[Scene begins with still-frame of a beautiful university building. Uplifting orchestral music plays in the background.]

Graduate Student V/O: As I look back on my undergraduate years, I realize they were filled with life-changing events and mind-expanding discoveries. For me, it was a period of intensive learning, both in the academic and social realms. I determined what career paths I would take, and cut ties with my parents’ way of life as I developed thoughts and ideas of my own.

Nevertheless, my most memorable experiences involved escapades of debauchery and merriment, including nights of round-the-clock binge drinking, sexual experimentation with multiple partners, and visits to the student health center for numerous blood and urine tests.

However, as a graduate student, these once enjoyable occurrences seemed moot, and my fondest recollections during this time period derived from friendships with the great researchers and experts of the field in which I chose to study.

[Cut to still-frame of the student laughing with other professor types at an upscale party.]

Graduate Student V/O: For me, it was psychology that stoked my interests, and during the time in which I sought the highly prestigious doctoral degree, the most rewarding companionship I kept was with a figure who held high rank among his contemporaries in our great discipline. This man’s name...was Dr. Brian Rourke.

[Cut to a still-frame of Dr. Brian Rourke (Richards) and the student (Parnell) with their arms around each other in loving embrace. Rourke is dressed up to look older and has a ruddy face with an elongated chin and a monocle hanging from his right eye.]

Graduate Student V/O: What follows is one of many stories that characterized this man’s eminent demeanor, which in turn will indicate the wisdom I took from him over the years.

[The music stops. Cut to scene in Dr. Rourke’s office, which is adorned with intricately designed oak furniture and scores of certificates, which are hung about the walls. Dr. Rourke is located behind his desk in an expensive leather chair and the graduate student is seated in front of the desk on a meager wicker stool of some sort, which is nearly shaking under his weight.]

Dr. Brian Rourke: (speaking in a rumbling, rough-hewn manner) I want ya to go to class and tell those worms I’m not up to teaching today. I’m driving a John Deere in the tractor pull tonight, so I can’t be worrying with book learnin’ and all that crap this afternoon. I gotta be ready to get muddy!

Graduate Student: Ok, Dr. Rourke...but what am I to do about...

Dr. Rourke: (interrupting) And be sure and tell ‘em that they are indeed worms!!! (slamming his fist on the desk)

Graduate Student: Yes, Dr. Rourke...but as a mere teaching assistant, I don’t know if I can...

Dr. Rourke: (interrupting) I want you to talk about schizophrenia, ok...but I want ‘em to know what those freaks are really like. I want ya to have ‘em take somethin’...(reaches into a box on his desk and pulls out a handful of large pills) These are equine tranquilizers. (he then rares back and throws them at the student, who cowers in response) They’re used to sedate horses that are out of line, but in the human central nervous system, they work like amphetamines. Dammit, I want ‘em comin’ outta class hearin’ voices tellin’ ‘em to kill their mothers!

Graduate Student: But Dr. Rourke, I’m hesitant to do such a thing with undergraduates...

Dr. Rourke: DON’T EVER HESITATE!!!

[Dr. Rourke grabs his desk lamp and smacks the grad student across the face. He falls off the stool and lays knocked out on the floor. Cut to the earlier shown still-frame of the beautiful college building, as the music begins to play once again.]

Graduate Student V/O: Although I still have the scar from where Dr. Rourke bashed me with his desk lamp, I was taught a valuable lesson that wonderful day in his office. I learned that hesitation can potentially lead to faulty decisions, which may be accompanied by highly aversive consequences. Oh, what an instructor he was!

[Cut to scene with Dr. Rourke sitting in a chair in front of where the graduate student lays. The music stops playing.]

Graduate Student V/O: After I came to a day later, I found myself lying prostrate on Dr. Rourke’s cold office floor. I remember being terribly hungry and feeling an incredible pain in my ass that would not subside for days.

Graduate Student: (startled awake) Oh god! Dr. Rourke, what happened?

Dr. Rourke: I don’t know kid...you must have passed out or something...or I may have hit you, I don’t know. I was drunk and involved in a few fights at the lodge last night, so my memory’s a little hazy. (stands up from his chair)

Graduate Student: Well, whatever happened sir, I’m sure it was for the best...

[A beat as the student stands up and brushes himself off.]

Dr. Rourke: Son, I wanna tell you somethin’...did you know that I once published the same research article in both The Journal of Psychology and Pain and MAD Magazine?

Graduate Student: No uh...but I’m sure it was wonderful, doctor....

Dr. Rourke: (cutting him off) Hey...you wanna publish a study with me? It’ll get your name in print, and you can boost your resume by...

Graduate Student: (interrupting giddily) Sure, Dr. Rourke...I’d love to!

Dr. Rourke: But wait son, it’ll be tough to do. It’ll require long hours and a lotta diligence...

Graduate Student: Oh no, Dr. Rourke! I’m positive I can handle it. I have no doubt about wanting to publish with you!

Dr. Rourke: You sure you don’t wanna think about it or anything?

Graduate Student: Not at all! I mean, I remember what you said yesterday, and...

Dr. Rourke: (interrupting) THAT’S IT!!! (Rourke kicks the student in the shins as hard as he can, sending him to the ground once again) HAVEN’T I TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING??? YOU DON’T JUST ACCEPT IT...CONSIDER IT FIRST, BE SMART!!!

Graduate Student: But Dr. Rourke, I thought you told me never to hesitate...

Dr. Rourke: Respect your elders, boy...(delivers one last kick to the student’s face, which knocks him out once again)

[The music begins playing again, as the still-frame of the building appears once more.]

Graduate Student V/O: Well, I would learn another crucial lesson from Dr. Rourke that day. I found that hesitation is sometimes good, and not always bad, as I thought Dr. Rourke had certainly made clear the day before. In essence, one must know when to wait and deliberate before deciding upon what measures are to be taken in a given situation. On the other hand, one must also possess the ability to act quickly when the time calls for it.

[Cut to scene in Rourke’s office with the student laying face-up and Dr. Rourke hunched over him eating a pastry. The music stops playing.]

Graduate Student V/O: When I woke up a day later, I once again had a voracious appetite and a stinging pain in my ass. In essence, everything seemed normal.

Dr. Rourke: You ok?

Graduate Student: Yes, Dr. Rourke...but I still feel a little woozy...

Dr. Rourke: Well son, I had to teach you a lesson. It’s my responsibility to ensure that you get a well-rounded education while you’re here.

Graduate Student: Yes, I know...but why do you always have to kick me and punch me?

Dr. Rourke: What did you say?

Graduate Student: (fearful) Oh nothing sir, nothing...

Dr. Rourke: I WILL HAVE NO INSIGNIFICANT PEON QUESTIONING MY METHODS! (pulls his fist back as if he is going to punch the student)

Graduate Student: (with his hands covering his face) Ok, ok...I’m sorry Dr. Rourke, I’m sorry! I won’t doubt you again!

Dr. Rourke: (pulls his fist back more to make him flinch) ARE YA SURE???

Graduate Student: Yes, Dr. Rourke...I am sure. I will never...

Dr. Rourke: (cutting him off) SAY I’M YOUR PAPA!

Graduate Student: What?

Dr. Rourke: SAY IT!

Graduate Student: Oh, oh...You’re my papa...you’re my papa! Oh god...

Dr. Rourke: Uh...that’s right! I am God! SAY IT AGAIN, PISSANT!

Graduate Student: Yes, you are my papa sir...

Dr. Rourke: (pulling his fist back further) TELL ME I’M GOD YOU LITTLE PUKE OR I’LL GIVE YOU A BLACK EYE AND A BLOODBATH!

Graduate Student: I mean you’re God...you’re God! Please don’t hit me!

Dr. Rourke: (lowers his fist) Well, ok...I won’t hit you.

Graduate Student: Oh thank you for not hitting me, Dr. Rourke! You are truly the best teacher I’ve ever had!

Dr. Rourke: I tell ya son, you may turn out alright after all...

Graduate Student: Only with your help and patience, Dr. Rourke.

Dr. Rourke: Yeah...right. (a beat) Hey, you still wanna publish with me?

Graduate Student: (unsure of what to say) Well...I’d have to think about it sir, but I really believe I will decide that I want to, but I might outta have more time to think about it...

Dr. Rourke: Dammit! I can’t tolerate your feeble-minded indecision!

Graduate Student: But Dr. Rourke, I’m not sure what you want me to say...but I do know that I want to publish with you...I think...

Dr. Rourke: Well, you’d have a better chance of getting a blow job at my chiropractor’s house. (walks over him and out of the room)

Graduate Student: No please, Dr. Rourke...wait!!!

[Cut back to still-frame of building and the music begins playing.]

Graduate Student V/O: To this day, I don’t know what Dr. Rourke meant by that. Some nights I am haunted by those words...on other nights, I am oddly aroused by them. Nonetheless, I do love him so for saying them, and I wish he was still around to say them again. Thank you, Dr. Rourke...I mean, God.

[SUPER: To be continued...]