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Montana Joni.....Rachel Dratch Dennis Kucinich.....Fred Armisen [ int. Studio – Night ] [ Aztec themed late night talk show set. Couch. Desk. Small table with coffee mugs of water. Montana Joni, seated behind desk, wears tan archaeologist shirt, shorts and hat ] Montana Joni: Welcome back to the Booby-Trapped Talk Show. I’m your host Montana Joni, and I’d like to remind our studio audience to wear their safety goggles at all times—we all saw what happened during the break. [ mild laughter ] Now, I’d like to welcome our guest, from the House of Representatives, Democratic presidential candidate, Dennis Kucinich! [ Dennis Kucinich, dressed in suit, with tan archaeological hat haphazardly placed atop his head, enters to applause and sits on couch ] Montana Joni: Welcome, Dennis, to our show. Dennis Kucinich: Thank you. It’s great to be here. Montana Joni: So tell us why you’re here, on this show. Dennis Kucinich: Well, I wanted a forum where I could talk about issues that matter to the American people. As you know, I was at a debate in New Hampshire on Tuesday where Ted Koppel was asking questions that constantly ignored the issues. He asked about polls, endorsements, campaign money and even John Kerry’s shampoo. This is not what the American people want to hear. [ applause ] Also, Leno wouldn’t book me. [ While Montana Joni speaks, Dennis begins reaching for his mug on the table ] Montana Joni: Now, Dennis, you have some very interesting ideas abo— [ Dennis has picked up mug ] No! Don’t touch that! [ tosses fist-sized bag of sand onto table ] Phew! This ongoing occupation of Ira— [ a rumbling sound is heard. Dennis and Montana Joni look around nervously. Table slowly starts to sink down into the floor ] Montana Joni: We gotta start running Dennis. [ vaults desk, pulls Dennis up ] [ the two run off set as a giant boulder crashes onto the studio, knocking the furniture out of the way ] Montana Joni: I should have warned you, this IS the Booby-Trapped Talk Show! [ the two are now running in an “endless” corridor in some Aztec ruins, being chased by a giant boulder. Hurrah for green-screens ] Dennis Kucinich: I didn’t realize how serious or insane you people are… Montana Joni: [ reading question from a note card ] Now, what do you think has [ ducks as an axe swings through where her head was ] gone wrong in Iraq? Dennis Kucinich: [ nervous ] When you speak with someone, you must decide what language to speak in. Whether it’s English, French, German, Arabic, Klingon [ ducks as an axe swings through where his head was ] The Bush administration has decided to speak in the language of violence and war, and this has to stop. Montana Joni: [ reading another note card ] I hear that you are a bachelor? Dennis Kucinich: I am divorced, yes, and while I’m not currently dating [ ducks for another axe ] I— I’m sorry, are these giant boulders really necessary for this interview? Montana Joni: There’s a spot we can duck into just ahead. [ Montana Joni pulls Dennis Kucinich into a small alcove out of the boulder’s path. Once there, she pulls him in for a surprise kiss ] Montana Joni: I could be the First Lady. [ Dennis Kucinich scrambles out of the embrace ] Dennis Kucinich: The boulder’s gone by; [ pointedly ] I don’t think we need to be in here anymore… Montana Joni: There’s more than one boulder… [ rumbling as a boulder goes by the alcove ] Montana Joni: Todd, the set guy, got the idea from one of his razors… [ rumbling as another boulder goes by ] [ Montana Joni sticks her head out ] Montana Joni: That was the last of them. [ the two enter the “endless” corridor again, no longer chased by a giant boulder ] Dennis Kucinich: [ nervously looking behind him ] I wanted to talk a little about trade reform, and what NAFTA is doing to our econ— [ a few clicks are heard ] Montana Joni: Hit the deck! [ Montana Joni and Dennis Kucinich drop down as flame jets start firing overhead ] Dennis Kucinich: [ holding up a severed hand ] What is this? Montana Joni: John Edwards was on the show last week… long story short; he wasn’t quite as athletic as the producers thought… Dennis Kucinich: [ screams while throwing hand over his head ] [ the flame jets stop firing and both stand up slowly ] Montana Joni: Tell us more about NAF— Dennis Kucinich: I am leaving this insane show, right now! [ Dennis Kucinich begins running away from Montana Joni ] Montana Joni: Watch out for the— [ Kucinich, screaming, falls through floor ] Montana Joni: Snake pit… [ *thud* ] Well, that’s all the time we have for our show. Tune in next week when we put the Highlander himself, Christopher Lambert, through his paces! Anything left to say, Congressman? Dennis Kucinich: [ aerial shot, he’s covered in snakes ] I .. hate .. snakes. Montana Joni: [ to crew ] Can someone get a rope or something? Dennis Kucinich: [ still rolling in snakes ] Live From New York! It’s Saturday Night! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
