INT. DINING ROOM – DAY

[A large family shout at each other at a dining room table. Furious, MARK stands up. He’s a burly man in his early thirties who emits masculinity.]

Mark: Everybody shut up! I’ve got something to say!

[Mark’s voice is powerful and brings the table to silence.]

Mark: I...I really don’t know how to go about this, so I’ll just come out...(laughs lightly, appearing uncomfortable) I mean what I’m trying to get at...

Dad: What is it son? What’s this all about?

[Mark gathers himself.]

Mark: Okay...here goes nothing. I’m...I am not gay!

Dad: I’m sorry. (chuckles) What was that?

Mom: Yeah, repeat that again, dear. I didn’t quite...hear you.

[Mom and Dad look at each other like "who’s this guy?"]

Mark: (slowly) I’m not gay.

Dad: (becoming more serious) This better be some kind of prank, son!

Mark: It’s not, dad! I’ve tried to tell you so many times, but you’re in denial!

Dad: I’m in denial? I think you’re the one who’s in denial! I mean, what about the cross-dressing you used to do?

[The family mumbles and nods in agreement.]

Mark: Cross-dressing? You’re the ones who have given me a dress every Christmas since I was five! I never liked dressing like a woman...and I still don’t!

Grandma: But what about your love of figure skating, dear?

[The family mumbles and nods in agreement.]

Mark: It’s the only thing I know how to do! Mom and dad never let me play football and basketball...and because of that, I’m a frickin’ ice fairy!

[Cut to photo of Mark as a child frowning on the ice dressed in a ridiculous flower costume. Cut to table. Mark’s older brother, Steve, stands up. He looks supremely confident.]

Steve: Okay, Mr. "I’m not gay"...so how do you explain the high-pitched voice you used to have...huh?

[The family mumbles and nods in agreement.]

Mark: Well, that’s a common trait...when you’re a seven year old!

[It dawns on Steve and the rest of the family as he sits down. Grandpa stands up.]

Grandpa: Now wait just a gosh darn minute! I do recall hearing about this boy sackin’ up with another boy a while ago...am I right?

[The family mumbles and nods in agreement.]

Dad: I can answer that. I...I once hired a male prostitute to sneak into Mark’s bed and sleep with him.

Mom: (to dad) But...how could you, dear???

Dad: Hey, I just wanted a gay son like everyone else. We’re like the only family who doesn’t have one at Christmas dinner. It’s embarrassing. And you can’t tell me he didn’t like it!

Mark: I didn’t like it! Jesus, you’re all impossible! I mean, I thought if I brought Heather, my girlfriend...you’d all get real about this!

[Heather sits right next to Mark. She grabs his hand in consolation.]

Dad: Well...we all thought you meant she was just a girl that was your friend, you know...not your...girlfriend.

[The family mumbles and nods in agreement.]

Mark: That’s why I brought the video!

[The dad stares at the dining room table. We fade as the present merges with the past. We are now watching a video where Mark is "nailing" Heather on the same dining room table. Mark yells at the camera in the heat of passion.]

Mark: (nearly out of breath) It’s me, Mark...you’re (air quotes) "gay" son! I’m having sex with my girl-friend Heather right here on your dining room table! Mmmm...I love havin’ sex with Heather! She’s a woman, by the way. I could show you...(motioning to her genitalia) but grandma’s probably gonna see this...

[Zoom in on the dining room table and we pull back now in the present. It’s starting to sink in with the family.]

Dad: I think you maybe...may probably...might have a point, son.

[A little boy at the end of the table holds up his hand.]

Little Boy: He could be bisexual...

Dad: Aha, yeah!

[The family looks relieved and nearly cheers in agreement]

Mark: That’s it, I’ve had enough! Come on, Heather...let’s get out of here!

[Mark and Heather storm out. Everyone’s speechless, and there is a long pause.]

Dad: So, uh, what do you wanna do?

Mom: We could argue some more? That’s pretty normal..

Dad: What’s the point of arguing at a holiday dinner when nobody’s gay?

[Everyone nods in agreement.]

Grandpa: Let’s face it...the holidays are ruined for good. (a beat) I might as well just take a nap.

[Everyone looks sad...some play with their food despondently.]

Little Boy: I’m bored...can I go watch the Sound of Music? (very high-pitched and effeminate) I just love that Mary Poppins!

[Mom and Dad raise an eyebrow, as we fade to black.]