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Mrs. Hoth.....Rachel Dratch Chris.....Kenan Thompson Debbie.....Amy Poehler Salt Lady.....Maya Rudolph Butter Guy.....Fred Armisen Straw Guy.....Andy Roddick [Scene: Refreshement stand at a small time movie theater. Debbie and Chris work behind the counter. Debbie is finishing up with a customer.] Debbie: And here's your popcorn. Enjoy the show. [Exit Customer.] Chris: Oh la di da, enjoy the show. Nice Debbie. Debbie: Shuttup. Like you do any better. Chris: (to Debbie) And here is your popcorn. I hope it enhances your cinematic viewing experience...(bowing) enjoy. Debbie: (rolling eyes) Alright Screech... [Enter Mrs. Hoth] Mrs. Hoth: Hey. Hey you kids. I don't remember giving you the day off! The popcorn isn't going to make itself you know! [a beat. Popcorn machine begins filling with popcorn.] Mrs. Hoth: Well...there are always counters to clean, now get busy! [enter Straw Guy] Straw Guy: Um, excuse me... Mrs. Hoth: Well, hello there sir. How can I help you? Straw Guy: I was just wondering if I could get an extra straw? Mrs. Hoth: Heh heh. Yes, it would be wonderful if straws fell like manna from the skies, wouldn't it. However we have a very strict one straw per drink policy. Notice the sign. Straw Guy: Yeah but the thing is...my straw fell on the floor...it was the weirdest thing. Mrs. Hoth: Alright well...tell you what. Give me the straw and I'll wash it for you. It's the least I can do. Straw Guy: Uh, well actually I was going to pick it up and throw it away but the damn thing was stuck to the floor pretty good so I left it. Mrs. Hoth: Mmm hmm. Looks like you're either gonna have to buy another beverage or remove the lid and drink your soda like a man. Consider it a lesson learned. (putting her hand on his shoulder) Next time I'm sure you'll hold onto that straw. Straw Guy: Look, I've seen theaters where they give you the freedom to get your own straws...as many as you like. I don't get why you're hoarding the straws... Mrs. Hoth: Tell me, why do you come to my theater if the other theaters are so wonderful? Straw Guy: Well...the movies...cost $2.00 less here. Mrs. Hoth: Ahhh I see. (holding up sign) And why do you suppose that is? Listen Braveheart, if it's freedom you want, Scotland's thataway...otherwise the reasonably priced movie is thataway. Suit yourself. Straw Guy: C'mon...my teeth are sensitive to cold and the drink is full of ice...give me a break here. Mrs. Hoth: Awww poor baby. Does the icey wicey make your teethy weethy hurt? (picking up iced cubes) What about your stomach? (begins pelting Straw Guy with ice cubes) Is that sensitive to ice too? What about your face? And your butt? Straw Guy: Stop it! Stop that, that hurts dammit! I'm gonna go back to my seat but I just want you to know that you have totally ruined my cinematic viewing experience. As a theater owner...that should bother you. [Mrs. Hoth whips one last ice cube at Straw Guy as he quickly exits.] Mrs. Hoth: Ahhh...sweet schadenfreude. (picking up baseball bat and flashlight from under the counter) Alright kids, I'm gonna go do some ushering. You guys handle things up front. Chris: Sure thing Mrs. H.! Debbie: We got it covered. [Mrs. Hoth walks through the theater doors.] Mrs. Hoth (v/o): (yelling) I told you before...get them Adidases out of the aisle! (a beat) Too slow. [baseball bat hitting guy sound effects play. Theater door opens and Butter Guy pauses in doorway and looks back into theater.] Mrs. Hoth (v/o): That goes for you too, Nike! [More baseball bat sound effects play. Butter Guy slowly closes door and shakes his head.] Chris: Hey Debbie...isn't that Mr. O'Reiley? The guy who's directing the school play? Debbie: Omigosh it is him. I heard they're thinking of casting either me or Susan Matheson as the lead...I'm so nervous. Chris: Don't worry, I'll handle this one. Hello, how... [Debbie pushes Chris out of the way.] Debbie: Hi, what can I get for you? Butter Guy: Hi, I'll just have a large popcorn please. Debbie: Why certainly sir. (gets popcorn) Tell me more, tell me more, would you like some butter substitute? Butter Guy: Uhh...oh I get it, 'Tell me more, tell me more' is from the school play...I remember you from last week's tryouts. I was really impressed. I was even thinking about recommending you for the lead. Debbie: Omigosh...that would be so great. I mean...you know, whatever. Did you say you wanted butter substitute or...? Butter Guy: For sure. I love that stuff. Debbie: Heh of course, who doesn't. Would you like extra. I can give you extra? Butter Guy: That'd be great. [Debbie pumps one extra pump of butter subsitute and an alarm goes off. Mrs. Hoth appears at the theater doors.] Mrs. Hoth: Stop the presses, there's a hole in the hot butter tub! Debbie: (softly) Sorry about that Mrs. Hoth...I gave him some extra butter subsitute. Mrs. Hoth: (turning off the alarm) EXTRA BUTTER SUBSTITUTE! You know the rules, if you want extra butter substitute you need to buy an extra popcorn...you're only holding one popcorn! (pretending to be a robot) Error, error does not compute. Debbie: (softer) Please Mrs. Hoth...that's the director of my school play. He might give me the lead...I just wanted to get on his good side, you know... Mrs. Hoth: Oh I get it. Buttering up your teacher eh? (Mrs. Hoth laughs for an inordinate amount of time. Takes popcorn from Debbie.) Don't worry, I know how to handle these things. (to butter guy) Now we don't usually do this...but for you...extra butter substitute and only one popcorn. Butter Guy: Great...thanks. Mrs. Hoth: And I'm only gonna charge you an extra fifty cents. Butter Guy: Fifty cents? Mrs. Hoth: Ya heard me correctly. I know it goes against (picking up 'extra "butter" = extra popcorn sign) everything the sign says...but I like you. Butter Guy: Well, actually if I knew it was gonna be fifty cents more I wouldn't have asked for it. Your girl never mentioned it'd cost extra... Debbie: Look I'm really sorry... Mrs. Hoth: (holding up her hand) Listen Mr. Spielberg. You either pay for your popcorn and enjoy the film or else make like ET and go home... Butter Guy: (pays and takes popcorn. Angrily) This is ridiculous. (to Debbie)What was your name again? Debbie: (a beat) Susan Matheson. [Butter Guy nods angrily and leaves.] Mrs. Hoth: Ahh, what am I going to do with you two? I leave you alone for a minute and you're giving away the store. (rubbing their heads) I'm just gonna chock it up to youthful inexperience. I was dumb and ignorant like you two once. You're a lot luckier than me though. You have me to learn from. Someday you'll have a business of your own and say...'If it wasn't for Mrs. Hoth...I wouldn't be the successful, well-adjusted person I am today. (notices customer) Watch and learn. Hello, how can I help you? Salt Lady: Hi, I just wanted a little extra salt please. Mrs. Hoth: (picking up sign) If you want extra salt you'll have to buy an extra popcorn. Salt Lady: Umm..all I want is like a couple of shakes of salt. Mrs. Hoth: (smiles and picks up bat) If you're looking for free salt Gandhi, the ocean's thataway. Salt Lady: But... Mrs. Hoth: (slaps bat into hand) I suggest you start walking. NEXT! [Fade out.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
