[Scene begins with shot of dad (Meyers) at the head of his family’s dinner table. Mom (Dratch) is sitting to his right, and his children (Wood, Poehler) are sitting to the left. It appears as if everyone has just finished eating.]

Dad: I have to say it again, hon...(rubbing his belly) just excellent, excellent rhubarb tonight.

Mom: (getting up to clear away some dishes) Well...that’s my specialty, dear.

Dad: Sure is! (leaning over to garner a kiss on the cheek from his wife)

Boy: (as his plate is taken by the mother) Dad, can we be excused?

Dad: Not yet, son. I’ve been meaning to talk to you guys about something for a long time now.

Girl: What is it, dad?

Dad: Alright...you know how every year we talk about Santa...and how he flies around the world on a sled, powered by reindeer, giving toys to kids on Christmas Eve?

Boy and Girl: (simultaneously) Yeah!!

Dad: Well...that’s um...that’s simply not the truth, guys. There is no Santa Claus.

[Gasps of shock from the kids.]

Boy: But dad, how does...how do all the toys get under the tree?

Dad: Me and your mom, son. We buy them, wrap them when you go to bed, and put them under the tree before you wake up.

[Mom enters the room. She returns to where she sat during supper, and appears to know what the conversation is about..]

Girl: (noticeably upset) You mean you’ve been lying to us this whole time???

Dad: Not lying, dear...just, you know...it’s a tradition, that’s all...

Boy: What other things have you lied about, dad?

Mom: Your dad’s not lying to you dear...but...

Dad: No, wait hon...maybe we should tell them everything...just spill all the beans.

Mom: No, dear. We can’t...

Dad: Listen, kids...there are a lot of things me and your mother have been keeping from you.

Boy: Like...like what?

Dad: Well, there’s...

Mom: (interrupting) But darling?

Dad: No, hon...I should just tell them everything. (takes a deep breath) First of all, children...I should tell you that...that daddy’s hair isn’t real.

[Oooh’s from the kids, as the dad removes his toupee to reveal a balding head.]

Dad: Also, mommy’s boobies are fake.

Mom: Honey!

Dad: Sorry, dear...I just want to get this all off my chest, alright?

Mom: Well I wish you’d leave my chest out of this!

Dad: Ok, honey...if that’s the way you want it...(reaches down into his pants, and pulls out a balled-up sock) Kids...my bulge is fake too. (to the wife) There...ya happy?

Boy: But all this time I’ve been telling my friends my daddy is big like a rhino...like you said!

Dad: Well, you can go ahead and tell them I’m not. You can also tell them me and your mother’s marriage is completely fake.

Mom: Don’t tell them that!

Dad: It’s true! Me and you were never married, and you know it!

Mom: I know, but...

Dad: (interrupting) But what? You want us to keep lying to our kids, huh...huh??? Oh, and by the way...you guys aren’t our real kids...

Girl: What? But daddy...

Dad: I’m not your daddy! Your daddy died in a plane crash...and your mom, well, she’s a streetwalker.

Boy: My mother’s a what?

Dad: Your mother’s a whore. Sorry, kid.

Mom: Honey, do you have to be so blunt?

Dad: Yes, I do! If I’m not so blunt, then who will be? My parole officer? He’s coming by here soon. You kids know him as Uncle Artie.

Girl: Uncle Artie’s a police officer?

Dad: (nonchalantly) Yes, I went to jail for kiddie rape...consensual kiddie rape, that is.

Boy: (angrily) Who did you rape, dad???

Dad: One of my real kids...I can’t remember which. I just remember whoever it was wanted it.

Girl: (steamed) Real kids? Where are they?

Dad: Oh, I don’t know...I don’t care, really. It’s all in the irreversible past, right hon?

Mom: Honey! Show some respect...they’re still our kids!

Dad: Just because my brother's spunk ended up in some whore's wormhole doesn't mean I have to respect these little brats!

Mom: (in an outburst of anger) That’s it! Kids...go to your room! I need to talk to your father!

[A beat as both kids leave. As soon as they’re gone, both the mom and dad begin to laugh.]

Dad: Was that great or what?

Mom: Yes, it was! This is the greatest April Fool’s joke ever!!!

Dad: I know! Man, I sure wish it was April!

Mom: Hey, I got an idea...how ‘bout we wait ‘till April to tell them the truth?

Dad: Good one!

[Both parents continue to crack up as the screen fades to black.]