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Joe.....Darrell Hammond Andy.....Will Forte Karen.....Kelly Ripa Carmen.....Rachel Dratch Blind Date.....Jimmy Fallon Shock Jock.....Chris Parnell Overacting Female.....Maya Rudolph Overacting Male.....Seth Meyers Horse Guy.....Kenan Thompson Horse Woman.....Tina Fey [Start with Ext. shot of bar with sign that reads 'McGuire's Pub' with a big X over the word 'Pub'. Int. Scene: A bar circa 1932. Everyone is in period costume. Similar set up to the Bernie Mac 'No Smoking' skit. Scene begins, from left to right, Karen, Joe, Andy, Carmen sitting at the bar. Carmen mostly plays a passive observer, just sitting smoking a cigarette. McGuire, the bartender is never seen. There is a sign on the wall that reads 'Every Wednesday is 1880's Night!'] Joe: (Irish accent) So I says to the guy. I might love potatoes but at least I don't shove them down the front of me pants! Karen: (giggling) Oh Joe, you're too much. (sighs) I am so glad my lunch date didn't show up. My friend has been bugging me for months to meet this guy. I made it a lunch date that way I could get away, you know. Anyways, I've simply had the best time talking to you. I guess things have a way of working out. Joe: Oh well...I have to say you've brightened up my day considerably...say if you're not doing anything later... [door opens. Enter Blind Date] Blind Date: Hey! Is there some chick named Karen here? Karen: Hubba hubba. (standing up) Right here! Joe: Uh... Karen: Sorry Jim, nice meeting you... (rushing over to Blind Date) You must be Douglas. Blind Date: Yeah, yeah. We gotta hurry. Let's go make out in the back of my Dad's model A for awhile before I have to get back to work. Karen: (moving towards the door) You have a motorcar! Blind Date: Of course. (grabbing her butt each time) A-roo-ga. A-roo-ga. [The two laugh and exit.] Andy: If it helps any, she was totally out of your league. Joe: Aye, she was young and beautiful and I'm like an old ugly watch nobody wants. (looking at his own watch) Aye, an old ugly watch that's missing a crucial part, one that counts the minutes that go by but that's always stuck at 1. Andy: Could you not talk like that...cause you're making my beer taste bad. Joe: I'm sorry friend. I'm just a little down. Might I suggest however, that the cigarette butts in your beer is what's making it taste bad. Andy: (shakes head while removing 2 cigarette butts from his beer with his fingers) How the hell did those get in there. The politicians make it unlawful to drink but I tell ya, the real crime is what prohibition has done to the quality of my beer! (takes a drink and looks satisfied. Notices paper on counter and grabs newspaper) Look, here try reading the paper. Maybe that will cheer you up. Joe: (taking newpaper) It's worth a try. Let's see here...oh looks like it's an entire edition dedicated to The Really Bad Depression. Stories to soak your soul in catharsis... Andy: (grabs the newspaper away from Joe and throws it down) Give me that... Joe: Really Bad Depression. Pff, they should be calling it the Horribly Awful Depression. Those rich newspaper types don't realize how bad it is. Heck, as time goes on...people will forget all about the suffering we had to go through. Sixty years from now they'll be calling it the Great Depression! Woo hoo. It was the worst of times it was the best of times! Andy: Perhaps, but by the same token tomorrow you yourself might be singing a happier tune? (toasts) To father time then. Joe: Naye, I'm afraid t'wont be that easy. There be no treatment for what ails me be it medicines or even time itself. I've got a hole in my soul and every second that flows through me only makes it grow colder and bigger. I'm just worried that if I don't fill it soon, there won't be nothing left of me. Andy: (choking back tears) You damn fool...as if McGuire doesn't water down the beer enough...you have to go and make me cry in it. Joe: I'm sorry friend. I'm just a little down. Where is McGuire anyways? Andy: He's gone to the crapper and he won't be back until he's crapped the last of it. And by the size of the breakfast I seen him eat...it'll be a while to be sure. Joe: Aye, a loaf of bread and a big thick steak are a lot faster going in than coming out. Especially when you're dealing with a Scotsman. [Joe and Andy share a laugh. Joe then gets a sad look on his face and sighs heavily and looks like he's about to cry.] Andy: (excited) I know, how about a little bit of radio. Surely some entertainment will cheer you up. [Radio is turned on] Shock Jock: (irate manner) What is the deal with this 'New Deal'? Roosevelt wants to change things? What a concept! I don't know Delano, I think America is starting to get used to record unemployment and all the dust. Pff new deal, the guys another Newton! And can you believe this Hoover is still at it! A chicken in every pot? I still won't have a pot to pee in, you jerk! Do you want me to pee on a chicken Herbie? Do you derive some sort of perverse pleasure in having millions of poor people peeing on poultry? You sicko! (calm manner) Anyways, we have Diane in our studios today...so Diane, how about we see some knee...(female giggle). Andy: (turning radio dial) I hate that guy...let's see what else we have. Overacting Female: (through radio) Oh Charles...I love you! Overacting Male: (through radio) Oh Megan I love you! Overacting Female: (through radio) I do believe I will love you forever! Overacting Male: (through radio) Oh Megan, and I you! Overacting Female: (through radio) Forever? Overacting Male: (through radio) Or even longer, if there is a longer than forever. Overacting Female: (through radio) OH Charles! Overacting Male: (through radio) OH Megan! [Joe picks up radio and walks to bar entrance and opens door.] Andy: What are you doing? Joe: I have to do something life affirming and the only thing I can think of is putting this trashbox out onto the street to get smashed to smithereens. [Walks out of scene then returns and watches from doorway. We suddenly hear the clip clop clip clop of a horse. We hear the sounds of a horse rearing back and the clip clops stop.] Horse Guy: I say Marsha...is that a small dog lying in the street? Horse Woman: No, Reginald...it looks like a radio by my eye. Horse Guy: Oh yes, I see now. Oh Marsha you are so wonderfully brilliant. It's no wonder I love you. Horse Woman: OH Reginald! Horse Guy: OH Marsha! [rolling his eyes Joe closes door and looks angry.] Joe: This just isn't my day. Andy: Sit down and finish your pint, maybe that will help. Joe: (looking at watch.) Look at the time, it's ten to one, I best be off or I'll be late for work. Andy: Cheer up Joe, you'll find her one day. Joe: Thank you my friend. I'll see you at 5. Carmen: Hey you know...she might be right under your nose. [Joe makes a pensive face and then leaves.] Andy: Ahh finally we are alone. Now, you've turned me down twice today but perhaps the third time's the charm. [Andy closes his eyes and makes a kissy face towards Carmen. Carmen looks disgusted and throws her cigarette into his beer. Joe enters and Andy opens his eyes upon hearing him.] Joe: Say...Carmen. If you're gonna be eating dinner tonight...I wonder...if ye might want to eat with me. I know a place... Carmen: (rushing over to Joe.) I'd love to! How about I walk you to work? Joe: I'd love that...oh Carmen. Carmen: Oh Joe! Joe: Oh Carmen! Carmen: Oh Joe! Andy: Oh get out of here already! [Carmen leaves and Joe and Andy share a smile.] Andy: Ah well done. And so their fairy tale is complete. The hero rescues the fair maiden from the ugly troll. (holds up mug) Well done. (pause) It be a mystery to me though, why this troll happens to have the heart of a hero deep inside him. And with it...the desire to be some fair princess's knight...and dreams of melting away into some kind of sweet forever love. (frustrated) Ug, if I ever find the hero to whom it belongs I'll gladly give it back, for there are few things more painful than a heart that bleeds heroic inside a body too faulted to fufill it's desire. Oh well...(looking at beer) I'll always have you, my golden skinned goddess. Let's you and I become one and forget the rest of this hard world. And unlike a woman of mortal frame...you'll never turn sour on me. (drinks but suddenly spits out beer) BLAH! (notices a cigarette butt in his glass and reaches in to remove it) Dammit McGuire, are you brewing this in a bathtub or an ashtray! [mute sound and overlay 'Cigarettes and Alcohol' as he once again grabs his beer and drinks.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
