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Eddie "Boomer" Washington.....Finesse Mitchell Vinnie D.....Alec Baldwin Danny.....Jeff Richards Don Ramon.....Fred Armisen Referee.....Seth Meyers [ int. Boxing Ring – Night ] [ Eddie “Boomer” Washington, a prize-fighter, enters robed along with his Vinnie D, his flashy manager/trainer. Crowd roars. Eddie climbs into ring, takes off robe, and sits on stool ] Vinnie D: [ slapping Eddie on the back ] Alright, Boomer, time to get in there and punch him around like you don’t even wanna know. You’re the wrecking ball and he’s like, you know, a wooden fence or something. Eddie: You mean I gotta fight him? Vinnie D: This won’t be no fight. Just a regular, Grade-A beat down. Eddie: I don’t wanna hurt nobody. Vinnie D: Eddie, I don’t even wanna know what you’re talking about. You’re a boxer, you fight people, that’s what you do. Now get in there and smash his pasty ass. Eddie: I dunno Vinnie, I mean, boxers can’t hit below the belt. And I’m not gonna fight him. Vinnie D: Now listen here, Boomer. You gonna fight him and you gonna like it. I don’t even wanna know I spent months training Black Gandhi. You punch like no one I’ve even ever seen. Eddie: But Vinnie, those were just sandbags, not another person. Listen, I’m gonna go over there and see what he thinks of this fighting nonsense. [ Eddie crosses over to other side of the ring, where Danny, still robed, is practicing punches ] Eddie: Hey, I’m Eddie. [ Danny pauses his workout to shake hands with Eddie, which doesn’t work well since they’re both wearing boxing gloves ] Danny: Danny. Eddie: Nice to meet you, Danny. Now, my man, Vinnie D over there, says we gotta fight. I don’t wanna fight you so I was just wondering if you wanted to fight me. Danny: [ outraged at the suggestion ] No! Of course not! I could never fight another human being. Eddie: That’s what I thought. Vinnie is some sort of psycho or something. [ walks back over to his corner ] Vinnie D: I don’t even wanna know what you two were talking ‘bout over there, but are you ready to send him home in a stretcher? Eddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who said anything about fighting? He thinks you’re just as nuts as I do. Vinnie D: You’re boxers, you fight, that’s what you do. Look, here comes Don Ramon, he’ll tell ya. [ Don Ramon, a self-assured mob boss enters, carrying a small megaphone in his let hand. Pair of bodyguards follow ] Don Ramon: [ half-mumbling ] Vinnie D, how are you? Vinnie D: Doin’ good, Don. Boomer, my boxer here, he’s not doin’ so well. He doesn’t want to fight, and he’s a boxer. Don Ramon: [ half-mumbling ] I thought you had something to tell me, Vinnie D: Yeah, I got this boxer here and he’s goin’ lovey-dovey on me. I dunno what to do. I just can’t get ‘im to fight. Don Ramon: [ half-mumbling ] Why would you want him to fight? Eddie: Listen, I dun wanna hurt nobody. Vinnie D: What are you talking ‘bout, Don Ramon? You organized this fight! They should be goin’ at it like sharks with sliced bellies, not sitting around singin’ kumbaya. Eddie: Hey Vinnie, I’m not gonna sing for you eith— Vinnie D: Shut up, Eddie. Don Ramon: [ mumbling ] There will be no singing, Vinnie. Vinnie D: I’m sorry, Don, I just can’t hear you. Don Ramon: [ lifts megaphone up, the end in Vinnie D’s face ] NO SINGING! Vinnie D: I know, I know! I assure you, there will be no singing. Don Ramon: [ still through megaphone ] GOOD. Eddie: I’m not gonna be fightin’ anyone. Vinnie D: Like hell you ain’t. You ain’t here for no spellin’ bee, you’re here to fight. Look at yourself, you’re just murder in a skin. You can’t… [ trails off as hot Cotton Candy saleswoman walks by ] Hey, precious, you lookin’ beautiful like I don’t even wanna know. Don Ramon: [ still through megaphone ] ONE COTTON CANDY. Vinnie D: Don, the megaphone, please… Don Ramon: [ still through megaphone ] SORRY. [ Vinnie D shakes head while Don Ramon lowers megaphone and gets a cotton candy ] Vinnie D: Eddie, you better get in there and remove that man’s head. You show him hell ‘til he ain’t gonna get up again, ever. Don Ramon: [ half-mumbling ] I don’t see why he’s gotta do that… Vinnie D: ‘Cause he’s a boxer! He gets paid to bash skulls in! That’s boxing! Eddie: I’m not bashing in no skulls. Vinnie D: [ getting more visibly angered ] This is ridiculous! You are getting in there and fighting! Don Ramon: [ through megaphone, right in Vinnie’s face ] I’M LEAVING. Vinnie D: Don, I don’t mean to be rude, but watch where you point that thing. You have a seat and enjoy the fight. [ Don Ramon and bodyguards exit ] Vinnie D: [ angrily ] Eddie, you are getting in there and pounding that joker for all he’s worth, all right?! Eddie: I told ya, Vinnie, I dun wanna hurt nobody. Vinnie D: [ climbing into ring ] You will fight! You know why? [ pointing to other corner ] That bastard raped your girlie. Eddie: Danny’s a nice guy, he wouldn’t do that. Vinnie D: [ vehemently, in Eddie’s face ] Now you listen up, you sack of ox-flesh! You don’t even wanna know what happens if you don’t get over there to fight that cauliflower-bastard right now! Eddie: Vinnie, I don’t like it when you talk to me li— Vinnie D: [ vehemently ] You mother… [ takes a swing at Eddie, Eddie parries and sends Vinnie D rolling onto the ground in one punch ] [ bell rings. Crowd roars. Referee, Danny, Eddie meet in center of ring ] Referee: Danny, you lost the coin toss so you go first. Your word is deracinate. Deracinate. Danny: Deracinate. D-E-R-A… [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
