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Moderator.....Al Sharpton Ms. Robertson.....Amy Poehler Crystal.....Maya Rudolph Jason.....Seth Meyers Felix.....Jimmy Fallon Dr. Smella.....Chris Parnell Jock 1.....Finesse Mitchell Jock 2.....Will Forte Richard.....Horatio Sanz Monty.....Kenan Thompson [Scene: Stage with single microphone and a Nerd-Con 2003 banner hanging in background. Moderator is dressed nerdily. He wears a black t-shirt which reads: It's Basic! 10 PRINT "NERDS RULE!" 20 GOTO 10 ] Moderator: Alright everyone, settle down and we shall get started. (waits a moment and then clears throat) Since the beginning of civilization, when the first nerd looked up at the first cave painting and decided to build his life around it, despite finding numerous consistency errors...7 in fact, which I think you'll all agree is quite a lot for a cave painting...nerds have strived to change the world for the betterment of nerdkind. We now live in an age of unheard of nerdiness. Twenty years ago...twenty years ago the proudest boast was "Yo baby, I'm a quarterback". Today, in the world of successful movies like Spiderman, X-men, Lord of the Rings and the Matrix the proudest boast is "Ich bein ein Nerd." However, with every journey there is always another step to take and so today we look forward at what lay ahead of us as we move onward. I recommend you have your inhalers at the ready because what you are about to see will take your breath away. It's time to take a look into the future. Richard: Into the future Conan? [crowd erupts in nerd laughter. The following has many cuts from Moderator to whoever is talking and sometimes a wider shot of both.] Moderator: Very funny Richard. Very funny. Now settle down everyone. Settle. Settle. Settle. Good. Now it's time to find out what every nerd will want in 2004! (music plays) First up we have Crystal. She's wearing an authentic Dolce and Gabbana Scott Summers, aka Cyclops, eye visor. [Crystal, a nerd, walks on stage wearing a visor.] Felix: That concept is older than Stan Lee! Moderator: (takes puff from his inhaler. angrily) SETTLE DOWN! Alright, now keep watching as the visor becomes... [Crystal knocks her glasses off trying to make the transistion from visor to headband, but then collects herself and poses.] Moderator: ...a lovely ruby headband. [crowd oohs and ahhs. Cut to crowd.] Jason: Pff, I can do that with my Geordi La Forge visor. [Jason puts his Geordi La Forge visor on his head.] Richard: Yeah, but you look like a dingus. [Richard slaps Jason in the back of the head as the other nerds laugh. Cut back to Moderator] Moderator: (losing it) SETTLE DOWN! (to a startled Crystal)Thank you. (exit Crystal) Now, next we have our piece de resistance...a revolution in nerd wear...it started off as the winner of this summer's Nerd Wear design contest but I think u'll agree it will soon be taking the planet by storm. How many have said to themselves...geez, I wish I could carry my novels around and keep them in mint condition. To those...I give...Calvin Klein's Essential Book Pouch Ensemble. [Enter Monty wearing a bage shirt and slacks, both of which have large pouches in them that contain books. Monty is very gesticulatory and points out into the crowd.] Moderator: (reading from card) Well, hello Monty. What's that you're wearing. Monty: (trying to act cool) Well Jimbolaya, it's a nerd design made by the cool Calvin Klein. Moderator: (looking into crowd) I'd just like to remind everyone that my name is William. That was just a silly nickname for purposes of this skit. Richard (v/o): Get on with it Jimbolaya! Moderator: Okay, I've asked you to settle down...I do not understand why you refuse to settle down...NOW SETTLE THE HELL DOWN! Okay...(looking at card) So Monty what's with the cool threads? Monty: Yo. With these clothes I can be fashion smart and book smart...check it out. [Monty begins taking books out of numerous pouches in his shirt and pants.] Moderator: Wow. I am impressed. Monty: Yeah, I got my Tolkien 'round my waistband and my Dragonlance all up and down my pants! Moderator: Well, I'll bet you're a real hit with the ladies. [Enter Mrs. Robertson. in sequin gown looking apathetic.] Mrs. Robertson: Hey hotstuff...(without emotion) I wanna ride with the lead car and you look like you're in the pole position. Monty: Ha ha, I think this one's got her eyes on my Dickens. Moderator: Oh Monty, I'm not sure if it's your rapier wit or your great new wardrobe. Monty: It's the clothes that make the nerd. (to Mrs. Robertson) Alright baby, why don't we go back to your place and you can show me your Harry Potter. Mrs. Robertson: (disgusted) Oh baby...let's just go. (walking off with Monty who tries to put his arm around her)Don't touch me! Moderator: Alright. A special thanks to Corey's mom for helping us out. [Cut to crowd. Corey waves his hand in acknowledgement. In the corner of the shot Richard and Felix can be seen slap fighting.] Moderator: Hey...I...I...told you time and time again to settle down....I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. [Cut to crowd.] Richard: (to Felix) Tell him! [Felix shakes his head.] Moderator: Guys...look u're holding up a whole new line of dictionaries including the new revised Klingon and Romulan. Security. [Enter Jock 1 and Jock 2 who grab Richard and Felix] Jock 1: Sweet. I was hoping we'd be able to kick some nerdling ass! Jock 2: Yeah and this time we're getting paid to do it! Richard: No wait, Felix has something to tell you all! Jock 1: My fist has something to tell your face loser! Moderator: Wait, wait boys. You can go for now. (dejected jocks leave) Okay come now Felix. Tell me what this is all about or I'll have no choice but to have you two removed. Felix: Oh...fine. That suit...with the books was my idea. Moderator: Impossible! Heresy! Bunk! That outfit, while produced by the good people at Calvin Klein, was designed by contest winner Dr. Hugh Smella! In fact, we have the creator of this revolution in clothing in the back. Dr. Hugh Smella...Dr. Smella...could you come out here a moment. [Enter Dr. Hugh Smella. He has white curly hair and a moustache, glasses, and is smoking a pipe.] Dr. Smella: Hello, hello. I suppose-a my-a adoring fans-a wanted to get-a a look at me ah? Ha ha ha. Moderator: Settle down Dr. Smella. (pause as Moderator eyes Dr. Smella) In fact, we have a young man who claims that your invention was actually his invention. Dr. Smella: Please that's molto ridiculous! Richard: No it's not. Felix invented those pants! Moderator: But what proof do you have? Felix: Well, first of all Dr. Smella is my Uncle Arnold. [Crowd gasps.] Dr. Smella: Well...well....I....Felix? Is that-a you...why I haven't seen-a you in-a ages! Felix: You live in our basement and I drove you here. His moustache and hair are fake by the way. [Moderator pulls wig and moustache off Dr. Smella.] Moderator: You sir, have disgraced the good name of Nerdcon! Dr. Smella: Whatever Dewey. Moderator: My name is William! Dr. Smella: Felix you little snot, I'm gonna pound you! Richard: Fly Felix, fly! [Exit Felix and Dr. Smella.] Moderator: We're going to have to take a small break to sort things out. When we get back though, we'll have the dictionaries and Corey's mom and I will be reinacting the famous Luke and Leia swing from Star Wars and... Richard: Uh, actually Corey's mom just left...with the jocks. [cut to shot of Corey looking kind of embarrassed.] Corey: But she's my ride home! Richard: Wait a minute! Why would a girl want a Scott Summers visor? That's like me wanting a Storm wig or something...hmmm...no, no that's clearly a boy's accessory making the headband part an inconsistency! (taking paper out of pocket.) That's the 5th inconsistency I found! BINGO!!!!!!! I win! Moderator: Well done Richard! It looks like you're the grand prize winner of this year's inconsistency bingo. Richard: SUHWEET! What'd I win! Moderator: (taking a bag handed to him by Crystal) You've won your very own Calvin Klein's Essential Book Pouch Ensemble! Richard: YES! I've always wanted one of those! (taking suit out of bag) Oh man, and it's signed by both Calvin Klein and Dr. Hugh Smella. Talk about a collector's edition. [Enter Dr. Smella being pulled by Felix who is in a headlock.] Felix: (getting noogies) You traitor! [Exit Dr. Smella and Felix with Felix still in the headlock. Richard smiles and waves at Crystal.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
