|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wife.....Maya Rudolph Husband.....Will Forte Caller.....Kenan Thompson TV announcer voice.....Darrell Hammond (Open to a husband (Forte) and wife (Rudolph) sitting and eating at a plain wooden dinner table. A black cordless phone hangs on the wall.) Wife: Today Maureen got her butt stuck in the copy machine - again. Husband: I remember when I did that. (The phone rings and the husband rises from the table to answer the phone.) Husband: Hello? (Go to split screen between Husband and Wife and the Caller (Thompson)) Caller: Hello, is (slowly sounding it out) Mr. Soon-sil-tofu-song available? Husband: (Covering mouthpiece) It's one of THEM. Wife: (Her face contorting in disgust) NO! Husband: A telemarketer! What should I do? Wife: Tell them you're not home. Husband: Right (to phone) Actually it's Suanseltoffesaun, as in Swan, like the bird, sell as in Martha's broker told her to sell early then she was facing jail time, toffee without the ee, and son as in, Listen up a-hole only I can beat my son! Suanseltoffesaun. (A beat) And we're not in right now so- Caller: (Cutting him off) I know you're there. Husband: (Grimaces) Dammit! Caller: (screen goes to split only between the caller and husband.) My name is George and I'm calling on behalf of a charity which chooses to remain nameless due to their humble nature. In fact in order to assure more of their money goes towards actual charitable causes they opted not to have a name so as to save on advertising. You may have seen their blank fliers. Husband: I have, I got one in the mail today actually. Caller: Well, what we're doing is having a concert this month and selling the tickets. Husband: Look...that's great but... Caller: Sir, do you like tribal blue grass? Husband: I don't really know what that sounds like. Caller: Well, for $492.38 you and three guests can. Husband: Uh...well, actually... I don't really like music. Pitches distort in my ears, they always sound like screaming; it's very painful. Caller: That's okay, should you decide not to use the tickets send them back to us and we'll sell them to someone else, thereby, doubling your contribution. Husband: Well, to be honest, I don't have an extra $500. Caller: I don't know if you're fully aware of what this organization does for people. Helenikananava was an orphaned 13-month-old girl, completely deaf, mute, and limbless. She was found by our organization after her entire family had been killed leaving her in the care of a wild dog, which peed on her twice daily. Today, she is the number one selling singer/songwriter in Gunipewey. Husband: How could a limbless, deaf mute write or sing? Caller: (Completely ignoring him) We have a single ticket for only 97 dollars. Can the limbless count on you? Husband: (Dealing with inner turmoil as the shot reopens to include his wife) Um...maybe you should talk to my wife. (Handing off the phone) Honey, it's for you. Wife: (Rolling her eyes and taking the phone, the husband sits down trying to calm himself) This is ridiculous, watch and learn. (Puts phone up to ear) Look, this has been fun and all, but you're disrupting our evening and we're just not interested. Please don't call- Caller: (interrupting) I'm sorry to have been such an intrusion, and if I may be so bold, you sound like a magnificently beautiful woman. Wife: Oh, um- thank you. Caller: I can practically see your gentle smile, your lively eyes dancing radiantly through the telephone. Wife: That's very kind. Caller: And I bet you're a goddess in the bedroom. Wife: What? I uh... (She takes a few steps away from her husband and the split reduces to between only her and the caller) I am a happily married woman. Caller: Of course, but you have needs right? Wife: (Hesitantly) Um...yes? Caller: And you have a right to get those fulfilled. Wife: (Seductively) Yes- Caller: So do the children of Canuhpokyanow. Millions of children die every day without their needs being met, such as the need to live. In this country children are used as sacrifices to the local God of fertility by throwing them into an extinct volcano, subjecting their frail bodies to the mercy of jagged rocks and poison ivy as they free fall over 600 feet? Is that what you want? Mother: NO! That's awful! Caller: I'm glad you feel that way, because my organization wants to fight this cruel tradition and in order to do so has created a series of calendars and address labels. Mother: We already have a calendar. Caller: Our calendar is a composition of exotic landscapes featuring touching thank you letters from the millions benefited by your contributions, including real tears, for only 50.96. Mother: That seems really expensive for a calendar. Caller: Understandable, that's why we have a collection of 100 address labels for the same price. Ma'am is keeping a child out of a volcano worth 50 cents a label to you? Mother: You said the volcano's extinct right? Caller: Listen, some people are coldhearted bitches. And while you are not one of those, cheap whore, there are no hard feelings in regards to your declination. Mother: What did you just call me? (Shot reopens to include her husband who sits mindlessly at the table) Caller: You're a wonderful person, without a soul, and heart of gold. Mother: That's it, I've had enough! (Hands the phone to husband) Take care of this! (Sits at the table, frustrated) (Husband picks up the phone) Caller: (Interjecting before the husband can speak) As you are probably not aware the country of Kalimonstrot, a country known for its facially hairy inhabitants, has been under political disarray for the past decade. Consequently everyone in the country has been killed except for three men. The lands have turned into a swamp of quick sand, leaving them stuck up to their nipples in quick sand while wild chickens and iguanas peck at their chest and facial hair; especially the nose hairs. Can the hairs of Yemi, Besghli, and John count on you? Husband: To be honest, I don't think any of these countries exist, and these so-called causes are ludicrous! I'm not donating to something I've never heard about. Diseases, starvation, poverty, those are real causes not nose hair eating iguanas! Caller: I don't think you realize how much that would hurt. Husband: Look, I'm done with this conversation and I'm hanging up this phone right now. (Hangs up the phone, protests from the caller sounding in the background. The shot reopens to include his wife.) Wife: Finally, (Turns on the TV) let's just watch the news. TV announcer v/o: In recent news terror has stricken the third world countries of Gunipewey, Canuhpokyanow, and Kalimonstrot. Tonight we bring you the devastation and destruction in these countries as a local charity attempts to save them. (Husband quickly turns off the TV and exchanges a perplexed look with his wife.) Husband: Who would have thought? (Shrugging it off) How about a game of battleship? (fade) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
