[Scene is set around a Christmas tree inside a middle-class home. The parents (Parnell, Poehler) are dressed in traditional Christmas sweaters and are smiling gayly. The kids (Wood, Dratch) are dressed likewise and appear excited.]

Dad: (speaking in a very WASPY voice) Alright kids...let's gather 'round and open our gifts! Timmy...have you been a good boy this year?

Timmy: Yes, daddy!

Dad: And Wendy...have you been a good girl this year?

Wendy: Yes, daddy! I wanna open my gift!

Mom: (also in an excited, WASPY voice) Oh, honey...I bet you do!

Dad: (reaches under the tree) Here ya go, kids! (passes presents to each of his children, upon which they began tearing into them) Me and your mom looked all over to find the perfect gifts for you guys...and trust me, it wasn't easy! (both him and mom laugh)

Timmy: (finishing opening his gift) Oh daddy...it's the new Yu-Gi-Oh game for X-box! I love you daddy! (jumps up and hugs him)

Dad: Oh, I love you too son!

Wendy: (finishing opening her present and holding up the contents) Mommy...it's the new Patriotic Barbie!

Mom: Yes, it is! And she comes with a red, white, and blue bathing suit, and a miniature set of car keys...belonging to a brand new SUV!

Wendy: Yay! I can go driving!!! (gets up and begins running around the room)

Dad: Of course...that is a miniature SUV, Wendy...but anyway, I'm ready to see what you kids got for me! (Wendy sits down by her mom as he reaches under the tree and pulls out a small gift) Let's see...this says Tammy or Tingle or...something on it. I guess this is from you, Timmy...

Timmy: Yeah! Sorry, dad!

Dad: We'll talk about your handwriting later...(nudges his son playfully) now, what did my wonderful, thoughtful little boy get his daddy for Christmas...

[He begins tearing into the gift, almost like a child. He arrives at a small white box, which he opens with great excitement. He pulls out the contents with a puzzled look on his face.]

Dad: Oh...what's this?

Timmy: We made it at school, daddy...it's a manger like Jesus laid in...

Dad: (eyeing the handmade gift closely) Oh really...so, you think you're Jesus or somethin'?

Timmy: No, daddy...see it's got...

Dad: (interrupting) Oh, I know what it's got...it's got "I'm too cheap to buy dad a good gift" all over it...that's what it's got!

Mom: Now honey...remember what happened last year...

Dad: I know, I'm just sayin' if Timmy was really like Jesus, you know, he'd have the guts to get me something better than this!

Mom: (trying to divert his attention) How about you open Wendy's gift, darling?

Dad: Ok, ok...let's see if she got me what I really wanted...(grabs a present from under the tree, opens it, and pulls out the contents) oh...I wonder what this is...

Wendy: It's a manger, daddy...

Dad: Jesus H. Christ...did you two runts get me the same god forsaken thing???

Mom: Well...they are in the same class, dear...

Dad: I don't care! (holding the gift to her face) Where's the originality Wendy...huh? Yours looks just like Timmy's!

Wendy: (almost tearfully) I'm sorry daddy...I can make you something else...

Dad: I got a better idea...how 'bout I make you eat this for Christmas dinner, huh...huh? How 'bout you eat it now! (tries to force the manger into her mouth)

Mom: (grabs her husband) Listen! Just calm down, ok?

Dad: (pulling away but calming down) Sorry, honey. It's just I wanted, you know, one of those new flat-screens.

Mom: Well...did you tell them that?

Dad: Yes, I did! In fact, I even got a copy of the wish list I emailed Timmy and Wendy right here. (reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded-up sheet of paper...he begins showing it to his wife) See, it's right there...flat-screen TV...right alongside the DVD burner and the Humvee.

Mom: (looking up from the list) Well, kids...what do you have to say for yourselves?

Timmy: What's email, daddy?

Dad: (grabs Timmy by the shirt) Don't play dumb with me you little puke!

Mom: (trying to divert attention again) Hey...why don't I open my gifts? How's that sound?

Dad: (letting go of Timmy's shirt, and trying to remain positive) Sure...yeah...go ahead dear.

Mom: Alright...(reaches under the tree and pulls out a present, unwraps it, opens the box within, and pulls out what appears to be another handmade gift) oh...

Timmy: It's a...it's a Christmas tree, mom!

Mom: A Christmas tree, huh...looks like a twig with a bunch of paper glued to it. Oh...and you turn it around and there's your photo staring back at me.

Timmy: Do you like it mommy?

Mom: Oh yeah...I love it! Now each time I look at this thing and see you grinning because you think you can get away with giving me something this stupid, I'll imagine fashioning it into a weapon to stab myself with!

Wendy: (hopping around like there's ants in her pants) Mommy...open mine!

Mom: Why...so I can get another stupid stick that reeks of hot glue and kiddie ass??? God...where did we go wrong with you little mongrels!

Dad: (calming her down) Hey...it's ok, it's ok...alright? Hey kids...I got another present for ya...but it's for both of you, ok?

Timmy & Wendy: Yay!

Dad: (reaches under the Christmas tree and pulls out a wrapped gift) Here ya go...

[Both begin tearing into the gift. They come to a wooden box.]

Timmy: (opening the box and pulling out its contents) Daddy...what's this?

Dad: Well, I tell ya what that is son...that's a .44 Magnum. (the kid accidentally points it towards him) Hey...point that over there! (moves his arm so the gun is pointing near his sister) Now kids...why don't you go play with your new toy, ok, and we'll open the rest later. (Timmy grabs for his new video game) No, not that toy...this (pointing to the gun) toy, ok?

Timmy: (uneasily) Ok... (Timmy runs off with his sister)

Wendy: (as she and her brother are leaving the scene) I wanna see it! Let me hold it!

Mom: (shouting at them) Now you two kids remember to share! (a beat as the kids leave the room and everything settles down) Well...what do we do now?

Dad: Well...we just wait, I guess...

Mom: No...I mean, like...should we start over?

Dad: You know, I don't know. Hey, we'll ask Father McCauley about it after New Year's, ok?

Mom: Ok.

[They appear wistful as the screen fades to black.]