[Scene begins with Montgomery (Hammond), Ezzie (Dratch), Jill (Poehler), and Harry (Baldwin) seated around a table. Ezzie looks to be older, and has a head full of grey hair. Jill is wearing a tube top and looks like a teenager. Enter Barry (Armisen) and Larry (Forte), both of whom are dressed in black suits.]

Barry: Hello, my name is Barry...

Larry: And I’m Larry...

Barry: And we’re employees at Jennifer and Hooligans consulting firm. As you may know, you guys are part of a focus group, and we’ll be using your opinions...

Larry: But only if we like em’...

Barry: To advise our clients on the quality of their products. So...any questions?

Larry: (one second later) Good, let’s begin!

Montgomery: Wait a minute...you guys are speaking too fast...

Barry: (chuckles) Oh...Larry and I had a little coffee this morning...

Larry: Mixed with amphetamines...

Barry: So don’t worry.

Larry: You should probably worry...

Montgomery: (uneasily) Alright...but...

Harry: (interrupting in a very proper, overly positive voice) Hey, everybody...I’m Harry, and I’m here to participate in valid market research and do whatever Barry and Larry say!

Barry: Thanks, Harry! Alright...the first product we have...(steps outside the room, but can be heard) is cereal! Everyone likes cereal, right? (comes back in carrying four bowls and passes them out quickly) Here ya go! Eat up! (everyone begins eating)

Montgomery: (with a mouthful of cereal) Mmm...this is good stuff...

Jill: (high-pitched) Yeah!

Ezzie: (speaking slower) This is great...

Harry: (doesn’t appear to have eaten any of his cereal) I, as the "average, everyday consumer" (holds up fingers as "quotes"), like the delectable texture and unique flavor of this product.

Barry: Great, Harry...but what if I told you it wasn’t made out of boring grain or un-patriotic corn or kid-killing rice?

Harry: Well, I’d say you slipped one right past me, Barry! These delicious flakes taste like they’re fresh off some communist’s farm!

Montgomery: Communist? What?

Larry: All farmers are communists! Believe it!

Montgomery: (puzzled, but eats more) Well, what’s this made of, if not grain, corn, or rice?

Barry: It’s made from decadent, mouth-watering, nuclear waste!

Montgomery: (spits food out) What the hell???

Barry: Yes, it’s glorious, patriotic, un-poisonous nuclear waste! See, your nations’ corporations are concerned about the environment!

Montgomery: How, by selling nuclear waste as food???

Larry: What do ya want them to do, communist...dump it?

Jill: Well, I like it grandpa! You gotta wake up! Our earth’s gonna be nasty if you don’t eat it!

[Ezzie falls out of her chair.]

Montgomery: Oh my god...somebody save that old woman!

Harry: Wait...I’m a doctor! (gets down and haphazardly checks her pulse) She’s dead fellow consumers...bring on the next product!

Ezzie: (from the ground and barely able to speak) Wait...I’m still alive...

Harry: Don’t worry! I’ll save her! (he then pounces on top of Ezzie and begins holding her nose and sucking the air out of her...after five or so seconds, he rises up) Looks like we lost her fellas! Hey, how about some more of that luscious cereal?

Montgomery: I’m not eating anymore nuclear waste!

Larry: You will eat it!

Barry: Look sir, what if I throw the cereal out and bring in a new product?

Montgomery: Well...ok...just as long as no one else ends up dead...

Larry: (quickly) We can’t promise that.

Barry: Fair enough. Larry...go and get the everlasting gobstoppers!

[Larry exits the room and comes back with a silver platter that has multi-colored candy on it.]

Montgomery: Wait...aren’t those are from a movie?

Harry: I’ll gladly try one! (picks one off of the plate, and pretends, with obviously poor sleight of hand, to put it in his mouth) Mmm...these are spectacular!

Montgomery: (a beat as Jill is taking one and the plate comes to him) Wait...he didn’t eat one!

[As soon as she puts the candy in her mouth, Jill falls out of consciousness and onto the floor.]

Montgomery: Oh my god...somebody save that little girl!

Harry: Don’t worry...Dr. Harry is in the house! (runs over to where she lays) Listen, Jill...an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and that’s why you’re dead!

Montgomery: (as Harry runs back to his seat) What the...what the hell kinda doctor are you???

Harry: Mmm...gotta love these gobstoppers! (pretends to put another one in his mouth)

Barry: Sir...were you not satisfied with the candy?

Montgomery: I don’t know...I didn’t eat any after that girl died!

Larry: They were made from snake venom...

Barry: Shut up, Larry...how about I bring in our last product...(rushes out of the room and soon enters swiftly with a tray in his hand) take a bite outta one of these! (shoves the tray in Montgomery’s face)

Montgomery: (takes a look at the brown things on the tray) Hell no! It smells like poop!

Barry: But...it isn’t!

Larry: (quickly) Yes it is.

Montgomery: I’m not eating this!

Barry: Harry, you don’t seem to be a slimy communist...why don’t you try one!

Harry: (doesn’t even put his hand near the tray, but makes a chewing motion with his mouth) Mmm...these are fabulous!

Barry: (putting the platter on the table) Alright...everybody stop!

[Jill and Ezzie rise from the floor and take their seats.]

Ezzie: (taking off her grey-haired wig and speaking normally) Is the training over?

Barry: Almost...

Jill: (also speaking normally) How’d we do?

Barry: Well, first off...Jill, I love your teenager...it’s dead-on, but you can’t wear that tube-top anymore...it makes me wanna have sex with Larry’s daughter.

Larry: Indeed...

Barry: Ezzie...you did great, but less of the sexual innuendo, alright? It makes me wanna have sex with Larry’s grandmother.

Ezzie: What?

Barry: Montgomery...you were simply too belligerent! I mean, damn...I thought you were gonna crack a few times!

Montgomery: I know, I know...but with people dyin’ and all, I thought that...

Barry: (interrupting) Trust me Monty...I’ve been in situations just like this and no one’s ever got upset like that, and I’ve seen children in wheelchairs keel over during these things! Anyway...we finally come to Harry...and you can quit acting now, old friend. I’ve got news for ya people...Harry here was a ringer!

[Everyone lets out "Ahh’s" in surprise.]

Barry: Harry works for us, and he likes to sit in on these things and show trainees how real consumers behave.

Jill: Have you got any tips for us, Harry?

Harry: Sure...I suggest you try your best to get into the mind of a consumer, and not that of a (hold up fingers for quotes) "real" person. I mean, it’s the consumers you’ll be dealing with.

Ezzie: Hmm...I’ll have to write that down...

Barry: Ok, everybody! After the next portion of the training program is over, you’ll be able to conduct your own focus groups for Jennifer and Hooligans! How does that sound to ya?

[Everyone says "cool" and "awesome" and such.]

Barry: Great! Now...follow me to the pool...it’s time for endurance trials!

Montgomery: Ahh, neat!

Larry: You won’t think it’s neat when you’re drowning in urine...

Montgomery: What?

Larry: Just kidding!