|
|
|
|
|
|
|
James Name.....Jimmy Fallon Scott Wanker.....Fred Armisen Jack Carr.....Elijah Wood Richard "Dick" Stevenson.....Finesse Mitchell John Beals.....Kenan Thompson Jane Tucker.....Rachel Dratch Employee.....Will Forte Announcer.....Chris Parnell Man.....Stephen Colbert Announcer V/O: Live from an unnamed location it’s What’s In A Name? Tonight: Race car driver Jack Carr, professional chef Ivanna Cook, with Scott Wanker and the Check Your Local Affiliates Orchestra. And now, a man who always plays the name game: James Name. (James makes a grand entrance from behind a curtain. There is only faint clapping) James: How's everyone doing tonight? I'm James Name, welcome to the program. First off, I'd like to thank the man in the front row for his enthusiastic applause. (Man tries desperately to evade the camera) James: Hey, did you folks hear what George W. Bush did today? (Silence) James: Um, Scott, don't you have something to say? Scott: (sighs) What did George W. Bush do today, James? James: I'm afraid it's so top secret that…wait for it… (He makes a hand signal to Scott) James: It can not be named. (Scott does a half-hearted rim-shot on the drums) James: Say hello to my good friend Scott Wanker ladies and gentlemen. (Scott waves nervously to the camera and James goes over to his desk) James: (sits down) Boy, I tell you, that Scott's a real…wait for it… (He makes another hand signal) James: Good sport. (Scott does another weak rim-shot) James: I bet you thought I was going to say wanker, didn't you? Scott: You've only mentioned it every night since we've been on the air. James: Ah Scott, ever the kidder. What a good program we have for you tonight, Jack Carr and Ivanna Cook will be joining us in the studio, but, first, we're going to play something I like to call Name Calling. (There is more silence) James: Scott? Scott: (whispers under his breath) I don't get paid nearly enough for this. James: What was that? Scott: Nothing. (he cues the orchestra) Name calling, phone calls and all that crazy stuff. Yeah, it's name calling. That's the name of the game, with James Name. NAME CALLING. James: Remember, these are real phone calls to real people, none of that fake stuff. (James picks up a phone and dials) Employee V/O: McDonald's, how can I help you? James: Yes, I'd like to speak to Mr. McDonald please? Employee V/O: Excuse me? James: You know, the guy who owns your restaurant? I believe his first name is Ronald. Employee V/O: Are you being serious? James: This is McDonald's hamburgers, isn't it? I hope I didn't call the wrong number by mistake. Employee V/O: Yes, this is McDonald's. James: Well, then, please put Mr. McDonald on the line. Employee V/O: I'm sorry but there's no one here by that name. James: Speaking of names, this is James Name…calling. (James hangs up the phone) James: Wasn't that funny Scott? Scott: (with mock enthusiasm) Yeah, hilarious. James: Our first guest makes his living as a race car driver, everyone please give a warm welcome to Jack Carr. (Jack walks on to the stage from behind the curtain and sits down in a chair beside the desk) Jack: Hi. James: Hey there Mr. Carr. Jack: Please, call me Jack. James: I prefer Mr. Carr. Jack: Suit yourself. James: So, what's it like driving a race car day in and day out? Jack: It's a thrill a minute, it really is. James: You must get teased a lot, what with that last name and all? Jack: A lot less than you would think. James: And that first name too. I bet your buddies don't let you anywhere near their vehicles. (James cracks up laughing) Jack: Listen, let's talk about something else o.k.? James: Sensitive about your name? Jack: No, but it's obvious you won't give up on the subject. James: Well, the program is called What's In A Name. Jack: I thought that was just some kind of catchy title, I didn't know it would be like this. James: Not a big fan I take it? Jack: I'd never even heard of the show till last week. James: You mean you'd never heard of my…wait for it… (He signals to Scott) James: Name. (Scott does another lame rim-shot) Jack: This is crazy! I'm leaving. (Jack walks off the stage and the audience cheers in sympathy) James: Yes, he was a great guest, wasn't he? One of the friendlier ones we've ever had. Isn't that right Scott? Scott: (stone-faced) Yes. James: Right now everyone is in for a real treat, we've got a special taped segment by the What's In A Name dynamic duo of Dick and Beals. Let's take a look, shall we. [Cut to Dick and Beals on the street, a handicam follows them] Dick: I'm Richard Stevenson. Beals: And I'm John Beals. Dick: Today, Beals and I are going to play a little practical joke on a certain Jane Tucker. Beals: It's going to be a good one. (The camera follows them to the door of a house and Dick rings the doorbell) Jane: (opens the door) Can I help you gentlemen? Beals: Ah yes, we're from the government. Dick: We're doing a survey. Jane: What kind of survey? Beals: Are you married Mam? Jane: For five years now. Dick: Any children? Jane: Yes, I have a three-year-old son. Beals: (innocently) I guess that makes you a…mother Tucker. (Jane slams the door in their face) Dick: (high fives Beals) Nice job my man. Back to you James. [Cut back to the studio] James: That was just great. Before we bring Ivanna out, we're going to have to take our one and only commercial break. The show's kind of lacking sponsors right now, so if anyone out there watching wants to help out just remember my…wait for it… [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
