|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Greg.....Seth Meyers Andre.....Finesse Mitchell Woman.....Amy Poehler Young Man.....Elijah Wood Man.....Darrell Hammond (open on the interior of a small caterer's business. A counter is present with a glass display booth, revealing multitudes of prepared foods and pastries. Steam emanates from the closed door of the rear kitchen. Greg, the employee, stands behind the counter, talking to someone on the phone. He has a pad and pencil in his hand and is writing on it.) Greg: Alright sir, I have your order down, it will be ready by the twenty-first. Thank you for choosing our business. (He puts the pad in his pocket and hangs up the phone. A woman enters and comes up to the counter. Woman: Um, excuse me, can you help me? (Greg goes over to her.) Greg: I apologize if I kept you waiting. Welcome to Central Catering, we serve all your dining needs from brunches to buffets. How can I help you? Woman: Yes, I just have a small order to place. My husband just got a new job at the Sure Trust Bank, and I wanted to throw him a party. I need a nice cake to celebrate. Greg: Oh, what a wonderful gesture, madam. I'm so happy for your husband. And all those liberals said Bush was doing nothing for the economy. (He laughs, and the woman joins in. They stop after a few seconds.) Now, is there any particular flavor you'd prefer? Woman: Half-chocolate, half-vanilla, and I'd like the icing decorations to have something to do with his new job, like little edible coins put on the cake. Could you do that? Greg: No problem. As a matter of fact, I have a great idea. Why not decorate it to look like a credit card. It could be Visa, Master Card, Amex, any type. Just a thought, though. Woman: Wow, that's a really good suggestion. Okay, I want a credit card cake. Greg: Excellent choice. Now, when we make custom cakes, we like to personalize them to fit the recipient. So, to make it authentic, we could include your husband's credit card number as well. That would make it look like the real thing. Woman: (pondering the situation) Well that's a pretty novel idea. Let me write it down for you. (She pulls out a note card and writes the information down.) Greg: Maybe you could include his PIN as well? And the expiration date? You know, for authenticity. Woman: Okay, okay, don't rush me. By the way, his card is a Visa. (She finishes writing and hands the card to Greg.) All the information's down here, plus my name, number and address. I need it done by next Thursday. Greg: You got it, and thank you once again for choosing Central Catering. Have a good day. (The woman leaves the store. Greg puts the paper in his pocket). Looks like I won't have to worry about spending too much during my Christmas shopping this year. Ha ha! (Andre enters from the kitchen, carrying a large pot of mashed potatoes. He puts it down on a shelf behind the glass counter.) Andre: Man, I watched you while the potatoes were getting finished. Another classic con, as always. Greg: (bowing) Thank you, Andre. You're too, too kind. We are truly blessed to be gifted with such intellects. Andre: Amen to that. Oh, here comes another. I'll take this one. (Greg steps back and Andre takes his place behind the register.) Time to put my brain to work; watch and enjoy the magic. (A young man comes up to the counter. Andre eyes him like a vulture.) Andre: Good afternoon, and welcome to Central Catering! How can I help you today? Young Man: Hi, uh, my parents are having their 20th wedding anniversary, and I want to set up a nice formal dinner for the celebration. Andre: 20 years? Well, give your parents my congratulations. You should also thank the people your folks have been seeing on the side to keep them happy in their relationship! (He laughs, the young man chuckles politely in response.) Oh, the classics never get old. So, how would you like this affair catered? Young Man: Well, I'd like to go for a nice roast turkey with all the trimmings, plenty of vegetables, fresh-baked bread, and I also heard you provide wine? Greg: We certainly do provide wine. It will be fresh as well, as long as your parents have a barrel for me to stomp the grapes. (He and Andre chuckle together.) Andre: Ha, my friend has such wonderful levity. Now, you do realize that a fresh roast turkey is loaded with tryptophan, which promotes drowsiness. Young Man: Yeah, I did hear that turkey can make you sleepy, but I never knew what the stuff that did it was called. Andre: Well, now you see the downside of community college. (The young man looks offended. Andre immediately appears apologetic.) Sorry, so sorry, I'm kidding. But yes, turkey can make you sleepy, and combined with wine, it could be a nasty combination. I'd recommend that to counter this, your party should… uh. (He hesitates, he's stuck for a con.) What I mean is, you're best off if after dining, you… (hesitates again.) Excuse me for a minute. (He goes over to Greg and the two converse.) Greg: What's wrong, man? Andre: (nervous, almost panicky) I don't know. I can't come up with anything. I'm stuck! What's wrong with me? (He's sweating, almost on the verge of tears. He rests his head on Greg's shoulder.) Greg: (sympathetically) It's okay, Andre, it's okay. We all have trouble sometimes. You just relax over here. I'll handle this guy. (Greg goes over to the counter.) Heh, you'll have to excuse my friend, he's been under a little stress. If you just give us the information we need, we'll have it ready for your parents' anniversary. Young Man: Okay, I have it all right here. (He gives a sheet of paper to Greg.) Thanks for your help, and I hope your friend gets better soon. (He turns and leaves. Andre comes up to the counter and hugs Greg.) Andre: Thanks Greg, you're a real friend. I'm sorry I let him get away. Greg: Don't worry, buddy, it's no problem. I've let a few get by me before. Sometimes we just tax ourselves to the limit. Nothing to be ashamed of. (He turns his head and looks out the window.) Here comes another guy, want me to take care of him? Andre: (calmer) No, I'm doing better now, I can handle this. (A man approaches the counter, Andre appears slightly nervous.) Welcome to Central Catering. How can I help you today? Man: Yeah, I'm here to pick up the order for my company's holiday party. We got a big entrée ready 'cause this includes every holiday, even the ones I don't understand or give a crap about whatsoever. Andre: 'Tis the season to be P.C., sir. What's the order under? Man: It's under my name, Houton. The company's reimbursing me for picking up the food. (Pauses for a moment.) Say, didn't you use to work at the Home Depot? Andre: Not that I can recall, you must be mistaken. Now let me check here. (He pulls a large book out from a shelf in the booth and begins paging through it.) Houton… Houton… ah, here we are. Your order's in the back ready for delivery, and the total comes to 820 dollars. Man: Okay, let me write you a check. (He pulls out his checkbook and a pen and fills out a check, then gives it to Andre.) There you go, 800 plus change. Andre: Thank you very much, sir. We'll get right to work on loading up the meal and… (takes a good look at the check.) Oh, I'm sorry sir, we can't accept this check? It's impossible to make out your name. Man: (irritated) What, let me see that? (He looks at his signature.) What the hell are you talking about, it's perfectly readable? Andre: No, I'm afraid this is completely illegible. I need you to make out another check. (The man grumbles and writes another one. He hands it to Andre, who shakes his head.) No, no, no, this one can't be read either. Man: (very mad) Ah, Jesus! (He fills out another and gives it to Andre, who shakes his head again. He writes another, but is met with the same response. He then fills out his fifth check and gives it to Andre.) Can you read that?! Andre: Yes, this is perfectly legible. Sorry for the inconvenience. We'll just put this in the register and get right to work on loading up the food. (The man growls in frustration as he exits, failing to notice the four other checks he left on the counter. Andre pockets two of them, and gives the other two to Greg.) See, that is making money the easy way. Greg: Way to go, bro! I knew you could get back on track! (He slaps him a high-five.) Even better than the checks, we have a perfect template for his name. Andre: (smiling sadistically) Precisely. We will be having a very Merry Christmas on Mister Houton's behalf. And I've still got my skills! (The two laugh long and hard.) Come on, let's give the sap his food. (They head back into the kitchen to get their victim's order.) (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
