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Draeger Martinez, J.P. Ragan & Mark Jennings Reese II
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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Movie Voice Guy.....Fred Armisen Ben Affleck...Elijah Wood .....Seth Meyers Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! Trouble arose this week for Mathahir Mohammad, the former Malaysian Prime Minister who stated that Jews control the world, when a clerical error assigned him to spend his golden years at the Irving Silverberg Retirement Center in Boca. Murray Kubilski, head of the center's activities committee is currently preparing for Mohammad's welcome party, which will be quickly followed by his funeral. Researchers found a gene responsible for drunkenness in worms after plying thousands of the tiny creatures with booze, a discovery that could boost the fight against alcoholism, yet does nothing to keep inebriated worms from getting behind the wheel of moving vehicles. Jimmy Fallon: In an attempt to clear up all ambiguity, North Pole officials recently announced that one cannot earn a spot on Santa's "good" list, even if they did happen to have Subway for lunch. A UN sponsored summit has called for the export of internet technologies to poorer countries in Africa so that they may benefit from the wealth of information available on the internet. Such a move could help eliminate poverty, stabilize the continent's political situation, and open the door for more of that sweet African porn. A Texas company is currently selling genetically engineered fluorescent fish as pets under the name GloFish. Look, I already have a lava lamp and it’s not like I need to feed it. Tina Fey: In an unprecedented move, Disney has fired all 238 employees of their animation studio in Orlando. Oddly enough, the offices are still open for viewing on their studio tours. Tour guides have been instructed to answer questions about the absence of animators by saying: “They’re on break” rather than the truth: “They were forced to take crappy jobs as tour guides who have to deal with bitchy tourists asking too many damn questions!” British Film Producer Michael Linley has been arrested after trying to smuggle over 200 frogs, lizards, and snakes out of the country in his luggage. He was caught when his briefcase hopped through the X-Ray machine. Jimmy Fallon: Hollywood movie studios traditionally load the holiday movie season with costume dramas and other high-minded Oscar bait. But sometimes there's also room for some rip-roaring action flicks too, like the John Woo thriller Paycheck. Here to speak about Paycheck is its star, Ben Affleck. [Affleck approaches the Update desk with hesitation on his face and a mid-sized duffel bag in one hand. He looks like he's somewhat dazed.] Tina Fey: Ben, are you alright? Ben Affleck: I, I'm not exactly sure, Tina. Your name's Tina, right? Tina Fey: Yeah, Tina. What's wrong Ben? Jimmy Fallon: And why do you have that duffel bag? Ben Affleck: I don't have good answers either way. I mean, I know who I am: Ben Affleck, Oscar-winning co-writer of Good Will Hunting and rising star of films like Armageddon, Forces of Nature and Boiler Room. Tina Fey: Right, plus a few movies made THIS decade: Bounce, Changing Lanes? Pearl Harbor ring a bell? [Ben Affleck looks at Tina blankly, then shakes his head no.] Jimmy Fallon: Let me get this straight, you starred in one of the biggest bombs in movie history, but you don't remember anything about it? Ben Affleck: [defensively] Hey now, lay off of Reindeer Games! Sure it didn't win any awards, but it opened to decent dead-of-winter numbers, more than $8 million its first weekend. Jimmy Fallon: Yeah that's right. So how about seeing what's in the duffel bag? Ben Affleck: You're right, maybe I'll find some clues about the time I can't remember. [He opens the duffel and starts sorting through its contents.] Ben Affleck: Lot of stuff in here, I think about 19 items in all. Let's see... some kind of leather mask [pulls out the red hood from Daredevil]... a plush toy of an anaconda, wearing lipstick for some reason... a jewelry store receipt?! "Diamond engagement ring, imperial cut, sold for" -- holy crap, that's a lotta zeros! [Jimmy reaches into the duffel and pulls out a hot-pink latex mold of a woman's butt. He sets it on the Update desk with an exaggerated THUD.] Jimmy Fallon: And how about this one, big guy? Ben Affleck: I haven't the foggiest idea. [reads the gift tag attached to it.] "Something to remember me by, love, J. -- P.S., caress my lower left check for a surprise." Great, another surprise. Jimmy Fallon: Hang on, I think I see it. [He flips a switch, and the mold starts softly vibrating.] Tina Fey: Jimmy, how did you know -- Jimmy Fallon: Um, there was this ad on the Travel Channel. Ben Affleck: Wait you guys, there's another clue [holds up a brass-bracketed movie script.] "The Sum of All Fears" -- hey, I read this one, it's good. Based on a Tom Clancy novel. I remember my agent got me an audition for Jack Ryan... Tina Fey: News flash, Ben: You got the part, it hit the screens over a year ago, and the DVD has some nifty extras. Ben Affleck: But wait, there's a photo inserted into the script... it's an exotic brunette woman, kinda Spanish-looking... hey, is that Salma Hayek? [Jimmy pulls out a handheld "stun gun" and zaps Affleck with it. Bzzzzzzzzzt!] Tina Fey: Jimmy, what the hell did -- Jimmy Fallon: Don't worry Tina, there's no permanent damage. [motions for some burly NBC pages.] This is how Ben wanted it, to spare him the unending pain of remembering. [to pages:] Take him away boys, and lose that pesky duffel bag. Tina Fey: Unconscious Ben Affleck, everybody. Jimmy Fallon: Singer Bobby Brown was charged with battery, this week. Asked to comment on his charge, Bobby Brown said, “Crack makes you do some crazy stuff sometimes!” Tina Fey: Ashton Kutcher is set to star in an upcoming Disney film. The film will be a “semi autobiographical” film, much like Eminem in “8 Mile”. The working title for the Kutcher vehicle will be “Lucky Motherfucker”. It was reported this week that Nicole Kidman invited Tom Cruise and his girlfriend, Penelope Cruz to stay with her, this Christmas. For the punch line, here is movie voice guy! (Enter Movie Voice Guy) Movie Voice Guy: Coming to a theatre near you, this Christmas…Nicole Kidman invited Cruise and Cruz to stay with her for the holiday. Was it just a friendly gesture or was it a deadly trap! This Christmas, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz star in “Interview With A Vampire II: Still Sucking”. This film is not yet rated! (Exit Movie Voice Guy) Tina Fey: Movie Voice Guy, everyone! Keiko, the killer whale made famous by the "Free Willy" movies, died in Norway Friday afternoon after a sudden onset of pneumonia. In spite of the bacteria, Keiko's caretakers said he was delicious. Using the nation's toughest anti-spam law for the first time, Virginia prosecutors have gained felony indictments against two men accused of sending thousands of unsolicited e-mail pitches throughout the internet. The two men may face up to five years in prison, as well as thousands of unsolicited anal rapings. 
Jimmy Fallon: Here we see President Bush laughing his ass off at the White House's Christmas Tree lighting cermony. The President is laughing because instead of pressing the tree lighting button, he pressed the button that sent a 'nuke warhead' to Kim Jong Il's house. Tina Fey: A reported 17.1 million viewers tuned into to see Trista Rehn, star of "The Bachelorette" marry Ryan Sutter on ABC earlier this week. If you thought the wedding was great, just wait until you see their bitter divorce scheduled for sometime during May sweeps. And now with a commentary on his favorite time of year, our own Seth Meyers! Seth Meyers: Thanks Tina, Jimmy. This time of year really is my favorite, it gives people a chance to reflect on their relationships and remember what and who's important to them. That's right, Christmas time means more to me than crowded shopping malls and bearded fat guys. Christmas time is also the time for my birthday. And that's peachy. What a great time to have a birthday, when people are so caring and generous, right? WRONG! Picture this, the night before Christmas, the presents are set under the fake tree. Mom is singing Barry White songs after getting a little heavy with the eggnog, Dad sets up the video camera to record us opening presents in the morning, we set out Oreos and both 1% and fat free milk out for Santa because Mom and Dad can't decide on the kind of milk he likes and then...you realize: Seth's birthday is three days after Christmas and you blew all your money on an overpriced sweater and some Italian nuts for Grandma! So you scramble around trying to think of an idea because you've only got two dollars and forty-two cents in your account and you don't get paid until next week and you're about to FRICKIN' LOSE YOUR MIND! When it hits you...in all the brilliance that ideas like this can muster: a combo gift. (Sarcastic) Yeah, that's a great idea, like I'm not going to notice what's really going on when I look at the tag and it says "Merry-slash-Happy (brief pause) Christmas-slash-Birthday." I don't combine your birthday with some other holiday, so why should you combine mine? It all comes down to you were either too cheap to buy two gifts or you forgot to buy two gifts! And if by some miracle you honestly couldn't afford it, that'd be cool. But keep in mind, I'd go in debt for you. And then there are those times you're caught in the awkward situation of looking your "friend" in the face and knowing they're trying to pull one over one you. (Turns to look Jimmy in the face) Hey, Jimmy, I really liked that CD you got me last Christmas. Jimmy Fallon: Good, I'm glad. Seth Meyers: And it was even better the second time you gave it to me when you took it out of my hands, rewrapped it and gave it back to me, right in front of me. Jimmy Fallon: Well you know...Christina Aguilera, the gift that keeps on giving. Seth Meyers: Dude, Aguilera whore jokes are over. I can't believe you forgot my birthday! Jimmy Fallon: I said I was sorry. Seth Meyers: People, consolidation isn't the only option here. Less isn't always more, it's not always what you do with it that counts. Sometimes size matters and in the end, how many is a big deal. But, if you have go the combo route put some effort into it. Put the gift in a really large box, or even in multiple boxes from small to large. (Grabbing Tina and shaking her by the shoulders) Tina, make me think you care! Tina Fey: Seth Meyers everybody! His birthday is December 28th! Don't forget. Seth Meyers: That's for you too Mom and Dad! (exits) Tina Fey: Seth Meyers, everyone! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
