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Kaitlin.....Maya Rudolph Grace.....Rachel Dratch Rob.....Jimmy Fallon Andrew.....Kenan Thompson Jackie.....Amy Poehler Other Guy.....Jeff Richards (Open to Kaitlin, Grace, Rob and Andrew standing around in a living room setting at a social gathering) Kaitlin: Have you seen Jackie lately? Grace: She totally got a boob job. Rob: You don't know that for sure. Andrew: I think she looks good. Grace: Come on, you've got to know those are fake. Rob: No I don't. Grace: Me neither. Jackie: (enters with largely enhanced breasts) Hey guys, what's up? Rob & Andrew: (As they stare) Nothing. Jackie: Uh -- okay -- (Leaves) Grace: They're fake! Andrew: We going to have to prove it. Rob: I heard implants make breasts a lot firmer than normal breasts. Kaitlin: You can't test that. Rob: Sure I can, but it'll be risky. However, for the sake of knowledge, it's a risk I'm willing to take. Jackie: (re-entering) The variety of this cheese platter is fantastic! Rob: Yeah -- (Turning and reaching to grab her breast. Jackie immediately smacks him and he falls to the floor, she exits. Rob gets up from the floor covering his cheek.) She hit me before I got a good squeeze. Andrew: Now, we'll never know! Kaitlin: You need to be more discrete. There's a difference between being investigative and offensive. Andrew: And how are we going to do that? Kaitlin: As everyone knows, based on non-scientific studies, the bust size of a woman is directly proportional to her ability to find things. Grace: So if we get her to find something and she can't that means her cleavage is silicone valley! Rob: That'll never work. Women can't locate things using their breasts. Kaitlin: Yes we can. Andrew: Prove it, where are my car keys. (Other guy walks in) Grace: (Makes beeping noises swaying and bouncing in a robotic way as her breasts hone in on the location.) Your keys are on the kitchen counter right under the phone in the key dish underneath the phone bill where you always leave them. Stop taking your wife's. Other Guy: That's awesome! Where is my underwear? Kaitlin: (Makes similar sounds and movements as her breasts hone in on the location, the process takes longer because her breasts are smaller than Grace's.) Your underwear is in the garage next to the toolbox by the tape measure where you leave them every Tuesday. Stop taking your wife's. Rob: Wow! Now we just have to test it on Jackie. Jackie: (Entering) I would never have expected a beer to explode like that! Crazy. Kaitlin: Do you know where I put my purse? Jackie: I didn't think you brought one. Kaitlin: Damn, it was a trick question. Grace: Can you help me find that letter my mom sent me? Jackie: I think I saw it -- (Her breasts perk up and she begins the same noises and movements but slightly less fluid until they morph into malfunction sirens and spastic circular convulsions.) What's going on? Andrew: Your dirty pillows are dirty lies! Jackie: What? Kaitlin: Jackie, we know. Jackie: Know what? (Her boobs give a final defeating sound as she stops convulsing and making noise.) Kaitlin: You can't fool us, non-scientific studies have proven that women with naturally small breasts can't find anything, and you can't find anything. Rob: Your funsies are falsies! (Pointing at her breasts, she smacks him and he falls to the ground.) Jackie: My boobs are real! (All three give her a pointed look.) Jackie: I guess there's no disputing non-scientific studies. (They all eat off the fantastically assorted cheese platter. Super: Paid for by the makers of non-scientific studies.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
