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Captain Joe Anderson.....Finesse Mitchel Janice C. Muni.....Kelly Ripa Sergeant Sergeant McCallister.....Jimmy Fallon Sergeant Johannson.....Seth Meyers Sergeant Sergeant O'Maley.....Maya Rudolph Hostage.....Will Forte Bad guy.....Darrell Hammond [Scene: The inside of a small shack. Hostage lies motionless on floor. Enter Captain Joe Anderson, Janice C. Muni, Sergeant McCallister, Sergeant Johannson, Sergeant O'Maley. Captain Joe Anderson, Janice C. Muni, Sergeant McCallister, Sergeant Johannson, and Sergeant O'Maley are all dressed in military fatigues.] Captain Joe Anderson: (kneels down and listens to chest. Stands up. To Janice C. Muni) You killed the hostage! Janice C. Muni: Look, I said I was sorry, like, twice already. Seriously, how was I supposed to know he was a hostage? Captain Joe Anderson: Because I said: "All clear. Enemy neutralized, let's proceed to extract the hostage." Janice C. Muni: I totally did not hear you say that. Captain Joe Anderson: And you didn't happen to notice the hostage in the doorway and screaming, "Yes, yes. I can't believe you found me!" at the top of his lungs? Janice C. Muni: No...I didn't notice that. Captain Joe Anderson: How could you not have noticed him? [Janice C. Muni shrugs. Sergeant Johannson lifts his hand as though he wants to be called upon. Captain Joe Anderson nods at him giving him the okay to talk.] Sergeant Johannson: It's because she was filing her nails, sir. She was filing her nails until she noticed us about to move forward and that's when she lifted her head and saw the hostage. At that point she lifted her rifle and screamed "Bad guy!" She then looked at her watch for a moment, turned her attention once again to the hostage and continued by saying "At 4:35." She then shot the hostage...while he was doing baby circles...I'd say right in the heart. Captain Joe Anderson: Yeah, she's a crack shot...filing your nails during a mission? C'mon woman! Janice C. Muni: Ohhh, I get it. It's because I'm a woman. If it had been Sergeant McCallister who shot the hostage you'd be like, "Great shot, stud. Wanna get a beer after we bury this sorry loser?" But no, I'll be court-martialed...not because I fired this gun but because (grabbing chest) of these guns! Captain Anderson: That's quite enough, soldier. I'll not have you accuse me of discrimination. Sergeant O'Maley happens to be a woman and I've got nothing but praise and respect for her. Sergeant O'Maley: Thank you sir. Captain Anderson: Thank me later Sergeant. (winks) (shaking his head) I just don't understand how you got assigned to this duty... [Janice C. Muni shrugs. Sergeant McCallister lifts his hand up as though he wants to be called upon. Captain Joe Anderson nods at him giving him the okay to talk.] Sergeant McCallister: Rumor has it she's slept with several high ranking officials sir. Janice C. Muni: That's a lie! You can't sleep your way onto the Navy Seals and you know it. You're just jealous. Captain Joe Anderson: Navy Seals? We're Special Operations Ground Force Delta! We're army not navy! Janice C. Muni: Well...I had asked General Schwarz to get me onto Navy Seals...but I couldn't swim so we figured this would be better. Navy Seals would have been suh-weet though. [Everyone except Captain Joe Anderson is nodding their heads.] Captain Joe Anderson: (to crew that are nodding) Stop that! (to Janice C. Muni) You could be filing your nails anywhere, why do it in an Army Special Operations unit! Janice C. Muni: Well...to be honest. I really want to be an actress. Imagine you're a director and you see all these resumes with waitress or maid or secretary and then suddenly you see one that says "Navy Seals sniper". C'mon, who would you hire? Captain Joe Anderson: First off...again, we're Special Operations Ground Force Delta not the overrated freakin' freakin' freakin' Navy freakin' Seals. Second off, this isn't acting school. These are real weapons. This is a real hostage you just killed, with a real family who will be really upset to find out you killed him instead of saving him. Hostage: (sitting up) Actually, I'm okay. Captain Joe Anderson: What the hell? Hostage: Heh. Yeah, well I was gonna say something earlier but you guys seemed like you needed to work through some issues so I thought I'd keep quiet. I tell ya, it was like trying to jump into a game of double dutch. Captain Joe Anderson: (kneeling down) Are you alright? There's a bullet hole in your shirt... (examining him. perplexed) No blood? Hostage: Bullet proof vest. I always wear it. Yeah...the kidnappers let me keep it on which I thought was pretty nice of them. They were like, "That's fine keep it on, we can always shoot you in the head if we have to." Maybe it's the Stockholm syndrome talking but I don't think they were such bad eggs after all. Captain Joe Anderson: Alright...well. Let's move then. We need to get out of here. Janice C. Muni: I'm not going to ask for an apology...but...if anybody wants to give me one I'll be willing to accept it. Captain Joe Anderson: Let's just go. Janice C. Muni: I forgive you! (hugs the Captain and kisses him on the cheek) Let's never fight again. (crosses pinkies with the Captain) Pinky swear! Captain Joe Anderson: (almost losing it) Let's go now, shall we. [Everyone moves towards the door.] Janice C. Muni: (to hostage) You think you're pretty fly with that bullet proof vest don't you? [Hostage grins sheepishly. Janice C. Muni shoots hostage in the chest and the hostage goes flying back and falls.] Captain Joe Anderson: (taking the gun from Janice C. Muni) Give me that! What have you done? Are you insane!! Janice C. Muni: What...he's got a bullet proof vest! He's fine! I was just goofing around...geez. Captain Joe Anderson: At 50 feet the vest might stop an AK-47 but it's not gonna stop a bullet fired at point blank range! Hostage: (sitting up) Actually it did. Heh. I'm fine. A little sore... (rubs chest. points and wiggles finger at Janice C. Muni) You little vixen. Janice C. Muni: (smiles at hostage. Grabbing gun from Captain Joe Anderson) Wrong again...(sarcastically) Captain. Captain Joe Anderson: Alright...let's just get back to the chopper. [The group makes their way to the door.] Janice C. Muni: Which will be easy to find. [Captain Joe Anderson stops abruptly and others follow suit.] Captain Joe Anderson: What...exactly do you mean by that. The chopper will be easy to find...because all we have to do is back track to where it's waiting... Janice C. Muni: Well...that's part of it. Captain Joe Anderson: I see...and the other part of it would be... Janice C. Muni: Well...I don't know if the rest of you thought of this...and don't feel bad if you didn't, I just have a knack for noticing things...anyways I noticed that our chopper is green...and since we were going to be landing in the jungle...I said to myself, "A green chopper is gonna be totally camoflauged in the jungle. What's up with that?" Heh. So I... Captain Joe Anderson: You see...that's the idea. It's supposed to be camoflauged... Janice C. Muni: Oh well I thought it'd be kinda hard to find though maybe. How embarassing would that be. "Hey anybody remember where we parked?" Don't you just hate that? Heh! Captain Joe Anderson: Now when I got in the chopper...it wasn't painted neon pink or anything so...what exactly did you do? Janice C. Muni: Right, so when you were screaming "Go, go, go!" and everyone left the chopper I stayed behind and covered the chopper with reflective tape. I wanted it to be a surprise. [A huge explosion is heard outside.] Captain Joe Anderson: I wonder what that was. [Janice C. Muni shrugs. Sergeant O'Maley raises her hand as though she wants to be called upon. Captain Joe Anderson nods for her to talk.] Sergeant O'Maley: Thanks to Gilligan Barbie over there...I believe that was our helicopter sir. Janice C. Muni: (to Sergeant O'Maley) Meeeow. [Bad Guy enters with a 4 or 5 henchmen and they disarm the group of soldiers. Cut to Ext. shot of a prison-type building but shabby. Super: "45 days later". Int. Old School Prison Cell. Looks like it's a giant cave with a door. Captain Joe Anderson, Sergeant O'Maley, Sergeant McCallister, Sergeant Johannson seem beaten and worn while Janice C. Muni and Hostage are playing that string game with a shoelace wrapped around Hostage's fingers. Bad Guy enters and stands in doorway with a list in his hand.] Bad Guy: Alright...a firing squad has just opened up...let's see...Santiago, Rodriguez, Domingo, Lopez. Come with me. [Janice C. Muni jumps to her feet.] Janice C. Muni: (snotty) Excuse me...but I think we were here first. Captain Joe Anderson: That's it...I'm going to save the firing squad some work... Sergeant McCallister: No sir don't...let me do it. [Captain Joe Anderson, Sergeant McCallister, Sergeant Johannson and Sergeant O'Maley chase Janice C. Muni around. Janice C. Muni uses Santiago, Rodriguez, Domingo and Lopez as shields. Mute sound and overlay music. Hostage looks on yelling angrily for them to stop chasing her with a shoelace still interlacing his fingers.] [Fade out.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
