[Scene begins with Sharpton standing at a podium addressing a crowd of potential voters.]

Al Sharpton: (mid-speech) And as you know, I have made it my life’s work to protect the civil liberties of all men, women, and children...and especially those of minority status within our society...and now I face my greatest challenge to that cause: gaining the Democratic nomination and running against George W. Bush in 2004!

[Cheers throughout.]

Well, I’ve spoke long enough. What I’d like to do now is address any questions or concerns you may have about my platform.

[We hear a rustling...a beat as Sharpton looks to select someone to ask the first question. During the question and answer portion of his speech, the camera cuts between Sharpton and those asking him questions.]

Yes, you ma’am...

Woman: Mr. Sharpton...as President of the United States, you would be the first African-American in our country’s history to occupy the Oval Office. Are you hoping this will open the door for other African-American candidates wishing to run for President in the future?

Sharpton: If I am elected, I hope to open a lot of doors for people of color...but my decision to run for the office of President really isn’t about race. It’s about defending the rights of everyone in this great land of ours. (looks to choose someone else) Yes...you, sir...

Young Man: Hey...are you sayin’ that when you’re President, you would make it to where people of other races could get elected?

Sharpton: Well, young man, whether or not someone is elected depends upon many factors, and ultimately, what the voters decide. But, I will do my best to ensure that every person, whether they be black or white, has equal opportunity to...

Young Man: (interrupting) See...that’s the issue...black or white. I’d like to see an Asian president be elected. I mean, that would likely facilitate relations with China and North Korea, and plus, didn’t anyone see that movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Asians can do some cool stuff!

Sharpton: (amidst a clamor of "yeah’s") Listen, everybody...I’m not saying that only blacks and whites can be elected President of the United States...what I’m sayin’ is...

Elderly Woman: (shouting from within the crowd, and speaking in a rickety old woman’s voice) What about senior citizens? Would you try and make it to where a senior citizen could be President?

Sharpton: As I implied before, if I were to be elected, I couldn’t make anyone be elected President, understand?

Elderly Woman: So you’re saying you’re against breaking the White House’s geezer barrier?

Sharpton: Geezer barrier? No! I mean, there is no geezer barrier! Ronald Reagan was President, and he was a geez...I mean...a senior citizen when he was in the White House.

Elderly Woman: Oh, I forgot...sorry. You know...my memory and all...

Sharpton: Really...it’s ok. But I can say that I am concerned with women...and ensuring that they have equal access into politics in the future...

Woman: So you’re saying you’d get a woman elected to the Presidency while you were in office?

Sharpton: No! I’d be the President while I was in office...

Young Man: So, you’re going to ask a woman to be your Vice-President in 2004?

Sharpton: I don’t know! Listen, one of my primary goals as President would be to assure that each and every American, regardless of his...or her...race, creed, or color, would have equal opportunity to run for any office they wish. But again...I can’t...

Gay Man: (interrupting, and flaming) Oh, I get it...so I guess you can make women and people of different races President, but not gay people, right?

Sharpton: (frustrated) For the last time, I can’t make anyone President! And, I’m sorry...what I meant was I agree that men and women of all races, creeds, colors, and sexual orientations...should have equal opportunity to run for...

Wheelchair-Bound Guy: (interrupting) So, Mr. Sharpton...you’re not gonna make someone in a wheelchair President?

Sharpton: That's it, I've had enough! You want a president in a wheelchair? Fine! I'm going to make you president of the Black And Blue Crippled Club, you sonofa--

Elderly Woman: In all my life, I never thought I would live long enough to see something as catastrophic as this!

Sharpton: Well, now you can die knowing you've seen everything! (punches the Elderly Woman in the gut)

Gay Man: (waving his hands feyly) Rev. Sharpton is out of control! Rev. Sharpton is out of control!

Sharpton: And you is out of Y chromosomes, Fairy! (bitch slaps Gay Man in the face until he collapses) There! Now, that's a fair fight!

(Remaining people in the room begin to scream in primal fear)