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Spider-Man...Seth Meyers Professor X...Chris Parnell Storm...Halle Berry Wolverine...Jeff Richards Cyclops...Fred Armisen Beast...Will Forte (in a costume, so his face is unrecognizable) The Blob...Horatio Sanz (Spider-Man and the X-Men are gathered in a room in the X-Men's Mansion) Spider-Man: Wow, I can't thank you guys enough for helping me beat the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus. Professor X: You're welcome, Spider-Man. Spider-Man: This is a nice place you guys have here. How can you afford it? Professor X: Well, Spider-Man, I'm a telepath. I can read minds and alter them if need be. Let's just say that our realtor thinks that this is a small orphanage that he can use as a tax write-off. Spider-Man: That's pretty impressive. Hey, wait a second. Does that mean you know my secret identity? Professor X: Yes. Your name is Peter Parker, you live in Forest Hills with your aunt, and right now you're picturing Storm naked holding a whip. Spider-Man: GEEZ! I try to keep a secret identity and you just blow it to all these people! (whips off his mask) I guess I don't need this anymore! Storm: Forgive the professor, Spider-Man. Anyway, we did not have time for formal introductions during the battle. Let me introduce you to the team. This is Wolverine. Spider-Man: Hey, Wolverine. What are your powers? Storm: I'll show you. (Storm quickly picks up a gun and fires it at Wolverine's head, causing him to fall to the ground) Spider-Man: AUGHH! Why did you just do that?! You killed him! Professor X: She did no such thing. Wolverine has a healing factor that enables him to recuperate from any injury. He'll be up and running in a few minutes. Spider-Man: That's crazy! (pauses) Okay, I guess if I can fight a guy called The Spot, I can handle this...So, Storm, you can control the weather, right? Storm: Yes. Observe. (snow begins to fall in the room) Spider-Man: Wow, that's pretty impressive, but where is the snow coming from? We're indoors. Storm: (pauses and thinks for a second) I'm not sure. I've never thought of that before. Wolverine: (getting off the ground) Hey, I'm back. Cyclops: Great. (Cyclops picks up a knife and slices off Wolverine's left hand) Spider-Man: AHHH! Wolverine: I thought I asked you to stop doing that! The left hand is my DOMINANT hand! If you're going to slice off something, slice off the RIGHT hand! Idiot! (passes out) Cyclops: Sorry. Storm: You've just met Cyclops. He has to wear that visor to control his devastating optic blasts. Spider-Man: That's fascinating! Cyclops: (eagerly) You really think so? Spider-Man: Yeah. I can honestly say that you're the biggest one-eyed monster I've ever seen. (laughs) Storm: (clears throat) Moving on...this the Blob. He used to be evil but now works with us. Go ahead and punch him in his gigantic stomach. Spider-Man: Are you sure? The Blob: Go ahead, dude. I can take it. Spider-Man: Well, okay... (punches the Blob in his stomach) The Blob: OW! THAT HURT! Spider-Man: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! The Blob: OW! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER!...I'm just kidding. (The X-Men laugh) Spider-Man: That is NOT funny! It's SO not funny! Wolverine: (gets up) Okay, I'm back. Spider-Man, in addition to my healing factor, I also have adamantium claws that can slice through anything. Watch this. (brings his hands to his neck and then pops his claws) Spider-Man: AHHHH! He just gutted himself in the neck! Professor X: Spider-Man, please keep up. He'll be fine in a second. Anyway, this here is Beast. He's our chief medical officer. Spider-Man: Blue fur, huh? Do you always feel sad? Beast: (in a sarcastic tone of voice) That's a good one. I've never heard that before. (pauses) If we might take on a more serious note, what are your powers, Spider-Man? Spider-Man: Well, I can stick to walls and I have super-strength. I can also fire webs from these web-shooters that I invented, and I have a spider-sense that alerts me to any incoming danger coming my way. Beast: Really? Fascinating! Let's try that spider-sense out. (presses a button next to him that releases a projectile from the ceiling) Spider-Man: Huh? (the projectile collides with Spider-Man, knocking him to the ground) Cyclops: Weren't you supposed to dodge that? Spider-Man: (getting up) I didn't know it was coming! My spider-sense is gone! Professor X: My fault. I went into your mind and turned it off when you mentioned it. I wanted to see if I could do it. Spider-Man: That's not cool, man! Turn it back on! Professor X: Very well. (closes his eyes and concentrates intently for a few seconds) That's interesting. It seems I can't turn it back on. Spider-Man: What?! Great! That's just great! My best power is gone! Professor X: I'm terribly sorry. Wolverine: (gets up) I'm okay now. What's going on? Beast: Not much. (picks up a syringe labeled DEVASTATING PLAGUE and injects Wolverine with it) Spider-Man: AHHHHHH! That's it! I'm getting out of here! I'm going to tell the world about how crazy you people are! (jumps out of the window) Storm: Should we stop him, Professor? Professor X: There's no need, Storm. Let's just say that Spider-Man now thinks he's a ballerina named Tonto. (The X-Men laugh as we fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
