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Ed Gein.....Horatio Sanz Jackson Johnson.....Andy Roddick Officer 1.....Finesse Mitchell Officer 2.....Seth Meyers (Open to Jackson (Roddick) walking down a dark alley, wearing winter clothing to meet Ed (Sanz), who is leaning casually against the wall of a building.) Jackson: Did you bring it? Ed: Your fake ID? I got it right here. Jackson: Can I see it? I gotta know it's good right? I can't get in to the 18 and over clubs without my ID. Ed: (Laughing as he hands him the ID) What? You don't trust me? You don't think I could make you a good ID? That hurts, it hurts me real deep. Jackson: Whatever. (Looks at the ID carefully) Uh, is this name right? Ed: Of course, I don't make mistakes. My names are believable, average Joe names. Jackson: Oliver Klausov? Ed: Yeah, it's Russian. What, you got something against the Russians? Hey, last I heard the cold world was over buddy. The Russians are cool, VODKA! Jackson: It's not that, Russians are cool; it's the name. I think there's something wrong with it. I mean, say it out loud: (speaking slowly) Ol-iv-er Klaus-ov? - It sounds like - Ed: A Russian name? Jackson: "All of her clothes off" - Ed: What are you talking about? The Russians are people too, you pervert! Jackson: Look, that name's just not going to work. Ed: Okay, maybe you need something just a little more low key. I've got just the ID, right here. (Hands Jackson another ID) Jackson: (Looking over the ID) Uh - how do you pronounce this last name? Ed: (Takes ID, looks at it) Ja-blough-me, probably Ja-blow-me roughly; something like that. Jackson: So - my name would be Heywood Jabloughme? Ed: (giggling) No. Jackson: That's not my name? Ed: Look, maybe you need more a noticeable name, how about - (flipping through a deck of fake IDs he pulls out of his breast pocket) Macaulay Culkin. Jackson: That's a guy's real name! Ed: There is at least two of every name, everybody knows that. Every weirdo has a normal counterpart, no questions asked. You think there's only one Michael Jackson? Jackson: Why can't you use my real name and just change my birthday? Ed: Where's the fun? The danger? If you're going to live on the edge, live on the edge. Don't tip your toe into the pool, get scared and run away to pee in the kiddy pool. Jackson: Ew. Ed: Everybody has peed in the pool! And if someone's doing it, I don't want them to be out in left field on their own. I'm right there with them. See, that's why I got into this business. I like helping people. Jackson: You realize that doesn't make sense, right? Ed: I understand your problems, and I know what works from experience. By comparing my name and the reaction people have towards it I know which names will make a successful fake ID. Oliver, Heywood, Macaulay, those are golden! Unusual is the norm my friend. My name works, even though it's unusual. You think Ed Gein is a common name? Jackson: It could be. Ed: Not since that killer in 1957; the one that skinned people and wore their body parts. Jackson: Why didn't you change your name? Ed: I told you; every sensational name needs a counterpoint. I balance the phone book, man. Jackson: Well, I'm not looking for an alternate identity - just a way to buy porn. Ed: Fair enough, what about Daniel? Jackson: Daniel's good. Ed: Daniel Smith. Jackson: (Thinks for a second.) I like it. What's the catch? Ed: No catch, just Daniel Smith. Jackson: Enough, here's your fifty bucks. (Hands him the money.) (Upon the exchange of funds two police officers run onto the scene, Officer 2 (Meyers) grabbing Jackson and officer 1 (Mitchell) grabbing Ed, handcuffing them.) Officer 1: You have the right to remain silent! Officer 2: Anything you say can and will be used against you! Jackson: What's going on? Officer 1: Did you exchange money for the use of the name Daniel Smith? Jackson: Yes - Officer 2: That name is copyrighted under the law. Any profit made off that name is in direct violation of the law. Jackson: I didn't profit, I just gave him money. Officer 1: (To Ed) State your name sir. Ed: Ed Gein. Officer 2: Like the murderer? Ed: Yeah, 1957. Officer 1: Whatever, let's finish this and bring these guys in, Heywood. Officer 2: Sure thing Macaulay. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
