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Danielle, the waiter.....Kelly Ripa Regina Finklestein.....Rachel Dratch Carl Finklestein.....Fred Armisen (Open to a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Finklestein (Dratch and Armisen) sitting in a corner booth in the back of a restaurant.) Regina: Honey, this place is beautiful. Carl: Plus they're world renowned for their service. Regina: It has been amazing. Make sure you double all of the tax, and don't round down this time. Carl: Oh, I will. (The waiter, Danielle, (Ripa) enters and sets their meals which are on a serving tray, next to the table. She pulls up a chair and sits at the table.) Regina: This looks delicious. Carl: (Dismissive) Thank you, Danielle, we won't be needing anything else just yet. Danielle: Actually, this is a part of our full service, which we are world renowned for. (She sets down empty plates in front of Regina and Carl and puts the entrees in front of herself) our policy is to not make our guests eat or drink anything we would not eat or drink ourselves. Carl: That's thoughtful, but .. It's not like you could eat my dinner for me. Danielle: (Dead pan) Of course I'm not going to eat it; that would be silly. (Cuts a small piece of Carl's dinner chews it for a second and spits it out on the plate in front of Carl) I must say, this is an especially good plate of sushi. Carl: (Shocked) Well, uh, thank you? I can eat the rest myself now. (Reaching for the plate) Danielle: (Pushing away his hand) I'm afraid I can't let you do that, what if the rest of your Salmon was not to this level of excellence. I could never let you suffer that. Carl: I'm sure you could. (She ignores Carl and turns to Regina's plate takes a piece, chews and spits it out for her. Regina, unfazed, eats it.) Carl: Regina! Regina: When in France do as the French do. Carl: We're in Ohio. Regina: Just go with it. (Danielle continues switching between plates, taking bites of their food and spitting it out. Regina graciously eats hers while Carl stares at his food in disgust.) Carl: I can't eat this! Regina: Honey, I'm sure it's delicious. Let me try it. (Danielle spits some of Carl's food on her plate and she eats it) This is amazing, honey, you really need to try it. Do you want some of mine? (Danielle chews a bit of Regina's food and holds her mouth open over Carl's plate waiting for an answer.) Carl: Ugh, no! God, that's gross. Regina: Look, you don't need be rude, this is a very nice restaurant and you're acting like a ten-year old. Carl: I'm 30 years old, and I'm being fed like a baby. Regina: I like it; it forces the restaurant to stand behind their quality of food and services: words without actions are void. Carl: But food chewed by me and food chewed by a waiter is still the same food. Regina: My business is so important to these people they'll cut it for me, chew it for me, and spit it on my plate for me. Plus, there's something about waiter spit that gives the flavor an extra kick. Danielle: It's my medication. I suffer from a rare throat disease that makes me rather phlegmy. I always make sure to take a bottle of Dayquil before serving dinner. Regina: Carl, please try it. Carl: I don't wanna. Regina: Try it! Carl: (Reluctantly goes to take a bite) I can't do it. It smells. Regina: It's raw fish! (Danielle begins choking on the salmon sushi) Regina: Quick! Somebody help! (Regina jumps up and starts hitting Danielle on the back, gives her the Heimlich maneuver, and Danielle spits the food across the table) Danielle: (Gasping as she recovers) If it's not on the floor it's still eatable. Don't waste it, it's good sushi. Regina: No, it's not, that salmon is not safe. What if that was Carl? I'd have lost my one true love forever. Danielle: I just inhaled while in the process of transferring it to his plate. It's a common mistake, although a sometimes fatal one. Carl: That's it! (Standing up) I've had enough, this is ridiculous and we are leaving! Regina: I haven't finished eating. Danielle: And we have an excellent dessert menu. Tonight we're serving mud pie. Carl: Do you pre-eat that too? Danielle: Of course not. Carl: Thank God.. (Starting to sit down again) Danielle: Pre-eating implies that I swallow your food, wait for it to pass through me and then serve it. Only Matilda's does that and they use laxatives to ensure fast service! Which is the why all the entrees are a bit on the nutty side. Here, we safety check the food. It's different. Regina: See, it's different. Carl: No, that's just a matter of holes. Regina: Don't be disgusting. (Danielle returns to safety checking the food) Carl: Well, you go ahead .. “safety checking” food, I am out of here, and I'm NEVER coming back! Regina: If you're going to make a scene and embarrass me like this, then I don't want you here! Carl: Fine! Regina: FINE! You never like anything I try to do for you! (Danielle begins choking again, slightly flailing to get their attention.) Carl: You're right, I don't! I hate everything you do. I hate everything about you. The way you pick your nose with the Kleenex! Regina: Blowing can kill brain cells! Carl: How you blow spit bubbles in bed! (Danielle begins flailing more extravagantly gasping for air, throwing things to get their attention) Regina: I have allergies! And it's not like you're perfect, that ear hair? I could braid it! (Danielle collapses onto the table with a loud gasp and final thud which ceases Carl and Regina's argument as they realize Danielle has died.) Regina: (Gently poking her in the arm) Danielle? Carl: Let's get out of here! Regina: I'll grab the jelly packets. Carl: I'll get the coats. Regina: Don't forget to tip! (Carl tosses some money on the table and they rush out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
