[Scene begins with still-frame of a beautiful university building. Uplifting orchestral music plays in the background.]

Graduate Student V/O: As I look back on my undergraduate years, I realize they were filled with life-changing events and mind-expanding discoveries. For me, it was a period of intensive learning, both in the academic and social realms. I determined what career paths I would take, and cut ties with my parents’ way of life as I developed thoughts and ideas of my own.

Nevertheless, my most memorable experiences involved escapades of debauchery and merriment, including nights of round-the-clock binge drinking, sexual experimentation with multiple partners, and visits to the student health center for numerous blood and urine tests.

As a graduate student, however, these once enjoyable occurrences seemed moot, and my fondest recollections during this time period derived from friendships with the great researchers and experts of the field in which I chose to study.

[Cut to still-frame of the student laughing with other professor types at an upscale party.]

Graduate Student V/O: For me, it was psychology that stoked my interests, and during the time in which I sought the highly prestigious doctoral degree, the most rewarding companionship I kept was with a figure who held high rank among his contemporaries in our great discipline. This man’s name...was Dr. Brian Rourke.

[Cut to a still-frame of Dr. Brian Rourke (Richards) and the student with their arms around each other in loving embrace. Rourke is dressed up to look older and has a ruddy face with an elongated chin and a monocle hanging from his right eye.]

Graduate Student V/O: What follows is one of many stories that characterized this man’s eminent demeanor, which in turn will indicate the wisdom I took from him over the years.

[The music stops. Cut to a scene in Dr. Rourke’s office, which is adorned with intricately designed oak furniture and scores of certificates, which are hung about the walls. Dr. Rourke is located behind his desk in an expensive leather chair and the graduate student is standing before him, eagerly awaiting the professor’s words.]

Dr. Rourke: (speaking in a gruff tone) Jimmy...you recall much of last night?

Graduate Student: No, I don’t sir...you forced me to drink that...stuff after the awards banquet. I think I passed out.

Dr. Rourke: (chuckling) Yeah, I made that stuff in my toilet bowl...just like the prisoners do!

Graduate Student: And it was good sir, but god...my ass is killing me!

Dr. Rourke: That doesn’t matter...you shouldn’t be worrying about that. However, what you should be worried about is not remembering what I told you!

Graduate Student: Yes, yes...Dr. Rourke. Sorry...

Dr. Rourke: What I said was me and you are goin’ on a trip today.

Graduate Student: Oh yes, Dr. Rourke...I remember now! You said something about going to the museum or...to an art exhibit or something...

Dr. Rourke: (yelling) WRONG PUNK! We’re headin’ to the river...let’s go! (standing up)

Graduate Student: What?

Dr. Rourke: I SAID COME ON!!! (grabs the student by the shirt and forces him out the door)

[Cut to the still-frame of the campus building. The music starts up again.]

Graduate Student V/O: I felt terrible for not remembering our discussion about the trip, so I initially ignored common sense, which told me never to go near a body of water with Dr. Rourke, and proceeded along with him. Nevertheless, as I entered the parking lot and ambled towards his giant red SUV, I became somewhat hesitant, and frankly, Dr. Rourke didn’t much like that.

[Cut to a still-frame of Dr. Rourke forcing the student into his vehicle with a pitchfork.]

Graduate Student V/O: After Dr. Rourke punctured my skin a couple times with his new gardening implement, I was finally ready to experience the new levels our relationship would achieve after this glorious and wonderful day!

[The music stops. Cut to a scene with Dr. Rourke and the student standing at the edge of a river.]

Dr. Rourke: Take your clothes off son, and I’ll show ya how to swim.

[A beat as Dr. Rourke removes his shirt and pants. His upper body is covered in hair, and the graduate student stares at him in wonderment.]

Dr. Rourke: (yelling) I SAID TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF, WUSS!!!

[Dr. Rourke violently removes the student’s shirt and pants and throws him into the water. He then dives in quickly, jumps on the student, and holds his head underwater for a good 10-20 seconds. He lets out a primal scream before allowing him air.]

Graduate Student: (gasping for oxygen) What did you do that for???

Dr. Rourke: Son...you’ve been baptized! Now you can tell others about me, just as long as ya name three researchers who cited my work in the 80's...

Graduate Student: (unsure of what to say) Uh...I have to be honest, I’m not sure I know any researchers who cited you at that time, Brian...uh, I mean...doctor...

Dr. Rourke: NO ONE CALLS ME BY MY FIRST NAME IN THIS RIVER!!!

[Rourke jumps on the student again, holding his head underwater with his entire body.]

Dr. Rourke: (at the top of his lungs) THOU SHALT PUT NO OTHERS BEFORE ME!!!

[Rourke then lets go him and quickly hops up from the river, leaving the student splashing and fighting to stay afloat.]

Graduate Student: Dr. Rourke...I can’t swim! Please help me!

Dr. Rourke: YOU WILL BE REBORN IN THIS RIVER...OR MY NAME ISN’T DR. ASS-RAPE!!!

[The music starts up and a beautiful still-frame of a river is shown on-screen.]

Graduate Student V/O: Well, Dr. Rourke never came back to save me. He basically took my clothes and my manhood, threw them in the back of his 80,000-dollar Hummer, and sped off for campus with extreme haste. I, on the other hand, would remain at the lake for what seemed like an eternity.

[Cut to still-frame of rescue workers trying to pry the Graduate Student from a log.]

Graduate Student V/O: It eventually took four park rangers, seven police officers, and three fireman to remove me from the log I had clutched to for dear life for so many days and nights.

[The music stops as the scene cuts back to Dr. Rourke’s office, where he sets comfortably in his chair wearing a silk robe, smoking a cigar, and sipping from a highball of scotch. The graduate student stands in front of his desk shivering...he is still wet from being in the lake.]

Graduate Student: Doctor, I’m sorry for not swimming out of there. I didn’t mean to be...

Dr. Rourke: (interrupting) Quit beating around the bush...I know what you wanna ask me.

Graduate Student: Uh I’m...I’m not quite sure what you mean...

Dr. Rourke: Sure ya do! Now quit being a weakling and just ask me!!

Graduate Student: (nervously) Oh ok...uh...do you have any towels? I think I might catch cold...

Dr. Rourke: (stands up and smashes his drink on the table) YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! (he reaches across the desk and grabs the student by the shirt) DON’T YOU WANNA KNOW IF I’M YOUR FATHER??? (as the graduate student remains quiet out of fear, Rourke pulls him closer, so the tip of his cigar is right in the student’s face) DO YOU REALLY THINK I’M YOUR PAPA?!?!

Graduate Student: Uh...yes Dr. Rourke! You are my papa!

Dr. Rourke: NO, I’M NOT!!! (throws him down to the floor)

Graduate Student: (from the ground) You’re not???

Dr. Rourke: No! Now quit tellin’ everyone I am!

Graduate Student: (picking himself up) But a month ago you said you were...

Dr. Rourke: (interrupting) I know, I know. To be truthful, I was just tryin’ to teach ya some respect, but then you go off tellin’ everyone in the department, not to mention your own mother, that I’m your damn father! Crap son, if I had sex with my wife and nine months later you plopped out of her worm hole, I’d punch her in the face and stuff you back in!

Graduate Student: But I don’t understand...I thought...

Dr. Rourke: (slams his fist on the desk) CAN IT, WIMP!

Graduate Student: (afraid) Ok, ok...Dr. Rourke, sorry...

Dr. Rourke: (a beat) Listen, I spoke with your mother the other day, and she told me how you never knew your father. That’s why I took you to the river.

Graduate Student: So you almost drowned me several times and left me there for dead because my daddy wasn’t around when I was growing up?

Dr. Rourke: Well son, to be brutally honest, I’m not really sure what kids and their fathers do at the river. Hell, I got the idea from overhearing Williams talk about his summer vacation.

Graduate Student: Dr. Williams takes his kids to the river and tries to drown them for summer vacation?

Dr. Rourke: Nah, I just got the directions from ‘em...that whole thing about me baptizing you was pretty much my own...thought it would be like a re-awakening for ya. Hell, I coulda went with my original idea...I coulda took you up there, tied you to a log vertically, and sacrificed a couple animals on your belly...but I decided against that.

Graduate Student: Why?

Dr. Rourke: I couldn’t find a big enough knife...(a beat) but anyway, stop telling people I’m your father!

[The student appears unable to talk.]

Dr. Rourke: OK???

Graduate Student: (startled) Ok! I will stop...

Dr. Rourke: Good! Now get to the package store and buy me another case of Cutty. My highball’s almost empty...

Graduate Student: (looking where the glass is smashed) Want me to go by and uh...pick up a new glass?

Dr. Rourke: Uh...yeah. Good thinkin’ soldier. Now run along before I get belligerent!

[Still-frame of the campus building appears as the music starts back up.]

Graduate Student V/O: I have to admit, I was glad to get out of his office alive that day. I truly thought he was going to kill me, but it took me four years of intensive therapy to realize he just wanted me to face any issues I had surrounding my father and his mysterious disappearance. As it turns out, my father actually died from drowning after I had been conceived in a river, and Dr. Rourke only wanted me to experience what my father had, along with simultaneously being reborn somehow. It was all a truly jarring experience, but I absolutely believe I am stronger because of it. And who do I have to thank? Dr. Brian Rourke! God, I loved that man!

[SUPER: To be continued...]