamy: Steve Bartman! [The audience boos him, and he almost changes his mind and runs away, but eventually he turns and takes the left mic-stand.] She's a failed sketch comedienne turned talk show host: Ali Wentworth! [Ali walks to the center stand] And finally, he's a broadcast legend from Cape Giradeau, Missouri: Rush Limbaugh! [Rush walks to the right mic-stand] Bill Bennett: [to Steve] Hooo boy, I've done some stupid things in my day - not least of which, hosting this game show without demanding executive producer credits up front. But this one... [The screens show, over and over again, Bartman reach out for a foul ball Moises Alou was counting on in Game 6.] Steve Bartman: Um, right. As I've said before, I'm really sorry from the bottom of my broken Cubs fan heart. Bill Bennett: Well that would be fine if the show was called "I'm really sorry," but IT ISN'T! You're playing from the doghouse, sonny boy, and there ain't much you can do to improve things. Steve Bartman [timidly] Woops, my bad? [Nobody laughs. Somebody whips a taped-up paper wad at Bartman, which he bobbles a moment but eventually catches.] Bill Bennett: Oh sure, THAT one you catch. Wednesday night, you couldn't even hang onto your ill-gotten souvenir. Steve Bartman: [louder] Woops, my bad! Bill Bennett: Give it up, son. Not only did you send the Cubs into an eighth-inning tailspin... not only have you taken a 95-year curse and reinforced it like super-glue... but I had a month's residuals riding on that game! You cost me a fortune!! Steve Bartman: Sorry, Mr. Bennett. [crowd finally feels sorry for him... awwww.] [A bell goes DING!] Bill Bennett: [perking up] Hey, wouldja look at that! You turned the crowd around, kid! You don't win any money or prizes, but you are officially Off The Hook! Though if I were you, I'd take that three-month stay in Florida and really consider it. [Steve smiles and waves gratefully to the crowd.] Bill Bennett: [to Rush] Hi Rush. You look a little nervous, anything we can do to help? Rush Limbaugh: [pulls out a glass-tube encased cigar] Do you mind if I spark this up? Bill Bennett: Ooooh, smells tasty. Cuban? Rush Limbaugh: A nicely aged Macanudo. [thinking he's in the clear, he opens the tube and puts the cigar to his lips.] Bill Bennett: [scolding] Mister, that tobacco product is illegal under the Cuban Embargo Act of 1961! Possession of such contraband can lead to fines and 30 days in jail! [Rush almost spits the cigar out. Then there's a glint of understanding in his eye.] Rush Limbaugh: Woops... my bad? [Game-show bells ring for him: ding!] Bill Bennett: Good answer! Sorry about that whole "contraband" thing, Rush. It's true what they say: once a drug czar, always a drug czar. Rush Limbaugh: [perking up] Really! 'Cause I can never meet too many "drug czars," and MAN have I been having the biggest headache. Ali Wentworth: [sporting a tacky pinky jacket and big prosthetic "bags under the eyes"] Well maybe I can help you out, lemme look in my purse. [Rush grabs it away.] Rush Limbaugh: You've got some greenies, huh lady? GIMME some greens! [rifling through the purse's contents] Let's see... No-Doz... Vivarin... industrial-strength Mydol, that's no help... crystal meth... a syringe of adrenaline... framed picture of George Snuffalaffagus... Ali Wentworth: [swiping it back] That's Stefanopoulos, my beloved husband who's only like the most brilliantest guy ever. Excuse you, mister Grabby Hands! Arnold Schwarzenegger: [from offstage] Someone call me? Ali Wentworth: No Arnold, I meant Rush. And excuse me very much if I carry around a few pick-me-ups. [A buzzer goes off, startling her.] Bill Bennett: Ah ha, sorry Ali but that little excuse is gonna cost you a My Bad. Ali Wentworth: But I didn't say, Woops, My Bad. Bill Bennett: That's right, you offered a mealy-mouthed excuse. And the show isn't called "Mealy Mouths," it's Woops My Bad! Which Rush Limbaugh is our new winner. Ali Wentworth: What the... You didn't even ask any questions! Bill Bennett: I don't need to, as long as I've got sound judgment. And you can ask around, if there's anything that makes a world-class hypocrite worthwhile as an ethics guru, it's being judgmental! [to audience]: Well folks, that's all the time we have this week for Woops, My Bad! Now go out and behave! Or if you don't, come on the show and we'll work something out! [pot up theme music and display Woops, My Bad logo. Then fade out.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
