[Open on the living room of a nice house. Two men (Baldwin, Parnell) enter wearing white pants, polo shirts, and sweaters tied around their neck. They speak in high-class dialects.]

Kip: (continuing an ongoing conversation as he enters through the front door) Well, the Palisades are certainly enchanting this time of year...

Kerry: Oh, they are indeed. The wife and I relished our times there in years past. However, it’s just that it’s become so unkempt these days...

Kip: Yes...and I hear the uh...minority count, if you catch my drift, is rising there, if I should be so bold in saying so...

Kerry: Well, old chum, gone are the days when skin color provided a much-needed barrier in our society.

Kip: Unfortunately. So, are you wanting to watch Bloomberg before we hit the links...or...

Kerry: Well, I wanted to show you this tape I found.

Kip: Oh, I see. Well, Kerry...you can stall all you want, but you know as well as I do that you’re simply terrified of my mid-game! (makes motion like he’s swinging a golf club)

Kerry: Ahh...the competitive spirits are alive and well in you today, Kip, and understandably so, but you must watch this tape...it’s just the most terrible thing!

Kip: I must admit, Kerry...you have succeeded in stoking my interests. Let’s give it a go.

Kerry: Alright.

[Kip takes a seat on the couch and Kerry goes over and puts the tape in the VCR. He then returns to the couch to sit beside Kip.]

Kerry: (picks up the remote control) Now...I must prepare you properly before we begin...

Kip: Oh, poppycock! Just play the tape...I want to be surprised!

Kerry: Well, if you say so...

[Kerry presses play on the remote control. Sounds indicate what appears to be people having sex, as there is a lot of heavy breathing and gasps of ecstacy.]

Kip: (reviled) Oh god! What is this?

Kerry: Well...I’m not definitively sure, but I assume it’s two people having sex.

Kip: (still reviled) Where did you...did you get this filth?

Kerry: Well...I suspect the culprit is our fifteen-year-old son. I saw him outside a fortnight ago tampering with the satellite dish. Maybe this was the product of his efforts.

Kip: Well, I recommend you have him see his therapist immediately!

Kerry: Oh, I don’t know...I mean, isn’t it normal for a boy his age to have sexual desires?

Kip: Yes, but I mean...(suddenly attentive to the video) Wait...what’s he doing to her now?

Kerry: I believe he’s giving her the ol’ heave-ho through the backdoor, for lack of better terms.

Kip: Anal sex? Wow...I’ve never done that before!

Kerry: Me neither. (a beat as they watch) Well, you must see what else is on here...let me fast-forward it...

Kip: NO! I mean uh...as sickening as this smut is, I have to admit...it is extremely compelling!

Kerry: So...you want me to wait, or...

Kip: (watching intently) Hold on...they’re changing positions...they’re laying on their backs now...she’s grabbing his...oh...

[Both lean forward, watching the screen without blinking.]

Kip: Goodness...he’s definitely got a big...uh...

Kerry: Let’s just say he’s gifted...we’ll leave it at that. We don’t want to get all gay in here...

Kip: (still watching) Right-o.

Kerry: Alright...coming up is one of the more disturbing parts...

Kip: (watching intently) When?

Kerry: Right about...now! Look!

Kip: Oh god! What in Ronald Reagan’s name is that thing?

Kerry: I believe it’s what the plebeians call a dildo...

Kip: Well...uh...what should sophisticates like us call it?

Kerry: Uh...a sporting wang? I don’t know...why are you so interested all of the sudden?

Kip: I don’t know...I mean, you said it was an interesting tape. You were right...what do you want me to say?

Kerry: No...I said it was terrible...not interesting! You’re the one who said something about being interested...

Kip: (ignoring him and watching) Give it to her...give it to her! Really plant that thing in her!

Kerry: What are you doing? I thought you said this was filth?

Kip: Well, I admit I was flabbergasted...at first. But, I’m sort of getting aroused now...

Kerry: Aroused??? I called your attention to this because I didn’t know what to tell my son!

Kip: (eyes fixed on the screen) Hey, tell him to get you more of this!

Kerry: Dammit! I didn’t bring you here so you could get an...an erection on my couch!

Kip: Too late for that! (yelling at the screen and motioning with his arm) Now put it in him!

Kerry: (picks up remote controller quickly and turns the video off) That’s enough of that!

Kip: Hey man, come on...don’t be a square!

Kerry: Listen, our upper-class status should protect us and our children from this type of...of worldly debauchery!

Kip: Oh, get real! We’re not going to be evicted from our mansions, or...or have our memberships revoked at the country club for watching a little pornography! It’s the 21^st century!

Kerry: But don’t you realize what would happen if we became like them?

Kip: (pointing to the screen) Like them? If we were like them, we would be having a lot of fun, I can tell you that!

Kerry: No, you idiot! Like the proletariat, the commoners...the riff-raff, for God’s sakes!

Kip: What do you mean?

Kerry: Listen, we start watching this stuff, and before you know it, we’re buying American-made cars, voting for Democrats, eating at the Sizzler, and following NASCAR! Is that what you want us to be...dirty, working-class knaves? (angrily) Is that what you want my son to be???

Kip: (thinks about it) I uh...I guess not...

Kerry: Right! Now listen, we’ve got to dispose of this tape. How do you suggest we go about it?

Kip: Well, I...I think I know a guy who uh...takes care of...of evil crap like that tape!

Kerry: Who? What does he do?

Kip: Never mind...it’s uh...it’s a secret. Just give me the tape.

Kerry: Well uh...ok. (gets up to get the tape)

Kip: He’s uh...he’s real good with this kinda thing.

Kerry: (sits back down with the tape) You know, we could just throw it out with the garbage...

Kip: Why? So the garbage man can find it, watch it, and sodomize your wife next time he comes around when you’re not home??? (snatches the tape away) Just trust me...ok?

Kerry: (uneasily) Ok. (Kip gets up to leave) Hey uh...where are you going? I thought we were going to hit the links. Remember...you’re mid-game?

Kip: Oh I uh...gotta do some things...you know...around the house...see ya!

[Kip rushes out the door without haste.]

Kerry: (to himself) I thought Kip had an entire staff of maids...wait a minute...(stands up and begins yelling) you’re going to go watch that tape! Get back here!